This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/5/16

This Week's Jokes

Bill Cosby’s lawyers are now claiming racial bias as a defense strategy. Do they know anything about our justice system? If race were a factor, he would’ve already been convicted.

Durex made an eggplant-flavored condom. Fine. Still doesn’t explain why your dick is covered in parmesan cheese.

The assistant principal of a Texas high school blamed girls’ outfits for the poor performance of male students. But maybe he just meant that when there’s too little left to their imaginations, their creativity stagnates.

Beyoncé postponed her New Jersey show for vocal rest. Most pop stars just use their shows for that.

The Black Eyed Peas released a remake of “Where Is The Love?” It was time, because people have been asking “Who are the Black Eyed Peas?”

The Black Eyed Peas released a remake of “Where Is The Love?” And this time it’s going to fix everything!

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up. The relationship lasted almost as long as it took their publicists to work out their contracts.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up. It must be hard dating a celebrity. You have to pick up your stuff from their multiple houses.

Fox News apologized to former anchor Gretchen Carlson and gave her $20 million. Roger Ailes got a $40 million severance package. So the lesson here is: always do the wrong thing.

Fox News apologized to former anchor Gretchen Carlson and gave her $20 million. Roger Ailes got a $40 million severance package. Apparently the lawsuit settlement gap is even bigger than the wage gap.

The Stanford rapist registered as a sex offender in Ohio, his home state. I don’t know how he got permission to do it there instead of California, but knowing him I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t.

The Stanford rapist registered as a sex offender in Ohio, his home state. He’ll have to re-register every 90 days. Wow, that’ll be here before he knows it. Just the like the end of his prison sentence.

The Stanford rapist registered as a sex offender in Ohio, his home state. He’ll have to re-register every 90 days. Or, as he’ll remember it, once every “only time I had to spend in jail.”

The Team USA hockey coach said he’d ban any players who sit during the National Anthem. And you thought hockey couldn’t get any whiter.

The Team USA hockey coach said he’d ban any players who sit during the National Anthem. To paraphrase Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the points about free speech and police brutality you don’t understand.

Apple’s new iPhone will have wireless ear buds and whoops I’ve already lost them.

Apple’s new iPhone will have wireless ear buds. For when you want to listen to the latest music, but look like you’re too old to enjoy it anymore.

Kanye’s working on an album with Drake, and he just signed Tyga to his label. Someone should tell him you don’t HAVE to like your friends’ lame boyfriends.

A scientist named a parasite after President Obama. Shit. The White House has been bugged.

An investigation found that Wells Fargo has been scamming customers for years. But that’s what everyone expects from banks now anyway, so…still a bank you can trust.

Hillary Clinton left the 9/11 memorial ceremony because she was “overheated.” Oh, they expect us to believe the memory of jet fuel can melt Presidential candidates?

Jill Stein wants a new investigation into the 9/11 attacks. Whoops sorry that should read “attention.”

 

 

 

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/29/16

This Week's Jokes

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry will be on Dancing With The Stars. He’ll be the show’s first celebrity racist.

Huma Abedin is separating from husband Anthony Weiner. Is that a dick in his pocket or is he just trying to destroy her career?

Huma Abedin is separating from husband Anthony Weiner. I bet she told him through Twitter DM.

Scientists believe humans have pushed the Earth into a new geological epoch. As evidenced by the fine layer of Cheeto dust all over the ground.

Scientists believe humans have pushed the Earth into a new geological epoch. They’re calling this era “The Worst.”

The Stanford rapist will be released after serving only half his jail sentence. And learning less than half his lesson.

The Stanford rapist is set to get out of jail early for “good behavior.” Yeah, ANY behavior after rape looks “good.”

The Royal Canadian Mountain Police will allow women to wear the hijab as part of their official uniform. But if a hijab is worn in the Canadian forest, and nobody sees it…you’ll still hear the sound of somebody complaining about it.

A new study shows that dogs understand both words and intonation of human speech. That’s why they’re never confused when you tell them Timmy’s stuck down a well.

Three former models say they worked illegally in the US while employed by Donald Trump’s modeling agency. Trump will spin this as the reason that they’re former models.

Three former models say they worked illegally in the US while employed by Donald Trump’s modeling agency. Not sure if that refers to their immigration status or the type of work he made them do.

Chris Brown was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. Another one, besides his fists.

Disneyland is closing the Tower of Terror. Fans will just have to go to the one in NYC that says “Trump” on it.

Disneyland is closing the Tower of Terror and replacing it with a Guardians of the Galaxy ride. Oh look at that, we’ve reached the point where Chris Pratt is no longer charming.

Alicia Keys defended herself on Twitter for not wearing makeup to the VMAs. This country can’t even agree on a woman’s right to choose her own face.

