This Week’s Jokes: Week of 12/1/14

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People magazine accidentally published a pre-written obituary for Kirk Douglas. If an obituary is prematurely published to a website…and everybody reads it…is the person already dead?

People magazine accidentally published a pre-written obituary for Kirk Douglas. But at least now he’ll get to fact-check it.

Despite all the hype, retailers reported that Black Friday sales actually dropped this year. “I guess we’ll just have to open even earlier in 2015,” said a spokesman.

Starting this year, you’ll be able to order Girl Scout cookies online. And Girl Scouts will be able to earn merit badges through the Kim Kardashian iPhone game.

Starting this year, you’ll be able to order Girl Scout cookies online. They’ll be delivered by an Amazon drone dressed in a Girl Scout uniform.

A GOP Congressional staffer resigned after getting into trouble for making overly harsh comments about the Obama daughters on her personal Facebook page. However, she still managed to get in a few shots about Bo and this year’s White House Christmas tree before she left.

Kristin Cavallari tweeted that she didn’t go to the much-publicized Laguna Beach 10-year high school reunion because she was a year behind everyone in that class. And if you think this is actual news, you’re 10 years behind everyone with good taste.

Rolling Stone announced that U2’s “Songs of Innocence” tops its list of top albums for 2014. Wait, sorry. Apple just put it there.

Snooki had a Great Gatsby-themed wedding, but it was just so she could have one of her old Jersey Shore rivals killed in a car crash.

Snooki had a Great Gatsby-themed wedding, which seems like sort of an odd choice until you realize that America’s tiring of the debauchery and depravity in the later seasons of Jersey Shore mirrors the late-’20s disillusionment with the Jazz Age as a whole. Or, maybe she just thought it looked cool.

President Obama wants $75 million in federal funding for police body cameras. His main strategy to sell it to the American public is “think about how cool the videos will be when they’re doing like cool spin moves in cop cars and stuff.”

Microsoft is getting rid of clip art. Yet another reason to hate emojis.

Microsoft is getting rid of clip art. Thansfully, thousands of clip arts will be donated to museums around the world for posterity.

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/17/14

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Solange Knowles got married over the weekend. AND BEYONCE WAS THERE!!!

A Princess Cruise ship docked with 170 people who’d caught the enterovirus, which causes vomiting and diarrhea. A  cruise spokesperson said the crew would work with the CDC to disinfect the boat, then set sail with new passengers. “Everything’s fine,” said the spokesperson. “Shit-shape.”

Charles Manson is engaged to a 26-year-old. There are a lot of things wrong with that, but the worst is that it’s not me. 😥

Nickelback wrote a protest anthem inspired by events in Ferguson. Guys we have to do something about the injustices there, we can’t let Nickelback get inspired by things.

A study found that looking down at your cell phone is like having a 60-pound weight on your neck. If you don’t believe me go look it up on your phone.

A study found that looking down at your cell phone is like having a 60-pound weight on your neck. So GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT BEING ON MY PHONE AT DINNER, I’VE ALREADY GOT 60 POUNDS ON THERE.

Former NASA astronaut Marsha Nivins described the experience of going into space, saying ““Without gravity, bodily fluids move toward your head. It’s a great face-lift.” See? Science is for girls, too!

Mattel has pulled a Barbie book critics said was sexist because it featured Barbie learning about computers, but not being able to finish her program design without the help of two boys. But to be fair, those boys probably think of Barbie whenever they need help to finish.

Mattel has pulled a Barbie book critics said was sexist because it featured Barbie learning about computers, but not being able to finish her program design without the help of two boys. It’s not because she’s dumb, though; it’s because with her proportions, Barbie lacks the arm strength to even pick up a laptop.

A Polish playground has banned Winnie the Pooh because he doesn’t wear pants, which is a little harsh. It’s hard enough for me as an adult human woman to find pants that fit–what hope does a cartoon bear have?

Jennifer Aniston is losing weight for a new movie called Cake. Hopefully it’s just 90 minutes of Jennifer Aniston eating cake until she gains the weight back.

Jennifer Aniston is losing weight for a new movie called Cake, in her most dramatic transformation for a role since getting “The Rachel.”

Jennifer Aniston is losing weight for a new movie called Cake. Hollywood insiders predict millions of women will go into salons demanding “The Cake” and be redirected to a bakery.

Kim Kardashian told an Australian radio station that she would be fine with daughter North West posing nude 20 years from now. So when she’s 21? You’ll make her wait 3 whole years after she turns 18? Geez what a prude.

 

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/10/14

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Al Roker is attempting to break the Guinness World Record for the longest continuous weather report. “The only way we’ll stop him is if there are health concerns,” said NBC. “Like that he’ll bore our viewers to death.”

