White supremacist Steve Bannon is Donald Trump’s new chief strategist. Steve Bannon looks like a guy who was forced to coach youth hockey as community service for a DUI but had to quit because he got another DUI.

Donald Trump said he’ll start being more restrained on Twitter. He’ll keep his tweets to under 100 characters.

Donald Trump said he wants to repeal Roe v. Wade. Well, at least the wire hangers will be gold-plated.

Donald Trump said he wants to repeal Roe v. Wade. The only way to get an abortion will be to let him grab your pussy real hard.

Donald Trump said he’s “fine” with same-sex marriage. As long as both partners go to Mike Pence’s conversion camps.

Hillary Clinton partly blamed FBI Director James Comey for her election loss.  Which is astonishing, because if I were her I’d still be in the “screaming into a pillow” stage.

 

Hillary Clinton’s lead in the popular vote surpassed more than one million votes. Apparently the electoral college is an all-boys school.

A neo-Nazi site called New Balance the “official shoes of white people.” More specifically, the “official shoes of every white guy you dated in your 20s.”

A neo-Nazi site called New Balance the “official shoes of white people.” Well, I guess arch support is pretty important for all that marching.

A neo-Nazi site called New Balance the “official shoes of white people.” Which makes no sense, because New Balance doesn’t make a top-sider.

The Trump name has been removed from several New York City apartment buildings. So that the letters can be installed on the White House instead.

The Trump name has been removed from several New York City apartment buildings. Or as I prefer to say, he was evicted.

Carrie Fisher said she had an affair with Harrison Ford during the filming of Star Wars. Everyone else:

Mattel is releasing a Barbie doll based on model Ashley Graham. Now little girls will know that the size of your body doesn’t matter, as long as it’s perfect.

Apple brought back the old version of the peach emoji that looked like a butt. They announced it in a memo that read: 🍆

A woman found a dead rat sewn into a dress from Zara. To smooth things over, Zara’s sending her the cat’s pajamas.

A woman found a dead rat sewn into a dress from Zara. Six designers immediately came forward to claim the rat was a knockoff.

Kate Upton went on a tweet rant when her boyfriend didn’t win baseball’s Cy Young Award. So she’ll probably be President in a few years.

Kate Upton went on a tweet rant when her boyfriend didn’t win baseball’s Cy Young Award. Not sure what she’s talking about because in my baseball experience, everyone gets a trophy.

 

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Donald Trump won the election. Ugh I hope this doesn’t mean Green Day forces another “rock opera” on us.

Donald Trump said he’d be given “the electric chair” if he used the same kind of language as Jay Z and Beyonce. Ooooh, real original, another white dude complaining about not being able to say the N word when he does rap songs at karaoke.

Donald Trump won the election. What time is the President’s eulogy for America?

Donald Trump won the election. So it was rigged, but by the guy who made the first “Not My President” T-shirt back in the Bush years.

After Donald Trump won the election, Canada’s immigration website crashed. How about a wall to keep people in the country?

Donald Trump met with House Speaker Paul Ryan, and they appear to have resolved their differences. They realized they actually have a lot in common, since no one wants Paul Ryan to be the House Speaker, either.

Donald Trump met with President Obama, and said he plans on consulting him for advice in the future. One of the saddest questions of this election: will they give Trump the @POTUS Twitter account?

Donald Trump met with President Obama, and said he plans on consulting him for advice in the future. And Obama plans on responding, “new phone who dis?”

Melania Trump met with Michelle Obama on Thursday. But it was hard for them to have a conversation because Melania kept repeating everything she said.

Melania Trump met with Michelle Obama on Thursday, and they reportedly had an “excellent” conversation. Wait that’s the exact same thing Donald said about his meeting with Barack.

The KKK is planning a parade in North Carolina to celebrate the election of Donald Trump. Hoodies make you a thug, but apparently hoods are just fine.

The KKK is planning a parade in North Carolina to celebrate the election of Donald Trump. Haters gonna hate, and our next President is going to let them.

Fashion designer Alexander Wang says he uses “a lot of placenta” in his skincare routine. Wow those runway models are even younger than we thought.

The FBI finished reviewing the new Hillary Clinton emails. She’s not guilty of anything except triggering a massive “reply all” avalanche.

Janet Reno passed away. But it’s 2016, so every time a powerful woman dies two more rise up to take her place.