The CDC is running out of money to fight Zika, and Congress won’t be back in session to approve more until next week. The only consolation: some of them are probably on vacation getting Zika.

You can zoom in on Instagram now. I don’t get too up in arms about privacy issues with Google or Facebook or the NSA, but now it’s like, where do we draw the line?

Matt Bomer will play a trans woman in the new movie Anything. As in, “Anything but an actual trans actor.”

A new report says it will take elephants 90 years to recover from poaching over the last 10. Longer than that, actually, because an elephant never forgets.

A new report says there are only around 350,000 elephants left in the world, and they could be “the next generation’s dinosaurs.” Meaning a bunch of people will deny they ever existed.

Dwayne Wade said Donald Trump used his cousin’s death for political gain. Trump’s response: “Yeah.”

JetBlue mixed up two 5-year-olds and sent them to the wrong cities. But, at least they both got their luggage.

JetBlue mixed up two 5-year-olds and sent them to the wrong cities. Maybe they need a Mile High Babysitters Club.

 

 

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/22/16

This Week's Jokes

KFC had to warn people that its new sunscreen isn’t edible, even though it smells like fried chicken. I mean…couldn’t you say the same about their chicken?

KFC had to warn people that its new sunscreen isn’t edible, even though it smells like fried chicken. A sunscreen can’t be that good if the first word that comes to mind is “crispy.”

KFC had to warn people that its new sunscreen isn’t edible, even though it smells like fried chicken. And comes with a side of coleslaw.

KFC had to warn people that its new sunscreen isn’t edible, even though it smells like fried chicken. And also to wear legit sunscreen, so they don’t end up skinless.

A federal judge blocked President Obama’s transgender school bathroom access guidelines. So hall passes cover the “when,” this covers the “where”…next they’ll want control over the “how.”

A federal judge blocked President Obama’s transgender school bathroom access guidelines. The GOP is so worried about what they think transgender kids will do in the “wrong” bathrooms, yet they have no problem with this judge just openly waving his dick around at the President.

More of Hillary Clinton’s emails uncovered by the FBI are going to be released to the public. What if this whole time she’s just been trying to plan a surprise party for America?

Stanford University banned hard liquor at on-campus parties to combat sexual assault. Yeah, because everyone knows you can’t put a roofie in just any drink.

Stanford University banned hard liquor at on-campus parties to combat sexual assault. It doesn’t only happen when people are drinking, dummies. It’s “raping someone,” not “eating cheese fries.”

Stanford University banned hard liquor at on-campus parties to combat sexual assault. No, give out more. If your college won’t protect these women, maybe whiskey dick will.

The USDA announced a $20 million bailout for the cheese industry. Now it’s all government cheese.

The USDA announced a $20 million bailout for the cheese industry. Protest sign: “We are the 1% milk drinkers.”

North Korea has its own version of Netflix called Manbang. That’s also how I’d describe Kim Jong Un’s haircut.

A new report says that if you use the Inkwell filter on Instagram you might be clinically depressed. Or maybe your serotonin levels are just old-timey.

Hillary Clinton said that Donald Trump’s campaign has made “hate groups mainstream.” And then the alt-right scoffed, “we were racist bigots before it was cool.”

Hillary Clinton said that Donald Trump’s campaign has made “hate groups mainstream.” Which was fine until she said “but I think they’re lamestream.”

Elon Musk has been trying to get a date with Amber Heard. Another man in her life who’s a 4-letter word.

Elon Musk has been trying to get a date with Amber Heard. Has he tried, “I invented the Tesla”?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/15/16

This Week's Jokes

Adele passed on performing in the 2017 Super Bowl halftime show, because there’s already enough grown men crying at that thing.

Paul McCartney said he and Yoko Ono are friends. But if you play that quote backward Yoko says “Paul is dead to me.”

Kate Middleton encouraged families to seek mental health services for children. She shouted, “Let them eat Xanax!”

The Mayor of Cannes, France banned Burkinis as a “symbol of Islamic extremism.” If you want to ban a swimsuit, pick something actually offensive, like the tankini.

The Mayor of Cannes, France banned Burkinis as a “symbol of Islamic extremism.” This is the first time in swimsuit history a man has been offended by a woman being too covered.

The Mayor of Cannes, France banned Burkinis as a “symbol of Islamic extremism.” This shows such disrespect for Islamic religion, culture, and how hard these women worked all spring to get a “burkini body.”

The Mayor of Cannes, France banned Burkinis as a “symbol of Islamic extremism.” Yes, nothing says “religious zealot” like frolicking on the beach.