President Obama said he thinks the Internet should be reclassified as a public utility, meaning it would be seen as a necessity like electricity. This of course angered a lot of people, because the Internet is WAY more important than electricity.

The Washington Post reported that the US Postal Service was hacked, and it looks like the Chinese government was behind it. That seems oddly unambitious for China.

The Washington Post reported that the US Postal Service was hacked, and it looks like the Chinese government was behind it. Oh no! They know all our MAIL secrets now!

PAPER magazine tweeted out its latest cover featuring Kim Kardashian’s naked behind, along with the message: “BTW, this is our new cover.” Think they meant BBW.

PAPER magazine has a photo of an oiled up, half-naked Kim Kardashian showing off her gigantic butt on its cover. Well, a gigantic butt.

PAPER magazine has a photo of an oiled up, half-naked Kim Kardashian showing off her gigantic butt on its cover. The photo also features an unpictured gigantic “but…” since it’s totally photoshopped.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo star June “Mama June” Shannon told Dr. Phil photos of her with convicted child molester Mark McDaniel are fake. “Right. And those pictures of my ass are real,” said Kim Kardashian.

A historian uncovered a letter written to Martin Luther King, Jr.–allegedly by the FBI–that threatened to release an audiotape of King engaging in an affair. Oh man, can you imagine if they had released it? A sex tape would have been great for his career. [Editor’s note: Don’t worry, this is the last Kim Kardashian/Kim Kardashian-ish joke. Sorry.]

Kobe Bryant made history Tuesday, setting the NBA record for missed field goals. “It’s amazing. Not a lot of the guys play football, and even fewer are this bad at it,” said an NBA official.

Kobe Bryant made history Tuesday, setting the NBA record for missed field goals with 13,421 career missed shots. “Keep asking me about it and we’ll see how good at shooting I am,” said Bryant.

The Health and Human Services Advisory Committee on Blood & Tissue Safety & Availability voted to relax the current federal policies on gay men donating blood. Not relaxing on the length of that name, though.

According to the Associated Press, Al Qaeda and ISIS are joining forces. They’re like the Cream of terrorist groups.

According to the Associated Press, Al Qaeda and ISIS are joining forces. People are panicking. No, sorry, People magazine is panicking, trying to figure out what their celebrity couple name should be.

James Gandolfini was inducted into the “New Jersey Hall of Fame” this week, along with gum chewing, urban sprawl, an inferiority complex and a guy who yelled “Yo fuck dem Yankees” at a bar in Manhattan one time.

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/3/14

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A restaurant hostess in Atlanta was fired for using a racial slur in front of customers. But she was just trying to give them an authentic southern experience.

Taylor Swift’s 1989 is well on its way to setting the record for the biggest sales week for a female artist, overtaking Britney Spears’ 2000 album Oops!…I Did It Again. Leave Britney alone!

A woman used crowdfunding to pay for an Uber that cost her over $350 because of Halloween surge pricing. I would need to crowdsource just to pay for a regular Uber ride.

A company that operates multiple dating websites has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay more than $600,000 for charging people to look at fake dating profiles for nonexistent people. “What? We promised we’d help them find their fantasy date,” said the company.

The co-founder of the Weather Channel said yesterday that climate change is “not happening.” Dude, it’s more weather! That’s good for you!

Clay Aiken lost the election for North Carolina’s second congressional district. But once again, he won our nation’s and Paula Abdul’s hearts.

Authorities in Florida are searching for an armed quadruple amputee who’s reportedly been on the run since Tuesday, hoping to question him about his involvement in a double murder. Unfortunately, they’ll never find him, because “armed amputee” is an oxymoron.

A man faces multiple charges after attempting to eat his DWI breathalyzer test results. He was found out when they gave him a breathalyzer test that can read whether or not you’ve ingested a breathalyzer test.

Michael Jordan called Barack Obama a “a shitty golfer.” Oooooh, rich and powerful people insults!

John Gosselin told E! News he’d happily go back on TV with his ex-wife, for the kids. “The kids” is what he calls his massive credit card bills.

So-called “Human Barbie” Valeria Lukyanova claims she was attacked by strangers outside her apartment in Odessa, Ukraine. Apparently they picked up her and the guy that wants to be the “Human Ken” and mashed their faces against each other for a few minutes, then tossed them into a corner with their other toys.

Someone paid $300,000 to eat a lasagna dinner at Bruce Springsteen’s house. Springsteen apparently really needs the money, or really needs to get rid of some leftovers.

Someone paid $300,000 to eat a lasagna dinner at Bruce Springsteen’s house. Crazy that Bruce Springsteen and Garfield have been the same person all this time.