Two of Chris Christie’ ex-aides were found guilty of conspiracy and fraud for the “Bridgegate” scandal. And trolling.

According to a recent study, there are 28 metro areas in the U.S. without any Ob/Gyns. That’s a huge gap in thigh gap services.

People are upset that Toblerone is going to use less chocolate in its candy bars, because Brexit has made certain ingredients too expensive. Brexit: have a meltdown about what’s in your mouth; it’s not in your hands.

Someone stole a Seattle Seahawks linebacker’s collection of Magic The Gathering cards, and people are making fun of him for trying to get them back. Yeah, so immature that a guy who gets millions of dollars to play a game would care about a game.

The number of U.S. smokers decreased by 8.6 million between 2005 and 2015. But only because every smoker stopped bumming cigarettes to their “Oh I only smoke when I drink” friends.

 

 

 

 

 

Melania Trump said her focus as FLOTUS would be cyberbullying. Which seems appropriate, because they say change starts at home.

Bob Dylan finally issued a response to the Nobel Prize committee, saying he would attend the ceremony “if it’s at all possible.” He’s very busy–I mean, he’s a Nobel Prize-winning writer.

Bob Dylan finally issued a response to the Nobel Prize committee, saying he would attend the ceremony “if it’s at all possible.” He’s very busy–I mean, he’s a Nobel Prize-winning writer.

Bob Dylan finally issued a response to the Nobel Prize committee, saying he would attend the ceremony “if it’s at all possible.” That response is even harder to understand than his singing.

The FBI claims to have found more emails relevant to its investigation of Hillary Clinton in the investigation of Anthony Weiner for sexting a minor. Best-case scenario: Clinton makes him horny.

The U.N. General Assembly voted Russia off the U.N. Human Rights Council. It’s basically the international policy version of “you can’t sit with us.”

The U.N. General Assembly voted Russia off the U.N. Human Rights Council, reportedly because “it’s clear you don’t even want to be here anymore.”

A study came out that says men can take a birth control shot, but it was killed after men experienced side effects like mood swings and depression. In other words, they didn’t like feeling like women.

A new study finds that using Facebook could be associated with a longer life. Scientists released a statement saying, “OMG your status is literally giving me life right now.”

Facebook users are “checking in” at the Standing Rock reservation to show solidarity with its residents. They’re leaving a trail of Facebook sad reaction post tears.

President Obama said the government is looking for ways to reroute the Dakota Access Pipeline. It’s not clear if that means changing where it goes, or tricking it into giving the government its land.

The North Carolina NAACP is suing the state for allegedly canceling voter registrations from Black voters. But the only acronym related to black people that North Carolina cares about is the NCAA.

Former One Direction member Zayn released a book this week. But instead of a tell-all, it’s a sing-along.

Starbucks introduced new green “unity” cups for the election instead of its usual red holiday cups. The only people it’s brought closer together is people who hate the green “unity” cups.

Starbucks introduced new green “unity” cups for the election instead of its usual red holiday cups. Another shameful tactic in the War on Christmas.

Starbucks introduced new green “unity” cups for the election instead of its usual red holiday cups. That’s not how Jesus would have wanted us to have our overpriced pseudo-coffee beverages.

A federal judge ordered the RNC to hand over information about any planned Election Day poll-monitoring activities. So the RNC is busy getting all their files labeled “Racism” together.

A previously unknown flaw in Windows’ security system was exploited in the hacks tied to the Russian government. It turns out Clippy the Paperclip is a Ruskie.

Melania Trump shared her experience immigrating to the U.S. in her first major campaign speech. Or at least, she shared someone’s immigration experience.

Melania Trump shared her experience immigrating to the U.S. in her first major campaign speech. The Trump campaign wanted to give supporters more opportunities to chant “Lock her up.”

Lindsay Lohan is speaking with a new, ambiguous accent. No, that’s Lindsay Lohan’s coke speaking.

Lindsay Lohan is speaking with a new, ambiguous accent. At least she’s finally acting again.

Snoop Dogg said he thinks Martha Stewart should start rapping. And Martha thinks he should release a line of affordable home goods at Kmart.

 

GLAAD reports that this television season has more LGBT characters than any previous season. Especially if you count the closeted actors.

