This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/14/16

White supremacist Steve Bannon is Donald Trump’s new chief strategist. Steve Bannon looks like a guy who was forced to coach youth hockey as community service for a DUI but had to quit because he got another DUI.

Donald Trump said he’ll start being more restrained on Twitter. He’ll keep his tweets to under 100 characters.

Donald Trump said he wants to repeal Roe v. Wade. Well, at least the wire hangers will be gold-plated.

Donald Trump said he wants to repeal Roe v. Wade. The only way to get an abortion will be to let him grab your pussy real hard.

Donald Trump said he’s “fine” with same-sex marriage. As long as both partners go to Mike Pence’s conversion camps.

Hillary Clinton partly blamed FBI Director James Comey for her election loss.  Which is astonishing, because if I were her I’d still be in the “screaming into a pillow” stage.

 

Hillary Clinton’s lead in the popular vote surpassed more than one million votes. Apparently the electoral college is an all-boys school.

A neo-Nazi site called New Balance the “official shoes of white people.” More specifically, the “official shoes of every white guy you dated in your 20s.”

A neo-Nazi site called New Balance the “official shoes of white people.” Well, I guess arch support is pretty important for all that marching.

A neo-Nazi site called New Balance the “official shoes of white people.” Which makes no sense, because New Balance doesn’t make a top-sider.

The Trump name has been removed from several New York City apartment buildings. So that the letters can be installed on the White House instead.

The Trump name has been removed from several New York City apartment buildings. Or as I prefer to say, he was evicted.

Carrie Fisher said she had an affair with Harrison Ford during the filming of Star Wars. Everyone else:

Mattel is releasing a Barbie doll based on model Ashley Graham. Now little girls will know that the size of your body doesn’t matter, as long as it’s perfect.

Apple brought back the old version of the peach emoji that looked like a butt. They announced it in a memo that read: 🍆

A woman found a dead rat sewn into a dress from Zara. To smooth things over, Zara’s sending her the cat’s pajamas.

A woman found a dead rat sewn into a dress from Zara. Six designers immediately came forward to claim the rat was a knockoff.

Kate Upton went on a tweet rant when her boyfriend didn’t win baseball’s Cy Young Award. So she’ll probably be President in a few years.

Kate Upton went on a tweet rant when her boyfriend didn’t win baseball’s Cy Young Award. Not sure what she’s talking about because in my baseball experience, everyone gets a trophy.

 

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