A Chinese diver’s boyfriend proposed while she was on the Olympic podium receiving a silver medal. Here’s wishing the happy couple a long, happy life of trying to upstage each other.

A Chinese diver’s boyfriend proposed while she was on the Olympic podium receiving a silver medal. The only thing more obnoxious would be if he got her a gold ring.

NASA says July 2016 was the Earth’s hottest month on record. Then it asked the Earth if it hurt when it fell from heaven.

Rudy Giuliani said that in the eight years prior to Obama, the U.S. did not have any successful radical Islamic terrorist attacks. Sick burn on the terrorists, calling 9/11 unsuccessful.

Rudy Giuliani said that in the eight years prior to Obama, the U.S. did not have any successful radical Islamic terrorist attacks. I think what he meant to say was “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”

A veterans’ group is trying to raise awareness about the suicide rate for former servicemen and women with the 22 Push-Up Challenge. It’s also raising awareness about who can and cannot do a push-up.

Roger Ailes is prepping Donald Trump for the debates. He’s going to just straight-up try to slap Hillary Clinton, isn’t he?

Roger Ailes is prepping Donald Trump for the debates. OK this cements my theory that Trump is just building up to whipping his dick out on national TV.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard reached a divorce settlement, and Heard will donate the proceeds to charity. Well, if that’s where the money’s going, maybe Alice Through the Looking Glass wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

A Florida college student killed a couple and tried to eat one victim’s face, and authorities described him as “a good kid.” But they added, “You know. By Florida standards.”

A Wyoming judge could be removed from the bench after publicly refusing to perform same-sex marriage ceremonies. Judge not lest ye be removed as a judge.

A new report says the number of women in jail has increased 14x since 1970. But a lot of that is just “Orange Is The New Black” extras.

Blake Shelton apologized for racist, homophobic and sexist tweets from 2010. Now he needs to apologize for ruining Gwen Stefani.

Blake Shelton apologized for racist, homophobic and sexist tweets from 2010. Do you think his publicist told him “Never tweet” or “Don’t Speak”?

Blake Shelton apologized for racist, homophobic and sexist tweets from 2010. But to be fair, in 2010, nobody knew you could be called out for that.

The Justice Department announced that it will end its use of private prisons. Except for the one in my mind.

Rio police said “there was no robbery” in the Ryan Lochte case. Lochte didn’t think he’d get arrested because “isn’t an Olympic pool international waters?”

An Egyptian TV station suspended 8 female anchors for being too fat. Didn’t realize Egypt was also home of the food pyramids.

 

 

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/8/16

This Week's Jokes

A former Chipotle employee won $550,000 in damages after she was fired for being pregnant. Plus extra for guac.

A former Chipotle employee won $550,000 in damages after she was fired for being pregnant. She was working and eating at Chipotle every day. They thought it was just a food baby.

A new study suggests that selfless people have more sex. Maybe they’re just too selfless to masturbate.

Tim Tebow is pursuing a pro baseball career. He’s a born-again athlete.

Donald Trump made a joke about 2nd Amendment supporters assassinating Hillary Clinton. I don’t know what’s going on in his head, but let’s start calling that junk on top of it a “grassy knoll.”

Donald Trump made a joke about 2nd Amendment supporters assassinating Hillary Clinton. It makes sense that he’s against gun control; he can’t even handle self-control.

Hulu says it’s getting rid of its free streaming service. Wait, how are they going to change my friend’s dad’s password?

A Baltimore police officer acquitted in the death of Freddie Gray will likely receive $127,000 in back pay. It’s like getting the reward from your own wanted poster.

A Baltimore police officer acquitted in the death of Freddie Gray will likely receive $127,000 in back pay. Don’t they mean “broken back” pay?

New Jersey is proposing a bill that would ban eating while driving. And you have to wait at least an hour after eating before getting behind the wheel.

New Jersey is proposing a bill that would ban eating while driving. Sounds like Chris Christie is trying to make some lifestyle changes.

New Jersey is proposing a bill that would ban eating while driving. Cops will use breathalyzers that measure your blood-salami concentration.

American Crime Story will return for a second season focused around Hurricane Katrina. A show all about how the government doesn’t care about black people is the most American Crime Story.

The star of TLC’s Sister Wives has been granted more time to bring an appeal before the Supreme Court related to Utah’s ban on polygamy. It’s taking awhile because he has to finish four honey-do lists at any given time.

A new study shows women’s body image has gone up in recent years. Yeah, because now we all have Photoshop apps.

Malia Obama was seen smoking pot at Lollapalooza. Wow, who does Malia Obama think she is, a Bush twin?

Arianna Huffington is leaving the Huffington Post. Or as it’s reported on HuffPo, “Arianna Huffington Leaving Huffington Post?”

