This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/31/16

Melania Trump said her focus as FLOTUS would be cyberbullying. Which seems appropriate, because they say change starts at home.

Bob Dylan finally issued a response to the Nobel Prize committee, saying he would attend the ceremony “if it’s at all possible.” He’s very busy–I mean, he’s a Nobel Prize-winning writer.

Bob Dylan finally issued a response to the Nobel Prize committee, saying he would attend the ceremony “if it’s at all possible.” He’s very busy–I mean, he’s a Nobel Prize-winning writer.

Bob Dylan finally issued a response to the Nobel Prize committee, saying he would attend the ceremony “if it’s at all possible.” That response is even harder to understand than his singing.

The FBI claims to have found more emails relevant to its investigation of Hillary Clinton in the investigation of Anthony Weiner for sexting a minor. Best-case scenario: Clinton makes him horny.

The U.N. General Assembly voted Russia off the U.N. Human Rights Council. It’s basically the international policy version of “you can’t sit with us.”

The U.N. General Assembly voted Russia off the U.N. Human Rights Council, reportedly because “it’s clear you don’t even want to be here anymore.”

A study came out that says men can take a birth control shot, but it was killed after men experienced side effects like mood swings and depression. In other words, they didn’t like feeling like women.

A new study finds that using Facebook could be associated with a longer life. Scientists released a statement saying, “OMG your status is literally giving me life right now.”

Facebook users are “checking in” at the Standing Rock reservation to show solidarity with its residents. They’re leaving a trail of Facebook sad reaction post tears.

President Obama said the government is looking for ways to reroute the Dakota Access Pipeline. It’s not clear if that means changing where it goes, or tricking it into giving the government its land.

The North Carolina NAACP is suing the state for allegedly canceling voter registrations from Black voters. But the only acronym related to black people that North Carolina cares about is the NCAA.

Former One Direction member Zayn released a book this week. But instead of a tell-all, it’s a sing-along.

Starbucks introduced new green “unity” cups for the election instead of its usual red holiday cups. The only people it’s brought closer together is people who hate the green “unity” cups.

Starbucks introduced new green “unity” cups for the election instead of its usual red holiday cups. Another shameful tactic in the War on Christmas.

Starbucks introduced new green “unity” cups for the election instead of its usual red holiday cups. That’s not how Jesus would have wanted us to have our overpriced pseudo-coffee beverages.

A federal judge ordered the RNC to hand over information about any planned Election Day poll-monitoring activities. So the RNC is busy getting all their files labeled “Racism” together.

A previously unknown flaw in Windows’ security system was exploited in the hacks tied to the Russian government. It turns out Clippy the Paperclip is a Ruskie.

Melania Trump shared her experience immigrating to the U.S. in her first major campaign speech. Or at least, she shared someone’s immigration experience.

Melania Trump shared her experience immigrating to the U.S. in her first major campaign speech. The Trump campaign wanted to give supporters more opportunities to chant “Lock her up.”

Lindsay Lohan is speaking with a new, ambiguous accent. No, that’s Lindsay Lohan’s coke speaking.

Lindsay Lohan is speaking with a new, ambiguous accent. At least she’s finally acting again.

Snoop Dogg said he thinks Martha Stewart should start rapping. And Martha thinks he should release a line of affordable home goods at Kmart.

 

GLAAD reports that this television season has more LGBT characters than any previous season. Especially if you count the closeted actors.

Dame Products launched the first Kickstarter for a sex toy. Get it in! Wait, that’s not what I meant. Get those donations in!

Dame Products launched the first Kickstarter for a sex toy. And male donors are just giving the minimum they need to in order to get a reward.

Tim Kaine delivered a campaign speech entirely in Spanish. Weird that so many of Hillary’s policies have to do with figuring out where the library is.

Quentin Tarantino said he’s going to retire after just two more films. But he didn’t say how long they’ll be…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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