Dame Products launched the first Kickstarter for a sex toy. Get it in! Wait, that’s not what I meant. Get those donations in!

Dame Products launched the first Kickstarter for a sex toy. And male donors are just giving the minimum they need to in order to get a reward.

Tim Kaine delivered a campaign speech entirely in Spanish. Weird that so many of Hillary’s policies have to do with figuring out where the library is.

Quentin Tarantino said he’s going to retire after just two more films. But he didn’t say how long they’ll be…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DJ Khaled Snapchatted his son’s birth to the soundtrack of his own latest album. For the remix, they’ll shove the kid back in.

 

Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was vandalized. He should probably get ready for the Walk of Shame when he loses, anyway.

Melania Trump is going to give two more campaign speeches. Mostly to prove that Donald can let a woman speak if he wants to.

Melania Trump is going to give two more campaign speeches. The Gettysburg Address and the Pearl Harbor Address.

The New York Times printed everything Trump has insulted since he began running for President. There’s one whole page dedicated just to New York Times burns.

The New York Times printed everything Trump has insulted since he began running for President. How about “the very idea of democracy”?

Hillary Clinton joked that Donald Trump would rate the Statue of Liberty’s looks at “A four.” I mean if you’re going to make me think about it, “a four” seems about right.

Hillary Clinton joked that Donald Trump would rate the Statue of Liberty’s looks at “A four.” Before or after he learns it’s an immigrant?

Hillary Clinton joked that Donald Trump would rate the Statue of Liberty’s looks at “A four.” To be fair, that statue has not aged well.

10,000 California National Guard soldiers have to repay their enlistment bonuses a decade after signing up. Now being a “weekend warrior” has to refer to a side gig bagging groceries.

10,000 California National Guard soldiers have to repay their enlistment bonuses a decade after signing up. Well, at least that will take their minds off the PTSD for a bit.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is going to have a non-singing part in the Washington National Opera’s next Kennedy Center performance. These dissenting opinions are getting out of control.

Girl Scouts is releasing Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavored cereals. “I eat Girl Scouts for breakfast” sounds like something a bully would say.

Girl Scouts is releasing Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavored cereals. Wonder if there’s a merit badge for diabetes.

Michelle Obama campaigned with Hillary Clinton for the first time during the election season. They decided it was time to bring out the big guns: Michelle’s arms.

Facebook has revamped its Safety Center, which helps users report abusive and harmful posts. And where do I go to report people who comment without liking?

Facebook has revamped its Safety Center, which helps users report abusive and harmful posts. Like posts that make fun of the name “Safety Center.”

Portland police arrested a man in a tree costume for disrupting traffic. If a man wearing a tree walks into traffic, and someone’s around, everybody hears about it.

 

A woman is suing KFC for underfilling its buckets. Skinless, boneless or brainless?

A woman is suing KFC for underfilling its buckets. KFC’s main legal defense: get the judge to see their buckets as half full.

Justin Timberlake may have broken the law by taking a voting booth selfie. So if N*SYNC ever gets back together, now he can be “the dangerous one.”

The Vatican’s new guidelines on cremation say that ashes should not be scattered. They have to be kept ashes to ashes.

The Vatican’s new guidelines on cremation say that ashes should not be scattered. What a pain in the ash.

The Vatican’s new guidelines on cremation say that ashes should not be scattered. It’s part of the church’s new plan to raise money by turning dead Catholics into diamonds.

Obamacare premiums are going up by more than 20% on average next year. If they want more of my money, I’d better get really sick.

There was a massive earthquake in Italy. It started when the entire country started shook their closed fingers in the air yelling “Mama Mia!”

Apple is delaying the launch of its wireless ear buds. Probably because they already lost one of them.

The Queen of England visited a local grocery store and bought beer, wine and whiskey. If I were that old, I’d drink that much too.

The Queen of England visited a local grocery store and bought beer, wine and whiskey. Wow, mixing in among the commoners must have been a really harrowing experience.

The Queen of England visited a local grocery store and bought beer, wine and whiskey. The Royal Family is basically a bunch of rednecks, just with more money and more inbreeding.

 

Twitter announced it’s discontinuing Vine after laying off 9% of its employees. Hope it took longer than 8 seconds and 140 characters to tell them that.

Twitter is expected to lay off up to 8% of its employees. Or in Twitter HR terms, “unfollow” them.