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/27/14

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In a GQ interview, Nicki Minaj talked about working at Red Lobster. Interesting to hear that her focus was on biscuits prior to buns.

NJ mayor Chris Christie responded to questions about potentially getting sued by the nurse he forced into Ebola quarantine with, “Whatever, get in line. I’ve been sued lots of times before.” He also added, “No, seriously, it’s an actual line. For real. People don’t like me.”

NJ mayor Chris Christie says the nurse he forced into Ebola quarantine shouldn’t complain because “she had access to the internet and takeout food.” To be fair, that does sound like my ideal Saturday night.

A California judge ruled to dismiss former dictator Manuel Noriega’s lawsuit against a game publisher for including his likeness in Call of Duty: Black Ops II. The formal ruling stated, “because that’s friggin’ badass.”

An unnamed senior Obama administrative official reportedly called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu “chickenshit.” It sounds bad, until you realize that’s probably the nicest insulting thing anyone’s ever called a Jew.

McDonalds’ new advertising slogan is “Lovin’ Beats Hatin’.” It’s basically the marketing equivalent of a shoulder shrug.

Just weeks after Blake Lively announced her pregnancy, Leighton Meester has announced hers. XOXO Gossip Girl.

The New York Times reported that the CIA and FBI used at least 1,000 Nazi spies during the Cold War, covering up their past and allowing them to live in the U.S. How’d they do it? Well, if anyone asked, they’d just be like, “Nazis? Not zese!”

This week the Pope acknowledged that evolution and the Big Bang theory are real, and God isn’t “a magician with a magic wand.” Does he have to check with anyone before he says this stuff?

This week the Pope acknowledged that evolution and the Big Bang theory are real, and God isn’t “a magician with a magic wand,” unintentionally making it waaaaaay less cool to believe in God now.

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/20/14

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Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to 5 years in prison, and Oscar de la Renta died. Neither Oscar got what he deserved.

Relaxed pot laws are now in effect in Philadelphia, PA. So relaxed that news reports are finally referring to it as “pot” instead of “marijuana.”

The Texas hospital that treated Thomas Eric Duncan – the Liberian man who died of Ebola earlier this month — ran a full-page ad in local newspapers to apologize for sending him home when he first sought treatment. It was black and white and red all over.

Monica Lewinsky says she was “Patient Zero” for cyberbullying. So…then she spread it around to other people? What a jerk.

A missionary was released from a North Korea prison after six months of detention for leaving a bible in a nightclub. So you’re not a jerk AT ALL for slamming the door in those Jehova’s Witnesses’ faces.

Iggy Azalea is the new face of Forever 21. This lady really doesn’t understand what Fancy is at all.

A teenager in Shaoxing City is trying to sell scarves out of his Porsche Cayman, saying he felt bad asking his parents for gas money after they bought him the car. “If we’d known you’d actually get a job, we wouldn’t have bought you anything,” said his parents.

A doctor who lives in New York City has been diagnosed with Ebola. Looks like Ebola is trying to re-brand as a disease for rich people.

The New York Ebola victim rode subways, walked the High Line, went bowling at The Gutter in Brooklyn and also went to Brooklyn Bowl just a few days before showing symptoms. Maybe we should be more worried about whatever he has that made him go to TWO bowling alleys in one night.

The Gutter bowling alley said in a statement Friday that it was working with the city health department to “have the bar cleaned and sanitized” as a precautionary measure which makes you think they’ll probably have to change their name.

An Iraqi woman was hanged this week for murdering her alleged rapist, despite public outcry. Because it’s an eye for an eye, unless you’re a woman; then it’s an eye for an eye for an eye.

A Macedonian man sliced off his own penis and and threw it away after his girlfriend broke up with him. But you know what they say: Don’t cut off your dick to spite your ex.

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/13/14

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A Scottish woman found a three-inch leech living inside her nose. An actual leech in her nose; not a euphemism for a cocaine habit.

A couple in Georgia was arrested and charged with cruelty to children in the first degree after allegedly giving their two-year-old son a mixed drink made of Coke and 40 proof Paul Masson Brandy. “Cruelty?” said the parents. “If we were trying to be cruel, we would have given him Jack Daniels.”

New York City’s John F. Kennedy International Airport is the first in the U.S. to start screening passengers for Ebola symptoms. When asked why start in NYC, officials said, “New York, New York! If you can get it here, you can get it anywhere!”

Catholic Church bishops declared that gay partnerships have value and that LGBT people have plenty of gifts to offer the church. They mean money, right?

Iggy Azalea told a photographer, “I hope you have Ebola.” Way harsh; Ebola is, like, the least fancy of all the diseases.