Macy’s is going to close 100 stores. Watch for the Macy’s Unemployment Day Parade on NBC!

A 12-year-old is enrolling in Cornell’s engineering program this fall. The one thing he won’t learn how to build: social skills.

 

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/1/16

This Week's Jokes

Donald Trump is upset that the presidential debates are scheduled during some NFL games because it would divide viewership. Hmm has the NFL looked into whether or not Donald Trump has suffered head injuries?

Justin Timberlake won a Teen Choice Awards “Decade Award.” It’s the award for the *NSYNC member who still has a career after a decade.

Jack White’s record label played the first vinyl record in space. Mostly for the rights to one day say, “I was listening to vinyl in space before it was cool.”

Jack White’s record label played the first vinyl record in space. Oooh, we get it, you’re into vintage things. Like space travel.

Jack White’s record label played the first vinyl record in space. But in space, nobody can hear you be pretentious about music.

Gas prices in the US have hit a 12-year low. With the way things are going, this might be America’s Going Out of Business sale.

An Associated Press study found that Rio’s contaminated waters could make athletes “violently ill.” Instead of gold medals they’ll be giving out porcelain thrones.

Health officials are now saying flossing might not be necessary. And they’re saying it with a LOT of food stuck in their teeth.

Donald Trump kicked a baby out of a campaign event. What, is he afraid of a little competition? No matter where he goes, he’s definitely the biggest baby in the room.

Donald Trump kicked a baby out of a campaign event. Now his stance on abortion is even MORE confusing.

Apple will eliminate its pistol emoji and replace it with a water gun. Does not having a gun emoji violate my 1st or 2nd Amendment rights or both?

Leonardo DiCaprio pranked Jonah Hill on the street in New York, pretending to be a fan running up to take photos. But the most hilarious thing about that video is Leo’s terrible cargo shorts.

Pope Francis elected a group to “study” the role of women in the Church. It sounds like the Pope has been reading less of the Bible and more of The Game.

Michelle Obama is going to wear a dress made by Lady Gaga’s favorite designer for her last State Dinner. And then the dress will be served as the main course.

Pennsylvania just adopted a 6% sales tax on digital downloads and subscription services. It’s called the “Netflix and no chill” tax.

A new study says that who you hate depends on how smart you are. Well I must be a genius because I hate everyone.

There’s a new temporary tattoo device that will tell you how drunk you are. And real tattoos after a night of drinking will tell you how drunk you were.

Joe Biden gave President Obama a friendship bracelet for his birthday. So THAT’S what he’s been working on at Camp David.

Joe Biden gave President Obama a friendship bracelet for his birthday. Oh man, that must’ve been one epic Oval Office slumber party.

Pictures surfaced online of Orlando Bloom paddleboarding naked. There’s a censorship bar hiding his penis, because he’s carrying the one cock ring to rule them all.

A new study shows greater shrinkage in volume of white matter in overweight and obese people. Proving that you can lose weight if you literally just put your mind to it.

Sarah Jessica Parker says she’s not a feminist, but she believes in gender equality. In other words, Sarah Jessica Parker doesn’t know what a feminist is.

Massachusetts passed a law banning employers from asking about previous salary history. They can still ask about your allegiance to the Red Sox, though.

Sasha Obama has a summer job at a seafood restaurant in Martha’s Vineyard. She’ll have Secret Service protection from bad tips.

Sasha Obama has a summer job at a seafood restaurant in Martha’s Vineyard. But she doesn’t get a lot of tables, because nobody feels comfortable giving the President’s daughter orders.

Governor Andrew Cuomo signed a new law to allow the resumption of daily fantasy sports in New York. I didn’t realize adult intramural softball had ever stopped.

Facebook announced that the newsfeed will start to hide posts deemed as “clickbait.” Like “10 Reasons Facebook Thinks Your Posts Are Clickbait.”

President Obama wrote an essay about feminism for Glamour magazine. And also his top 5 sex tips that will drive your man wild.

Adele had her credit card declined at H&M. Look out for her new single, “Rolling in the Debt.”

 

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/25/16

This Week's Jokes

Debbie Wasserman Schultz said she will resign as the chairperson of the DNC. Or as she called it privately in emails, “Deb’s National Committee.”

Verizon confirmed that it plans to buy Yahoo! for $4.83 billion. At this point that exclamation point is just embarrassing.

Verizon confirmed that it plans to buy Yahoo! for $4.83 billion. Man, did you ever imagine that one day you’d be able to play monopoly online?

Airfares from the U.S. to Europe are at their lowest in three years due to fears of terrorism. I guess it’s good that Americans consider the U.S. is safer from terrorism now, but I thought we were supposed to never forget?