 

 

 

 

 

During the final presidential debate, Trump kept insisting that Hillary Clinton is guilty of “a very, very serious crime.” WEARING WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY.

Trump says no one has more respect for women than he does. If what he has for women is “respect,” then let me say this: I do not respect women.

During the debate Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a “presidential puppet,” which isn’t really fair. Look at that hair–he’s definitely a muppet.

During the debate Donald Trump said that the single biggest problem coming over the Mexican border is heroin. And then loudly SNNIFFFFED into the microphone again.

Donald Trump said he’s named 20 suggestions for Supreme Court justices. Here’s that list: 1.) Judge Judy 2.) Judge Dredd. And then just those two names repeated 10 times each.

The final Presidential debate was held in Las Vegas. And you know what they say: What happens in Vegas…could determine the future of our country oh god.

The final Presidential debate was held in Las Vegas, making it 100% more likely that Trump would refer to women as “slots.”

Donald Trump says the election is rigged for Hillary Clinton. Trust me, nothing in this country is rigged in favor of women.

Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has “no intentions” of influencing the U.S. election. If he happens to anyway, well, there’s a Russian word for that: “Whoopsie.”

Mike Pence said that he and Donald Trump will “absolutely accept” the result of the election. The most dangerous thing about Trump is that he makes Pence look reasonable.

Mike Pence said that he and Donald Trump will “absolutely accept” the result of the election. “Woah woah woah, unless I actually WIN” said Trump.

China is set to launch a Shenzhou-11 into orbit for the country’s longest manned space mission. “Shenzhou” sounds more like a man’s best friend’s space mission.

Luke Perry is on the cover of AARP magazine. If that makes you feel old, consider this: I don’t even know who Luke Perry is.

A bipartisan GoFundMe page to rebuild the firebombed GOP office reached its goal within an hour. Great, all they’ve done is given Trump an idea for how to pay for his wall.

A bipartisan GoFundMe page to rebuild the firebombed GOP office reached its goal within an hour. But it’ll take a lot longer to rebuild the GOP.

There are at least two trillion galaxies, which is 10 times as many as scientists previously thought. And two trillion times as many as I thought. I’m very dumb.

Scientists have proven that refrigerating tomatoes can make them lose flavor. Where was that on the list in relation to “cure cancer”?

Scientists have proven that refrigerating tomatoes can make them lose flavor. It wasn’t much of a study; they just made a salad in the break room.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly wants to make a Captain Planet movie. I guess he finally got that one Oscar, and that was enough for him.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly wants to make a Captain Planet movie. Kind of cheapens all of his environmental activism to find out it was just method.

A man who tried to shoot George Zimmerman was sentenced to 20 years in jail. And now there’s a new line in Alanis Morisette’s “Ironic.”

President Obama said Donald Trump needs to “stop whining” about the election being rigged, but you know what they say: the squeaky wheel gets their hair to look like that.

A Montana judge sentenced a 40-year-old man to 60 days in jail in an incest case involving a 12-year-old girl. That punishment only fits the crime in the sense that that’s about the amount of time you’d ground a 12-year-old for doing something wrong.

The CEO of Buzzfeed tweeted that he once heard Ivanka Trump say she would like to see a “mulatto cock.” That’s probably going to make her dad mad, but not for any reason related to his campaign.

Warner Bros is planning another Willy Wonka movie. It’ll be a prequel, about how Charlie’s family got so poor. Real Oscar bait stuff.

“Uptown Funk” just became one of only 13 songs to go Diamond. Do they count how many times it gets played because that stupid chorus is stuck in your head?

The Roger Ailes scandal will be the subject of a TV miniseries. As of now. By the time they get through the list of women he’s harassed, it’ll need 10 full seasons.

 

 

 

 

 

Donald Trump stood uncomfortably close behind Hillary Clinton at several points during the second presidential debate. Because behind every successful woman is a creep trying to make it about him.

Donald Trump stood uncomfortably close behind Hillary Clinton at several points during the second presidential debate. It’s weird that Trump has her back.

Paul Ryan said he won’t defend Trump, but also won’t unendorse him. Reassuring Trump supporters under the “double negative equals a positive” rule.

Shailene Woodley was arrested at a Dakota Pipeline protest, further proving that she’s not the next Jennifer Lawrence, because Jennifer Lawrence would’ve gotten arrested for something fun like public drunkenness.

