This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/17/16

During the final presidential debate, Trump kept insisting that Hillary Clinton is guilty of “a very, very serious crime.” WEARING WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY.

Trump says no one has more respect for women than he does. If what he has for women is “respect,” then let me say this: I do not respect women.

During the debate Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a “presidential puppet,” which isn’t really fair. Look at that hair–he’s definitely a muppet.

During the debate Donald Trump said that the single biggest problem coming over the Mexican border is heroin. And then loudly SNNIFFFFED into the microphone again.

Donald Trump said he’s named 20 suggestions for Supreme Court justices. Here’s that list: 1.) Judge Judy 2.) Judge Dredd. And then just those two names repeated 10 times each.

The final Presidential debate was held in Las Vegas. And you know what they say: What happens in Vegas…could determine the future of our country oh god.

The final Presidential debate was held in Las Vegas, making it 100% more likely that Trump would refer to women as “slots.”

Donald Trump says the election is rigged for Hillary Clinton. Trust me, nothing in this country is rigged in favor of women.

Russian President Vladimir Putin said he has “no intentions” of influencing the U.S. election. If he happens to anyway, well, there’s a Russian word for that: “Whoopsie.”

Mike Pence said that he and Donald Trump will “absolutely accept” the result of the election. The most dangerous thing about Trump is that he makes Pence look reasonable.

Mike Pence said that he and Donald Trump will “absolutely accept” the result of the election. “Woah woah woah, unless I actually WIN” said Trump.

China is set to launch a Shenzhou-11 into orbit for the country’s longest manned space mission. “Shenzhou” sounds more like a man’s best friend’s space mission.

Luke Perry is on the cover of AARP magazine. If that makes you feel old, consider this: I don’t even know who Luke Perry is.

A bipartisan GoFundMe page to rebuild the firebombed GOP office reached its goal within an hour. Great, all they’ve done is given Trump an idea for how to pay for his wall.

A bipartisan GoFundMe page to rebuild the firebombed GOP office reached its goal within an hour. But it’ll take a lot longer to rebuild the GOP.

There are at least two trillion galaxies, which is 10 times as many as scientists previously thought. And two trillion times as many as I thought. I’m very dumb.

Scientists have proven that refrigerating tomatoes can make them lose flavor. Where was that on the list in relation to “cure cancer”?

Scientists have proven that refrigerating tomatoes can make them lose flavor. It wasn’t much of a study; they just made a salad in the break room.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly wants to make a Captain Planet movie. I guess he finally got that one Oscar, and that was enough for him.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly wants to make a Captain Planet movie. Kind of cheapens all of his environmental activism to find out it was just method.

A man who tried to shoot George Zimmerman was sentenced to 20 years in jail. And now there’s a new line in Alanis Morisette’s “Ironic.”

President Obama said Donald Trump needs to “stop whining” about the election being rigged, but you know what they say: the squeaky wheel gets their hair to look like that.

A Montana judge sentenced a 40-year-old man to 60 days in jail in an incest case involving a 12-year-old girl. That punishment only fits the crime in the sense that that’s about the amount of time you’d ground a 12-year-old for doing something wrong.

The CEO of Buzzfeed tweeted that he once heard Ivanka Trump say she would like to see a “mulatto cock.” That’s probably going to make her dad mad, but not for any reason related to his campaign.

Warner Bros is planning another Willy Wonka movie. It’ll be a prequel, about how Charlie’s family got so poor. Real Oscar bait stuff.

“Uptown Funk” just became one of only 13 songs to go Diamond. Do they count how many times it gets played because that stupid chorus is stuck in your head?

The Roger Ailes scandal will be the subject of a TV miniseries. As of now. By the time they get through the list of women he’s harassed, it’ll need 10 full seasons.

 

 

 

 

 

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