Iggy Azalea told a photographer, “I hope you have Ebola.” He came into contact with Iggy Azalea? I think I hope he has Ebola, too.

A nurse working in an Italian hospital has been arrested as part of an investigation into the deaths of 38 patients who, cops said, she may have injected with potassium chloride because they or their family members were “annoying.” Isn’t it refreshing to see that we’re blaming an Italian for a death that isn’t mob-related, though? Pretty progressive if you ask me.

Beyoncé has bangs again. Public consensus is that they’re not really working for her. Stop trying to bang Beyoncé, Beyoncé.

Over the last year, over 2,200 luxury customers have complained that their coveted Hermès handbags smell like skunks. Ugh. Rich people. Always thinking that their shit and their bags won’t stink.

John Grisham said he thinks that some people view child porn “accidentally.” Sounds like he might need one of those people he’s always writing books about.

The Pentagon has formally named the fight against ISIS “Operation Inherent Resolve.”  What a shame that it’s come to this: a name that is way too long to be a good hashtag.

To make people feel better about Ebola, Obama recently “hugged and kissed” nurses who had treated Ebola patients in the U.S. Not sure if that means Obama isn’t afraid of Ebola or he isn’t afraid of cooties.

A Jennifer Lopez fan is trying to get a street named after her in the Bronx. She’s still Jenny from the block, but she also IS the block now.

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 5/26/14

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Maya Angelou passed away on Wednesday. To honor her life, everyone spent the day pretending poetry isn’t stupid.

Scout Willis walked around NYC topless to protest Instagram’s nudity policy. End of joke.

Scout Willis walked around NYC topless to protest Instagram’s nudity policy, and to remind us she is the entitled child of two celebrities.

Scout Willis walked around NYC topless to protest Instagram’s nudity policy. When she finally put a shirt on, men all over the city began participating in the hash tag #BringBackOurGirls.

LeVar Burton launched a Kickstarter to bring back Reading Rainbow, and LeVar Burton’s relevancy.

John Kerry told a CBS morning show Edward Snowden should “man up” and come back to the U.S. Snowden responded, “Come at me, bro.”

Madonna got a doctor’s note to get out of jury duty. She’s so edgy!!!

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 5/19/14

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The New York Post has reported that the new 9/11 Memorial Museum includes a gift shop. Items available for purchase include sets of Twin Towers candles (the South Tower melts faster) and NYC snow globes filled with ashes.

Billy Corgan posed on the cover of PAWS Chicago with his two cats. You’d think cats would be a poor choice of pet for a rage-filled rat in a cage.

Billy Corgan posed on the cover of PAWS Chicago with his two cats. ’90s alt rock fans were disappointed to learn that this was the Siamese Dream the Smashing Pumpkins were talking about.

A University of Wisconsin freshman ousted as a “casting couch” porn actress committed suicide with a shotgun. “That’s not what I meant when I asked her to blow her brains out,” said the video’s producer.

A massive sinkhole opened up in a Manhattan street. Unfortunately, it didn’t manage to swallow up any of the massive assholes that live in Manhattan.

A massive sinkhole opened up in a Manhattan street. The rent to live in the sinkhole is $3,300 per month.

Charlie Sheen is upset with Rihanna for declining to meet his fiancée at a restaurant. But to be fair to Rihanna, she’d just have to meet another one in a few months.

A Red Robin employee worked for several months with a contagious case of Hepatitis A, exposing as many as 5,000 people to the infection. “You’re eating at Red Robin,” said the employee. “You should understand the risks.”

A Red Robin employee worked for several months with a contagious case of Hepatitis A, exposing as many as 5,000 people to the infection. The most disgusting part of this story is that 5,000 people are willing to eat at Red Robin.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian got married this weekend. Ray J filmed the wedding video and will be selling copies for $19.99.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian got married this weekend. During the reception, Kanye took the microphone to tell Kim’s two prior husbands, “Yo Imma let you finish, but Kimye had the best wedding of all time.”

A dating coach is spamming videos posted by mass murderer Elliot Rogers with messages that the shootings could have been avoided had Rogers used his services. Because the first thing any dating coach will teach you is, “Women don’t like it when you shoot them.”

Miley Cyrus has obtained an emergency restraining order against a fan who has stated that he won’t stop stalking her until she either “accepts him or dies.”  Which is interesting, because “accept me or die” seems to have been the promotional strategy Miley has been using over the last year.

Despite earlier declaring that their takeover of power was definitely not a coup, later this week Thailand’s military officially declared a coup against the government. In case you’re wondering, the official declaration was, “Oh, that. Yeah, we were lying.”