Former Blink-182 frontman Tom DeLonge emailed Hillary Clinton’s campaign chair about UFOs. His current career prospects also remain unidentified.

McDonald’s is downplaying Ronald McDonald while “creepy clown” sightings spread across the country. No. At this time more than ever, we need a leader. Send in the clown.

McDonald’s is downplaying Ronald McDonald while “creepy clown” sightings spread across the country.  When they told him the news, he Grimaced.

McDonald’s is downplaying Ronald McDonald while “creepy clown” sightings spread across the country. I’ve seen far creepier things in a McDonald’s playground ball pit.

The White House press secretary had to field a question about the “creepy clown” situation. The other one, besides Trump.

President Obama announced that the U.S. plans to send humans to Mars by 2030. And when Hillary Clinton takes office, boys can go to Jupiter to get more stupider.

President Obama announced that the U.S. plans to send humans to Mars by 2030. Wonder if there are any in particular he has in mind?

There’s a new Jack Reacher movie coming out. What if this franchise is just a big Hollywood inside joke about how short Tom Cruise is? “Get it? He has to REACH! Hahahaha count the money again.”

Vegan meat producer Beyond Meat got an investment from Tyson Foods. So…not that beyond it.

Officials from nine states are crediting Facebook’s voter registration reminder for boosting sign-ups. Even if they’re all just in it for the voting booth selfies.

Officials from nine states are crediting Facebook’s voter registration reminder for boosting sign-ups. And boosting long political rant status updates.

Multiple women have come forward with sexual misconduct allegations against Donald Trump. The new talking point from the Trump campaign: “Well uh if he lied about it, then that shows that knows it was a bad thing. So that makes him a good guy. Very good guy.”

Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature. The academy couldn’t ignore the significance of when he went electric typewriter.

Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature. The academy couldn’t ignore the significance of a musician whose lyrics are easier to read than to listen to.

Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature. I always forget that his music converted to poetry.

According to the Wall Street Journal, four out of five millennials have never tasted a Big Mac. That’s because being a millennial is all about having it your way.

 

 

 

The New York Times published 3 pages of Donald Trump’s 1995 tax returns, showing almost a billion-dollar loss. But his supporters relate to him more than ever now that they know he’s broke.

Montreal passed a law banning new ownership of pit bulls. The city was literally dog-eat-dog.

 

British PM Theresa May plans to start pulling the UK out of the EU in the first quarter of 2017. And if pulling out doesn’t work, is there a Plan B?

Donald Trump’s new DC hotel was graffitied with Black Lives Matter slogans. It’s the first time a Trump real estate project represented something positive for black people.

Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in Paris, but some people think it’s a hoax. No, the hoax was her claiming she went “no-makeup” to the Givenchy show.

Demi Lovato was accused of body-shaming Taylor Swift over “Bad Blood.” So guess who that song’s about now.

Yahoo shared hundreds of millions of email accounts at the request of US intelligence and law enforcement. Mostly, they learned that hundreds of millions of Americans only use Yahoo to sign up for Groupon.

The GOP Twitter account declared Mike Pence the winner of the VP debate before it even started. And then declared that social media intern’s career over before it even started.

The VP debate moderator had to keep reminding the candidates to stop talking over each other. Because as we learned from the first presidential debate, a moderator can only allow that if it’s happening to a woman.

A Southwest Airlines flight was evacuated after smoke started coming out of a Samsung Note 7. But you know what they say: where there’s smoke, there’s a Kindle Fire.

Legislators in Poland reversed their positions and voted against an abortion ban. Well you know now they’ll have to turn to back-alley abortion bans.

New research says that humans’ maximum lifespan will never surpass 115 years. Unless they went to the ‘Fame’ high school.

A new study shows a link between birth control pills and depression. It’s a whole different way of being on medication for depression.

A new study shows a link between birth control pills and depression. Which seems weird, because you don’t have to remember to take your depression every day.

Steve Jobs died 5 years ago today. Most people think he died of cancer, but it was actually planned obsolescence.

Drake postponed shows in Toronto, Newark and Philadelphia due to an ankle injury. His joints are as weak as his rhymes.

Drake postponed shows in Toronto, Newark and Philadelphia due to an ankle injury. Stay tuned for his next single, “Ice It, Elevate It.”