Airfares from the U.S. to Europe are at their lowest in three years due to fears of terrorism. And the fact that anyone who was going to bother with EuroDisney has already gone.

Charles Barkley admitted that he used to do bike exercises at practice while eating McDonald’s. He had to, they won’t let you take a bike through the drive-thru.

Charles Barkley admitted that he used to do bike exercises at practice while eating McDonald’s. In my heart if not the NBA, he just became the greatest basketball player of all time.

Charles Barkley admitted that he used to do bike exercises at practice while eating McDonald’s. But it was all about basketball drills: dunking fries in ketchup, dunking McNuggets in barbecue sauce…

Michael Jordan issued a statement about police violence and is donating $2 million toward reform. The statement: “It’s time for a change. And it was either do this or try baseball again.”

Australia’s Olympic team is going to stay in hotels due to reports of poor living conditions in the Athletes’ Village. But honestly they might just be freaked out about the direction the toilet water flushes there.

Australia’s Olympic team is going to stay in hotels due to reports of poor living conditions in the Athletes’ Village. And also to try to avoid lots of Olympic athletes running up to them and saying “Maybe the ZIKA killed your bay-beeeee!”

There was a woman wearing a Princess Leia costume at the DNC. Look at how far we’ve come: A woman Presidential nominee, and a woman cosplayer that isn’t dressed as Slave Leia.

There was a Bernie Sanders supporter wearing a Princess Leia costume at the DNC. TFW you go so hard at Comic Con you roll into work still cosplayin’.

There was a Bernie Sanders supporter wearing a Princess Leia costume at the DNC. I don’t know that it’s such a good idea to imply that Bernie should start using any type of force to take the nomination.

There was a Bernie Sanders supporter wearing a Princess Leia costume at the DNC. Wow, now they’re trying to take the White House by The Force.

The International Olympic Committee is giving athletes 42 condoms each during the games. Because like everything else they do, Olympic athletes cum really fast.

The International Olympic Committee is giving athletes 42 condoms each during the games. If the original Olympians were here they’d probably say something like, “You know in MY day, we didn’t have intercourse, we just birthed children from our heads.”

The Pope told nuns to stop spending so much time on Twitter. You know what, maybe that’s not the only habit they should give up.

The Pope told nuns to stop spending so much time on Twitter. Because the real people who need to be saved are on Snapchat.

The Pope told nuns to stop spending so much time on Twitter. But isn’t being in the church basically just retweeting the word of God?

The Pope told nuns to stop spending so much time on Twitter. But Jesus favs.

An analysis of data from the gay dating app Grindr shows there was a huge increase in activity around Cleveland during the RNC. Everyone was meeting up for “campaign donations.”

An analysis of data from the gay dating app Grindr shows there was a huge increase in activity around Cleveland during the RNC.  Talk about the elephant in the room. And the Bears and the Otters.

India is ending its women’s safety task force despite increasing reports of rape. If only it were so easy to get a rapist to pull out.

India is ending its women’s safety task force despite increasing reports of rape. Well, they’re already succeeding in decreasing the number of rape reports, in the sense that now there’s nowhere to actually file a rape report.

The NFL cleared Peyton Manning on charges that he’d used human growth hormone. It’s ridiculous to assert that Peyton Manning was taking anything to enhance growth. I mean, look at his hairline.

During his DNC speech, Bill Clinton revealed that he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times. Geez, it took less time for him to successfuly ask the country to nominate her for President.

Amazon Prime and Wells Fargo are partnering to offer a discount on student loans. If you pay them off in two days, the interest is free.

John Hinckley Jr., the man who tried to assassinate Reagan, is being released from a psychiatric hospital. A judge ruled he’s no longer a danger to himself or others. And Reagan forgot all about it a long time ago anyway.

Researchers say the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge helped discover a gene that contributes to ALS. Wow, it’s amazing what we can accomplish together when we spend 22 hours a day on Facebook.

 

Kylie Jenner’s Kyshadow palette sold out in less than 60 seconds. That’s still not as fast as that family sold out.

During his DNC speech, President Obama said Hillary Clinton “never, ever quits.” Ok #ImWithHer and that’s a great quality for a politician, but I mean…also a Terminator.

President Obama said he’s more optimistic about the future of America than ever before. He must know something I don’t. A lot of things, actually; he has higher security clearance than I do.

President Obama said the RNC in Cleveland was “not the America I know.” Yeah, a lot of people would say that about Cleveland.

Tim Kaine did a Donald Trump impression during his DNC speech. Kind of a hacky closer.

Tim Kaine did a Donald Trump impression during his DNC speech. And then Hillary came out and yelled “Live from Philadelphia, it’s Saturday night!”

