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Rave Reviews for “Let Me Be Google”

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Thank you to everyone who submitted a search request via the Let Me Be Google web form and Twitter account so far! Your participation was overwhelming for about 55 minutes, and is now a manageably slow trickle. But feel free to send in more requests! I am here for ALL your custom, artisanally curated search needs–day OR night.

Still have your doubts? Check out these rave reviews from satisfied searchers:

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It’s My Birthday! Is That O.K.?

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Originally published in the New York Times Sunday Review. Read it there here.

Hey everybody!

It’s that time of year again … my birthday! It would mean the world to me if you all could be there to celebrate. I know you’re all busy with your own lives though, so if you can’t, no pressure. Seriously — please do not feel obligated.

WHEN: I’m thinking Tuesday, March 22. That’s the actual date of my birthday, but more important, it’s a weekday. I know I can’t expect my birthday party to compete with anybody’s weekend, right? Or your Wednesdays. Or Thursdays. Or Fridays. Maybe Mondays, I guess. Hmm … should I switch it to a Monday? Never mind. Let’s just leave it on the 22nd — just in case I’m wrong and one of you is, like, the anti-Garfield and just loves Mondays!

It’s in Williamsburg, which I also figured would be good because I know a lot of us are living in that general part of Brooklyn these days. Except for Tom. Tom, you just moved to Park Slope, right? That’s kind of out of the way for me, but would you be more likely to come if dinner were in your neighborhood? And everybody else — would you be more likely to come if Tom’s coming?

WHY: See above — it’s my birthday! Yay!!! But, if you need more of a reason to go to my birthday party than just me, here’s a short list of people who were also born on that date, according to my research.

Andrew Lloyd Webber, Stephen Sondheim, Reese Witherspoon, Marcel Marceau, Wolf Blitzer, William Sha — whoooaa, William Shatner?! That’s so cool!! That is like, too perfect. Oh, wait, sorry. I was thinking of Leonard Nimoy. Whoops. That’s too bad. I got excited because “Live long and prosper” would have been a perfect theme for a birthday, right? Not that it needs a theme. I wasn’t planning on having one. Or should I? Actually, I just looked it up, and Leonard Nimoy’s birthday is March 26. That’s pretty close to mine … should we just get together then, so we can have the theme and celebrate Spock’s birthday, too? Or instead? Oh, but that’s a Saturday. Forget it.

Well, I think that’s about it for logistics. I also created a Facebook event, so you can just R.S.V.P. there so that we don’t get into an annoying reply-all situation. Plus, a Facebook event might be a better way to keep track of things, especially if there are any updates, e.g., changing the location to a restaurant in Park Slope so that it’s easier for Tom.

By the way, you may have noticed that Facebook made changes to the event response feature, so now instead of just “Going” or “Not Going,” you can also choose “Interested.” I would recommend responding with “Interested,” so that you can ask around and see who’s actually planning on “Going” before you commit. I mean, how awkward would it be if you showed up and it was just me there, right?!

And finally, if you do end up coming, let me explicitly say that just because you’re attending definitely does not mean that I would expect you to feel in any way obligated to:

— Bring gifts

— Pay for anything

— Hug me hello

— Sing “Happy Birthday” to me

— Say “Happy Birthday” to me

— Make sure I’m having fun

— Stay for more than half an hour

And, finally, finally: If you feel like going out on Tuesday, March 22, at 7:30 p.m. but not for any reason at all related to my birthday, well … then I guess I’d be happy to make some recommendations? I did a lot of research, so it would be totally no big deal for me to share my notes with you.

O.K., great, I think that’s everything. So … (maybe) see you on the 22nd! We’re going to have SO MUCH FUN (if Tom can come)!

 

Actually, We’ve Already Met

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Originally published in the New York Times Sunday Review. Read the full article here.

HI! So good to — oh. Um. Actually, I already know who you are. This is a little awkward, but… we’ve actually met before.

Oh no no no, it’s O.K.! No no no, don’t even worry about it! Really! No really! Really. Don’t apologize! If anyone should apologize, it should be me — I shouldn’t have even said anything.

Where? Gee, you know, I can barely remember myself, it was like, such a non-thing. Not that memorable at all, really. It was at Julie’s Fourth of July party, the sun was setting, and you were wearing — oh, Julie’s party? Julie Sherman? Yeah! That Julie! Oh my gosh, I know, yeah, Julie’s great! Yeah, she’s the best! How do you guys know each other?

From her party? Oh. Oh, cool.

…read more here.