Vanilla Ice said he’s going to “ride out” Hurricane Matthew in Florida. Well, he’s already weathered the storm of his career.

Vanilla Ice said he’s going to “ride out” Hurricane Matthew in Florida, despite the storm being declared a federal state of emergency. Authorities are saying he should stop, collaborate and listen.

An Indian call center pretending to be the IRS was caught scamming U.S. citizens out of nearly $150,000 per day. I’m so sick of these foreigners taking jobs from Nigerian Princes.

Rudy Giuliani’s daughter says she’s a Clinton supporter. Well, that’s one less daughter Donald Trump wants to fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donald Trump was sniffling during the debates, and a lot of people asserted it must have been due to cocaine use. But we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Maybe he’s sick. Like really sick. What is he hiding? WHY WON’T HE TELL US?

Hillary Clinton was criticized for smiling too much during the debate, after being criticized for not smiling enough during the primaries. Maybe she should try smizing–that’s like the middle of what a woman can do with her face.

While talking about police brutality during the debate, Donald Trump said “Secretary Clinton doesn’t want to use a couple of words.” And the broadcasters said “OH GOD HE’S ABOUT TO SAY THE N-WORD WE TRAINED FOR THIS CUT THE FEED.”

Security escorted Jill Stein out of the debate site at Hofstra. Which is pretty embarrassing for her, but it’s still more embarrassing for our country that Donald Trump was escorted in.

You can now register to vote through Snapchat. But your vote only counts for 24 hours and then it disappears.

You can now register to vote through Snapchat. Because millennials should take voting seriously, sort of.

Nick Carter said the Backstreet Boys’ upcoming Vegas residency will be “a show unlike any other show that anyone has ever seen.” But the only reason people will go to that show is for the nostalgia, so he’s probably hurting ticket sales.

New Yorkers can now be buried with their pets’ cremated remains. If you think about the history of New York, that’s probably the least strange thing they’re buried with.

The first baby was born using a procedure that mixes DNA from three people. It’s like having a built-in step-parent.

A bill to prevent a government shutdown and to fund the fight against Zika was stalled in the Senate earlier this week. The way this year’s election is going, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to not have a government for a little while.

Tyson recalled more than 130,000 pounds of chicken nuggets because they may contain hard plastic. At least that’s something in a chicken nugget that’s recognizable.

Martin Shkreli is auctioning off the chance to punch him in the face to raise money for the son of a friend who passed away. Punching Matin Skreli, like Wu Tang, is for the children.

Martin Shkreli is auctioning off the chance to punch him in the face. Although he doesn’t look strong enough to stop anyone from doing it for free.

The Mascot Hall of Fame is considering new candidates for the first time in a decade. It’s been awhile since they had someone who wasn’t doing it as a sex thing.

The FBI is working on a database to track police use of deadly force but it won’t be ready for two years. I feel like Twitter’s doing a better job with this than the FBI is.

Colorado will distribute millions of dollars in extra marijuana revenue to school bullying prevention programs. Basically just giving all the kids pot so they can chillllll.

Colorado will distribute millions of dollars in extra marijuana revenue to school bullying prevention programs. They’re calling it “Pack Bowls, Not Punches.”

California removed the statute of limitations on rape. Maybe you can’t teach and old dog new tricks, but you sure as hell should punish him for the ones he pulled in college.

Gary Johnson was asked to name the foreign leaders he admires and couldn’t come up with one. But I freeze up and draw a blank on the entire history of music anytime someone asks me to name my “top 5 bands” so I dunno, feels like some real “gotcha journalism” if ya ask me.

New research suggests that bees may be able to experience a “positive emotional state.” It must have been so hard for those scientists not to just call it a “buzz.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gary Johnson’s and Jill Stein’s poll numbers are too low to qualify for the presidential debates. So yes, technically, there are people less qualified to be president than Donald Trump.

ISIS claimed responsibility for a man who wounded eight people in a Minnesota mall. Should we really be scared of ISIS? More Minnesotans died in Fargo.

Kate Moss started a new talent agency and said “I don’t really want pretty people.” Maybe she finally realized that’s not really a talent.

Donald Trump broke a GOP record for “small-dollar donations” to a presidential campaign. And also for “Confederate-dollar donations.”