Joe Biden used the term “malarkey” in his DNC speech. Aw, it’s so cute that Parks & Rec let him take a souvenir from the set!

Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s email. He was trying to do it himself, but apparently Hillary’s PW isn’t “TrumpRulz”

Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails. But he’s really just hoping for nudez.

Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails. And then he got so jealous of her having that kind of attention, he asked them to hack his.

Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails. God, that guy’s SUCH an idiot. Everybody knows she already deleted them all. (Then the FBI recovered them & the Attorney General deemed it not worth prosecuting. So you kinda have to be an idiot to enjoy this joke.)

President Obama clarified that he does not snack on exactly seven almonds every night, as a recent New York Times profile claimed. He snacks on eight.

Donald Trump Jr. has accused President Obama of plagiarizing a line from his RNC speech. And I just saw the President plagiarize that Michelle Obama eye-roll meme.

Donald Trump Jr. has accused President Obama of plagiarizing a line from his RNC speech. This is why a Trump Presidency is so dangerous: It’s making me question whether everyone should have free speech.

Melania Trump’s website has been taken down because it was “outdated.” That’s the exact term Donald will use when he’s divorcing her for a younger woman a year from now.

Iranian men are protesting against the government’s restrictive dress code for women by wearing headscarves. This is great, even if “I want to get in your hijab” sounds like a bad pick-up line.

American Sniper fans are mad that Bradley Cooper was at the DNC. I’ll fix it: Did you like Silver Linings Playbook? OK, that’s why he was in Philly.

Sesame Street laid off its 3 original human castmembers. They left the set yelling at their castmates: “You’re still here every day, with HBO’s hand up your ass!”

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/18/16

This Week's Jokes
Bernie Sanders supporters are planning a fart-in during the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia this week. Uh, how’s that going to do anything? Philadelphia already smells like farts.

Melania Trump’s RNC speech was heavily plagiarized from Michelle Obama’s convention speech in 2008. But at this point, stealing from the Obamas kind of seems like a positive direction for the Trump campaign.

Peter Thiel, the Silicon Valley billionaire who funded Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker, is endorsing Trump. That makes sense, they both know a lot about bankrupting companies.

Peter Thiel, the Silicon Valley billionaire who funded Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker, is endorsing Trump. The thing he likes most about Trump is that “it’ll piss off Gawker.”

Russia’s track and field team has been banned from the Rio Olympics due to a doping scandal. But they’ve been carbo-loading in the potato lines for months!

Russia’s track and field team has been banned from the Rio Olympics due to a doping scandal. There were all sorts of clues. Like their track marks.

A federal appeals court ruled that Texas’ voter ID law has discriminatory effects. Everything’s bigger in Texas, even the racism.

UK prime minister Theresa May says official Brexit negotiations won’t start until 2017.  I’ve seen Friends, this “on a break” thing isn’t going to work.

UK prime minister Theresa May says official Brexit negotiations won’t start until 2017.  They should just get it over with now and have one of Europe’s friends come by to pick up its stuff later.

Twitter announced that now anyone can apply for a verified account. Wow, it’s like Twitter doesn’t even mean anything anymore or ever.

Someone put a border wall around Donald Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame Star. I didn’t realize there were immigrants who wanted to live there.

Ted Cruz says he won’t be a servile puppy to Trump. He’ll be one of those puppies that eats everything and pees on the rug out of fear.

Experts say human brains can’t handle self-driving cars. Their main evidence: we can barely handle walking and looking at our phones.
A new survey says people who sext are more likely to be in a stable relationship. But not necessarily with each other.
A new survey says people who sext are more likely to be in a stable relationship. Put a ring on that dick pick.
A new survey says people who sext are more likely to be in a stable relationship. And more likely to have things in their phone like “I like it when you put a thumbs-up emoji in my donkey emoji.”
A new study finds that couples who get drunk together stay together. It’s important to mixer it up.
A new study finds that couples who get drunk together stay together. Passing out has a way of doing that.
 Hillary Clinton finally announced her VP pick, sharing the news with supporters via text message late Friday evening. Relationship question: Since Hillary texted way later than she said she would, I should wait, like, 3 days to text back right
And now, some jokes about Kim Kardashian exposing Taylor Swift’s lies about Kanye West via SnapChat (what a world). Watch my opinion on that, “Here’s An Opinion: Kim Exposing Taylor Is More Than Just Good Drama,” here
I wonder if any Taylor Swift exes will be released from their gag orders/cages in her basement to support her.
Taylor Swift right now: blasting “Shake It Off” on repeat and screaming into pillows made of Harry Styles’ hair.
Well Kanye was still wrong about Taylor Swift. Turns out Kim had the best video of all time.
Tom Hiddleston right now is like “well there was nothing in the contract about THIS.”
Tom Hiddleston: Hey hon, anything I can do?
Taylor Swift: PUT THE TANK TOP BACK ON DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN
Kanye just sat down to write Bound 3-37.
Hillary should name Kim Kardashian as her VP because she will unite this country.
Kim Kardashian taping Taylor Swift has brought America so much joy Edward Snowden has to rethink his position on the NSA.
Next Kim is going to prove Taylor DID wear high heels not sneakers and WAS cheer captain not on the bleachers.

