This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/24/16

 

DJ Khaled Snapchatted his son’s birth to the soundtrack of his own latest album. For the remix, they’ll shove the kid back in.

 

Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was vandalized. He should probably get ready for the Walk of Shame when he loses, anyway.

Melania Trump is going to give two more campaign speeches. Mostly to prove that Donald can let a woman speak if he wants to.

Melania Trump is going to give two more campaign speeches. The Gettysburg Address and the Pearl Harbor Address.

The New York Times printed everything Trump has insulted since he began running for President. There’s one whole page dedicated just to New York Times burns.

The New York Times printed everything Trump has insulted since he began running for President. How about “the very idea of democracy”?

Hillary Clinton joked that Donald Trump would rate the Statue of Liberty’s looks at “A four.” I mean if you’re going to make me think about it, “a four” seems about right.

Hillary Clinton joked that Donald Trump would rate the Statue of Liberty’s looks at “A four.” Before or after he learns it’s an immigrant?

Hillary Clinton joked that Donald Trump would rate the Statue of Liberty’s looks at “A four.” To be fair, that statue has not aged well.

10,000 California National Guard soldiers have to repay their enlistment bonuses a decade after signing up. Now being a “weekend warrior” has to refer to a side gig bagging groceries.

10,000 California National Guard soldiers have to repay their enlistment bonuses a decade after signing up. Well, at least that will take their minds off the PTSD for a bit.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is going to have a non-singing part in the Washington National Opera’s next Kennedy Center performance. These dissenting opinions are getting out of control.

Girl Scouts is releasing Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavored cereals. “I eat Girl Scouts for breakfast” sounds like something a bully would say.

Girl Scouts is releasing Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavored cereals. Wonder if there’s a merit badge for diabetes.

Michelle Obama campaigned with Hillary Clinton for the first time during the election season. They decided it was time to bring out the big guns: Michelle’s arms.

Facebook has revamped its Safety Center, which helps users report abusive and harmful posts. And where do I go to report people who comment without liking?

Facebook has revamped its Safety Center, which helps users report abusive and harmful posts. Like posts that make fun of the name “Safety Center.”

Portland police arrested a man in a tree costume for disrupting traffic. If a man wearing a tree walks into traffic, and someone’s around, everybody hears about it.

 

A woman is suing KFC for underfilling its buckets. Skinless, boneless or brainless?

A woman is suing KFC for underfilling its buckets. KFC’s main legal defense: get the judge to see their buckets as half full.

Justin Timberlake may have broken the law by taking a voting booth selfie. So if N*SYNC ever gets back together, now he can be “the dangerous one.”

The Vatican’s new guidelines on cremation say that ashes should not be scattered. They have to be kept ashes to ashes.

The Vatican’s new guidelines on cremation say that ashes should not be scattered. What a pain in the ash.

The Vatican’s new guidelines on cremation say that ashes should not be scattered. It’s part of the church’s new plan to raise money by turning dead Catholics into diamonds.

Obamacare premiums are going up by more than 20% on average next year. If they want more of my money, I’d better get really sick.

There was a massive earthquake in Italy. It started when the entire country started shook their closed fingers in the air yelling “Mama Mia!”

Apple is delaying the launch of its wireless ear buds. Probably because they already lost one of them.

The Queen of England visited a local grocery store and bought beer, wine and whiskey. If I were that old, I’d drink that much too.

The Queen of England visited a local grocery store and bought beer, wine and whiskey. Wow, mixing in among the commoners must have been a really harrowing experience.

The Queen of England visited a local grocery store and bought beer, wine and whiskey. The Royal Family is basically a bunch of rednecks, just with more money and more inbreeding.

 

Twitter announced it’s discontinuing Vine after laying off 9% of its employees. Hope it took longer than 8 seconds and 140 characters to tell them that.

Twitter is expected to lay off up to 8% of its employees. Or in Twitter HR terms, “unfollow” them.

 

 

 

 

 

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