Donald Trump Jr. compared a bowl of Skittles to Syrian refugees. “Give me your tired, your poor, your fistful of Skitt–wait, what? Really? Ugh, what a fucking idiot.” – the Statue of Liberty rn

Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. Guess it’s not so stupid that I hung onto this “Team Jen” shirt now, is it?

A Canadian Mint Worker is accused of smuggling more than $180,000 of gold up his butt. Or I think up there they pronounce it “boot.”

MIT developed a device that can detect feelings using wireless signals. Can it tell me how I feel about that?

MIT developed a device that can detect feelings using wireless signals. As long as your feelings are 4G.

The CEO of Mylan, the drug company that makes EpiPen, testified before Congress about why her company jacked up the price. It all basically boils down to, “Uh, because we could?”

Mark Zuckerberg said he’ll give $3 billion to “cure, prevent or manage” all disease by the end of this century. Or he could just cover everyone’s co-pays.

Mark Zuckerberg said he’ll give $3 billion to “cure, prevent or manage” all disease by the end of this century. He said in a statement, “In the next 85 years, we want your Facebook ‘On This Day’ memory to be ‘Hey, remember AIDs?'”

Donald Trump wants to make “stop-and-frisk” a national policy. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already been doing it for years at the Miss Universe pageant.

Nike will release self-lacing shoes this year. New slogan: “Ughhh Just Do It For Me.”

At least 500 million Yahoo accounts were hacked two years ago. The most shocking thing about that is there were 500 million people who still had Yahoo accounts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hillary Clinton has pneumonia and Trump supporters are questioning whether she’s healthy enough to be President. It’s summer now, Inauguration Day is January 20. Her camp should just spin this as another way that she’s overqualified.

Hillary Clinton has pneumonia and Trump supporters are questioning whether she’s healthy enough to be President. One of our greatest Presidents did the job with polio, but yes by all means let’s freak out because Hillary has a cold.

Critics are calling for Hillary Clinton to release even more medical records. What more do they need? An autopsy?

ESPN’s fantasy football app crashed. But the NFL says it’s ready to play again.

Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian revealed the sex of their baby. It’s going to be a little product.

Donald Trump doesn’t want any moderators at the Presidential debates. Well yeah, he hasn’t accepted any voice of reason up to this point, why start now?

Donald Trump doesn’t want any moderators at the Presidential debates. That would be fine if he could limit all of his talking points to 140 characters.

Medical journal documents show that the sugar industry paid scientists to downplay the effect of sugar on your health. If that’s difficult to take, try a spoonful of sugar.

Medical journal documents show that the sugar industry paid scientists to downplay the effect of sugar on your health. They also offered them a golden ticket to tour their magical factory.

Medical journal documents show that the sugar industry paid scientists to downplay the effect of sugar on your health. But it’s hard to get people to care because “Big Sugar” just sounds like a character on Empire.

The Oxford English Dictionary added YOLO to its word list. And it will now go by The Notorious O.E.D.

Ryan Lochte’s Dancing With the Stars appearance was interrupted by protestors. OK this time he really was robbed–of the spotlight.

Ryan Lochte’s Dancing With the Stars appearance was interrupted by protestors. Yeah, people don’t appreciate that he’s literally dancing around the issue.

Burger King is introducing Cheetos Chicken Fries. OK, it’s time for a Burger Coup.

Russian hackers leaked medical information for top U.S. athletes. It’s the Olympic Gold War.

Russian hackers leaked medical information for top U.S. athletes. Maybe they wanted to find out if they’d lose a literal space race, too.

A woman hospitalized after eating Chipotle wanted burritos as part of her settlement. I didn’t know you could use an insanity defense to sue someone.

A woman hospitalized after eating Chipotle wanted burritos as part of her settlement. That’s not justice, that’s an eating disorder.

A woman hospitalized after eating Chipotle wanted burritos as part of her settlement. They were like fine, but guac is still extra.

Uber debuted driverless cars in Pittsburgh this week. It was the perfect location for tests, because nobody cares about Pittsburgh.

Fox is making a movie about Stan Lee’s life, which means the actor who plays him will only get a cameo.

Colin Powell’s emails were leaked. That’s the perfect word, because boy oh boy are they juicy.

Colin Powell’s emails were leaked. Look I don’t want to tell newspapers how to do their jobs but I think a Colin Powell gossip column could turn the whole industry around.