10 Signs the Supreme Court Isn’t Taking Any Shit This Term

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  1. Ruth Bader Ginsberg blasts an air horn and shouts “Rrrrrreeemixxxx!” every time the court has to revisit an old issue like abortion or affirmative action.
  2. Chief Justice John Roberts has taken to issuing “I know you are, but what am I?” responses every time a Presidential candidate criticizes his bench.
  3. Justice Scalia has shown up to three arguments wearing a velour tracksuit because “We’re going to be here awhile and I want to be comfortable.”
  4. If the court is forced to rule again on same-sex marriage, all have agreed that they should at least get to snack on Rainbow Doritos during arguments.
  5. A new rule allows Justices to just text “TL;DR” instead of writing a dissenting opinion.
  6. Justices Kagan and Sotomayor are no longer holding back on “Thanks, Obama. Get it? Because he appointed us?” jokes.
  7. Justice Breyer is going to take some time off in December to finish his screenplay.
  8. Thursday arguments have been replaced with watch parties for How to Get Away with Murder, on the grounds that it’s “research.”
  9. Justice Kennedy has been seen chugging Red Bulls and muttering “Yeah I wish a muthafucka would” in the mirror while lint-rolling his robes each morning.
  10. If the court has to hear one more friggin’ case on the death penalty, they’ve made a pact that they’ll request it for themselves.

Meet Your Millennial Therapist

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Hi, it’s nice to meet you. I’m really glad we could squeeze this in today. This is pretty exciting for me—I just finished up my Masters in Psychology, and you’re my first real patient!

Now you said during the intake that you’ve actually done some therapy in the past, so I’m sure you’re already pretty familiar with how it works. Actually, you might have more “field experience” than I do—LOL!

So, tell me about yourself. Are you married? Wow, what’s that like? Man, I have no frame of reference for that. My life’s basically just getting started, you know? So if you were coming in here to work on issues with the hubby at home, I’d have to just be all like, “Gee, uh…I don’t know, have you tried watching Modern Family?”

Just kidding! We’d figure something out. I don’t need to have the same amount of life experience as my clients to be a good therapist! I may be a Millennial, but I’m not completely out of touch with how you older generations work. It’s just in my head it’d totally be like, “Oh wow, marriage—who even does that until they’re like, 40, anymore?”

So you’re married…Do you have any kids? Cool, me neither. I have absolutely zero parenting experience—other than a pregnancy scare with a one-night-stand or three in undergrad. So if you had kids I’d just be all like, “Uh…have you tried watching Modern Family?” Haha. Kidding again! I do love that show, though.

So, what made you decide to start coming to therapy? You seem like you have your life pretty together—I mean, you can afford therapy! I don’t know how people do it. Personally, I just do not have things together in terms of, you know, “being an adult” yet, so I would never be able to cover these co-pays. I don’t even have health insurance!

Whoops, sorry, one sec—I’m getting a message from this guy I met on Tinder. He’s sending me a SnapChat of his OKCupid profile. Ooh. Wow. That is…hot.

Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh, sure, tell me more about what you do for work! Gee, that sounds really grown-up and important…Really?…Wow. Bummer. It doesn’t sound like your boss does a very good job of recognizing your value. Well, you just remember, everyone is special in their own way—you, and me, and everybody! No matter how much or how little you do or how good or bad you are at it, you deserve to be rewarded! And you should tell your boss it’s high time he recognizes that.

And if that doesn’t work, maybe try “Leaning In”?

Now let’s talk about your personal relationships. Do you have a lot of friends? How about Facebook friends? And Instagram followers?

Gee, that’s not good. It sounds like you’re saying your social network—pun intended!—isn’t being very supportive of you right now, and you don’t feel like a priority in their busy lives or newsfeeds. But then again, are you sure you’re not just suffering from FOMO? You know, “Fear of Missing Out.” I know it’s pretty common among me and my friends. Have you tried asking them to brunch?

Oops, looks like we’re just a little bit out of time…Normally I’d give you a full hour, but not in my evening appointments, because of my curfew. I’m living with my mom while I pay down my student loans, and she likes to keep her “house rules.” It’s like, “Mom, come on! I’m 25! I’m an adult…ish!”

Anyway, let’s just put a pin in that thought where we left off, so I can be home in time to help set the table for dinner. And you should get home, too—Modern Family’s on tonight!

GoodFellas—for Women

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GOODFELLAS, Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro, Paul Sorvino, Joe Pesci, 1990

On Wednesday, May 10, the New York Post published an article by film critic Kyle Smith titled “Women are not capable of understanding ‘GoodFellas’.” I think he’s 1000% right, which is why I’m rewriting the film to be more accessible for dumb-dumb lady brains. My version will focus on themes girls can understand–like instead of themes of loyalty, power, and loss, it’ll have themes of makeup, and shoes, and makeup and shoes.  Here’s a sample scene.

GoodLadies: “Pretty How” Scene

Henrietta: Haha ew you bitch. You’re so pretty. Like, really pretty.

(Pause)

Tammi: What do you mean I’m pretty?

Henrietta: You’re pretty. You know, like, uh…the way you look, you’re pretty. You’re a pretty lady.

(The others fall silent)

Tammi: You mean my hair? My makeup? What?

Henrietta: It’s just… you know… you… it’s… you’re just pretty. It’s…pretty…you know, the way you look and everything.

Tammi: Pretty how? I mean what’s pretty about me?