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/11/16

This Week's Jokes

More than a dozen women have come forward to accuse Fox News CEO Roger Ailes of sexual harassment. It’s part of a new show, Fox and Non-Consensual Friends.

More than a dozen women have come forward to accuse Fox News CEO Roger Ailes of sexual harassment. Unfortunately, we’ll never know all the facts, because we weren’t there and FOX News was.

More than a dozen women have come forward to accuse Fox News CEO Roger Ailes of sexual harassment. Fox has dismissed the claims outright, because, like every other story, they refuse to fact-check it.

The CDC reports that the number of HPV-related cancer cases in the US is on the rise, with 41% of them in men. Brings whole new meaning to “he can get it.”

Democrats endorsed a “reasoned pathway” to the legalization of marijuana. What, did they come up with that while they were high?

Democrats endorsed a “reasoned pathway” to the legalization of marijuana. Oh yeah, that’s what everyone loves about drugs: the very specific, measured steps to taking them.

Some people are getting hurt playing Pokemon Go. 2016: survival of the Fitbit-est.

Some people are getting hurt playing Pokemon Go. Especially me. Emotionally. Everyone is playing it and no one will talk to me anymore.

The MTA issued a warning about playing Pokemon Go too close to the subway tracks. If you see Squirtl, say something.

A new court ruling suggests that people who share Netflix passwords could be breaking Federal laws. Because they’re trafficking in drug trafficking documentaries.

A new court ruling suggests that people who share Netflix passwords could be breaking Federal laws. It’s never good when Netflix ‘n’ Chill ends in a bail.

The New York Times reports that female doctors are still often earning less than their male counterparts. And it’s not because they’re having babies, because being an OB-GYN is very lucrative.

The New York Times reports that female doctors are still often earning less than their male counterparts. Women have got to stop saying no to scrubs.

The New York Times reports that female doctors are still often earning less than their male counterparts. Does it hurt when I point that out…here?

U.S. Starbucks employees can expect a raise this October. If the company can get their names right on their checks.

U.S. Starbucks employees can expect a raise this October. Maybe now they’ll be able to afford a cup of coffee there!

Theresa May will be the U.K.’s second female prime minister. It’s so inspiring to see that a woman can do any job a man decides he no longer wants!

Theresa May will be the U.K.’s second female prime minister. You have to say it that way, because women always go to the bathroom and their legacies together.

Disney will be introducing its first Latina princess in an animated series later this month. I guess that means it’s also the first Disney appearance of the Latin Kings.

Lance Bass will host a gay take on the Bachelor this fall for Logo. What’s next, a Bachelor for dogs?? Oh that’d be so cool.

The U.S. Capitol was placed on lockdown for reports of someone carrying a firearm twice in less than a week. After it was over, police directed everyone to “return to normal operations.” You know, acting like guns aren’t dangerous.

The British House of Commons will debate a do-over Brexit vote in September. Parliamentary politics is mostly about how you handle the oopsies.

David Cameron moved out of 10 Downing Street, the UK Prime Minister’s residence. Can you imagine if you moved into an apartment and the previous tenant left behind a bunch of their stuff and by stuff I mean an international political crisis?

The movie Legally Blonde turns 15 this week, which means it’s not actually legal yet.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton and Bernie Bros started freaking out on social media. Maybe they’re trying to do their part by negging Hillary Clinton into being President.

People are complaining about the new Ghostbusters movie. You know I rewatched the original movie the other night, and it turns out they’re right, there AREN’T any women ghostbusters in the first one.

Sexist Ghostbusters fans are still claiming the all-female reboot is “ruining their childhoods.” I guess they’re right, ghostbusting is kind of a man’s specialty. Oh, sorry–I meant ghosting. WHY DIDN’T HE CALL?

Sexist Ghostbusters fans are still claiming the all-female reboot is “ruining their childhoods.” Dudes, the only way your childhood self would be disappointed by the new Ghostbusters is if you invited him over to watch it in your basement apartment that smells like jizz and loneliness.

Sexist Ghostbusters fans are still claiming the all-female reboot is “ruining their childhoods.” Clearly your childhoods were already ruined way before this movie, or you wouldn’t be like this.