Antonia: Tammi, no, you got it all wrong.

Tammi: Whoa, whoa, Antonia. She’s a grown-ass woman. She knows what she said. What’d you say? Pretty how?

Henrietta: Ju… just… you know, you’re… you’re pretty.

Tammi: You mean…let me understand this, ‘cause I dunno, maybe it’s me, I’m a little pretty maybe. But pretty how? You mean, pretty like with makeup? I look like a girl whose “makeup is pretty” to you? Not “naturally pretty”? Not “beautiful”? What do you mean, pretty? Pretty how? How’m I fuckin’ pretty?

Henry: …Just, you know, how you look. What?

Tammi: No. No. I don’t know. You said it. How do I know? I don’t know that I’m “pretty.”  You said I’m pretty. (Furiously) How the fuck am I pretty? What the fuck is so pretty about me? Tell me! Tell me what’s pretty!

(Long pause)

Henrietta: Get the fuck outta here Tammi. (Starts to roar with laughter.)

Tammi: You bitch. I almost had ‘er! I almost had ‘er! You stutterin’ slut, ya! Francine, was she shaking? Haha I love you bitches, let’s go get some shoes.

(They all laugh hysterically)

Henrietta: I did mean pretty with makeup, though.

Tammi: Fuckin’ bitch!

(Tammi shoots Henrietta with a hot pink Uzi)

Bad New Yorker Caption Contest Entries

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Each week, the New Yorker holds a caption contest. They choose 3 finalists, and readers vote on the winner. I am never going to win. Instead, I’m going to try my best to lose, like, real hard. Here are some bad captions for this week’s cartoon. Which one should I submit?

captioncontestDrawing by Michael Maslin, Contest #473, May 4, 2015

1. “Go in an piece of toast; come out an alien. Sounds like a pretty good deal to me!”

2. “Whoa there’s life on other planets and their bread is waayyyy bigger than ours! Like waaayyyy bigger!”

3. “Whaddya think’ll happen if that giant toast burns? A forest fire?”

4. “Ah! Extraterrestrials! Quick, git behind this bush and take off your shoes! I’ll call the X Files.”

5. “Ooh it’s good to be outside, it sure was toasty in there hahahhaaha!” “Shut your stupid face Glen, I hate you so much goddammit.”

Bad New Yorker Caption Contest Entries

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Each week, the New Yorker holds a caption contest. They choose 3 finalists, and readers vote on the winner. I am never going to win. Instead, I’m going to try my best to lose, like, real hard. Here are some bad captions for this week’s cartoon. Which one should I submit?

caption contestDrawing by Will McPhail, Contest #471, April 20, 2015

1. “What do you think they want? Their MTV?”

2. “My father took me, and his father took him, and now I’m taking you. Dang, I sure love ice triangle-fishing.”

3. “Hey I want a snack are you gonna eat any of these giant Doritos stickin’ up outta these holes?

4. “Hahaha they just keep bumping into the edge. Dummies. They’re like Roombas!”

5. “Stop lookin’ at them. They’re nothing to worry about. Look at this spike of ice I’m sittin’ on instead. How can this thing support my weight? It’s gonna snap any minute now and I’m gonna fall on it and impale my butt.”

Bad New Yorker Caption Contest Entries

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Each week, the New Yorker holds a caption contest. They choose 3 finalists, and readers vote on the winner. I am never going to win. Instead, I’m going to try my best to lose, like, real hard. Here are some bad captions for this week’s cartoon. Which one should I submit?

captioncontest
Drawing by Frank Cotham, Contest #470, April 13, 2015

1. “So I says, ‘We’re not leavin’!’ and they says ‘Fine here’s a wrecking ball comin’ through yer house!'”

2. “Oooooh, you get down here RIGHT NOW Miss Miley Cyrus!”

3. “Hold on I gotta go Ned’s getting upset that the dog is staring at him again. Oh and what about the big hole in the side of the house? Just close your curtains and mind your own business, Karen!”

4. “I don’t know what it is it’s like a giant orb on a leash or something.”

5. “Hello? 911? Is your refrigerator running? Hahahahahahahaha wait don’t hang up there’s really an emergency.”

Bad New Yorker Caption Contest Entries

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Each week, the New Yorker holds a caption contest. They choose 3 finalists, and readers vote on the winner. I am never going to win. Instead, I’m going to try my best to lose, like, real hard. Here are some bad captions for this week’s cartoon. Which one should I submit?

captioncontest Drawing by Kaamran Hafeez, Contest #469, April 6, 2015

1.”Why’s your horse starin’ at me all mean? Stopppppp hoooorrrsseee!”

2. “Whatsamatta with him? He don’t he like robots taking his jobs?”

3. “It’s the new Apple iHorse. Yeehaw, FUTURE!”

4. “You can lead a horse to water, but not this one, ’cause he’s metal and then he’d rust.”

5. “Yeah it’s pretty badass, like the Terminator of horses, but it hurts your butt to sit on him too long.”