Donald Trump wants his VP to be a “fighter skilled in hand-to-hand combat.” Wait Trump’s trying to take his VP’s guns away?!?!

A new discovery implied the T. Rex’s stubby arms weren’t entirely useless. But that didn’t stop the other dinosaurs from body-shaming it.

A new discovery implied the T. Rex’s stubby arms weren’t entirely useless. Because they could hold a selfie stick.

NASA’s Juno Spacecraft sent its first in-orbit picture of Jupiter. Wait, that’s why they’re there? I thought boys went to Jupiter to get more stupider.

NASA’s Juno Spacecraft sent its first in-orbit picture of Jupiter and some people are criticizing the quality. Geez it’s like they think Jupiter revolves around them.

Taylor Swift revealed she wrote the lyrics for Calvin Harris’ new collaboration with Rihanna, “This Is What You Came For,” under the pseudonym Nils Sjoberg. Other things she did as Nils Sjoberg include: half of her relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal; wore high heels while “Taylor Swift” wore sneakers; was cheer captain while “Taylor Swift” was on the bleachers.

Facebook released their annual diversity numbers, and there hasn’t been much growth. The only diversity that’s increased at Facebook is in the range of emotions I can use to react to that news on Facebook.

Donald Trump is postponing the announcement of his VP selection in light of the attack in France. Even in trying not to make it about him he kind of made it about him.

Donald Trump is postponing the announcement of his VP selection in light of the attack in France. And also because he hasn’t actually figured it out yet. The guy doesn’t really do “thinking ahead.”

Tim Tebow says he won’t be speaking at the GOP Convention, but his thoughts and prayers are with it.

Eric Garner’s daughter claims she was invited to the President’s ABC town hall but then barred from asking any questions. Geez, does anyone know the right way to respond when a black person puts their hands up?

NBA player Jeff Teague is moving back in with his parents after being traded to his hometown team. He’s also thinking about just playing against the hoop hanging over the garage this year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/4/16

This Week's Jokes

Hillary Clinton was interviewed by the FBI over 4th of July weekend. It’s so sexist that we make the first woman Presidential nominee go through a formal Female Bikini Inspection.

President Obama casually mentioned that First Daughter Sasha has a Twitter account. And right now that account is probably subtweeting the f out of her dad for outing her.

CBS broadcast old fireworks footage on the 4th of July. What’s the big deal, they also have old broadcasters every year.

CBS broadcast old fireworks footage on the 4th of July. Or DID they? Can fireworks melt steel beams?

President Obama and Joe Biden announced they’ll refuse to visit college campuses that don’t take sexual assault seriously. But also not campuses that take it too seriously, because c’mon man college is supposed to be the best time of your life.

The UN adopted a resolution against female genital mutilation. That includes waxing, right?

The bikini had its 70th birthday. Um, isn’t that a little OLD for a bikini?

The bikini had its 70th birthday. Although now it’s aged gracefully into a modest one-piece.

The CEO of cheating website Ashley Madison feels that the brand could stand to be “repositioned.” Isn’t a lack of creative positioning in the bedroom what gets most people on that website in the first place?

The band Mumford and Sons boycotted a Swedish festival where 17 women were reportedly sexually assaulted. Great, now I have to like Mumford and Sons.

The band Mumford and Sons boycotted a Swedish festival where 17 women were reportedly sexually assaulted. They didn’t want to assault their ears, too.

Apple will give iPhone users the ability to join the national organ donor registry through its Health App. Swipe left for a kidney, right for a liver.

Apple will give iPhone users the ability to join the national organ donor registry through its Health App. I guess you just have to hope your iPhone doesn’t die before you do.

Apple will give iPhone users the ability to join the national organ donor registry through its Health App. I don’t trust my iPhone not to let the battery die, I’m not giving it my organs.

Patrick Stewart released a country album. Or maybe that was just an alternate universe plot on Star Trek.

Someone created a dress made out of donated pubic hair. I won’t wear fur, but I’ll wear bush.

Someone created a dress made out of donated pubic hair. And then waxed it into a cute heart shape.

A U.K. report found that the 2003 war in Iraq was “unnecessary.” Oh, you mean just like that report?

Gretchen Carlson is suing the CEO of FOX News for sexual harassment, which he denies. Unfortunately, we’ll never know all the facts, because at FOX News there are none.

The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service, a group that tracks the world’s time, announced that 2016 is getting an extra second. Wait, it’s gone.

The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service, a group that tracks the world’s time, announced that 2016 is getting an extra second. But I’ll need a minute to verify that.

The UK picked two female candidates to compete in a September vote for who will replace Prime Minister David Cameron. Two birds, one guy with stones for brains.