This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/3/16

The New York Times published 3 pages of Donald Trump’s 1995 tax returns, showing almost a billion-dollar loss. But his supporters relate to him more than ever now that they know he’s broke.

Montreal passed a law banning new ownership of pit bulls. The city was literally dog-eat-dog.

 

British PM Theresa May plans to start pulling the UK out of the EU in the first quarter of 2017. And if pulling out doesn’t work, is there a Plan B?

Donald Trump’s new DC hotel was graffitied with Black Lives Matter slogans. It’s the first time a Trump real estate project represented something positive for black people.

Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in Paris, but some people think it’s a hoax. No, the hoax was her claiming she went “no-makeup” to the Givenchy show.

Demi Lovato was accused of body-shaming Taylor Swift over “Bad Blood.” So guess who that song’s about now.

Yahoo shared hundreds of millions of email accounts at the request of US intelligence and law enforcement. Mostly, they learned that hundreds of millions of Americans only use Yahoo to sign up for Groupon.

The GOP Twitter account declared Mike Pence the winner of the VP debate before it even started. And then declared that social media intern’s career over before it even started.

The VP debate moderator had to keep reminding the candidates to stop talking over each other. Because as we learned from the first presidential debate, a moderator can only allow that if it’s happening to a woman.

A Southwest Airlines flight was evacuated after smoke started coming out of a Samsung Note 7. But you know what they say: where there’s smoke, there’s a Kindle Fire.

Legislators in Poland reversed their positions and voted against an abortion ban. Well you know now they’ll have to turn to back-alley abortion bans.

New research says that humans’ maximum lifespan will never surpass 115 years. Unless they went to the ‘Fame’ high school.

A new study shows a link between birth control pills and depression. It’s a whole different way of being on medication for depression.

A new study shows a link between birth control pills and depression. Which seems weird, because you don’t have to remember to take your depression every day.

Steve Jobs died 5 years ago today. Most people think he died of cancer, but it was actually planned obsolescence.

Drake postponed shows in Toronto, Newark and Philadelphia due to an ankle injury. His joints are as weak as his rhymes.

Drake postponed shows in Toronto, Newark and Philadelphia due to an ankle injury. Stay tuned for his next single, “Ice It, Elevate It.”

Vanilla Ice said he’s going to “ride out” Hurricane Matthew in Florida. Well, he’s already weathered the storm of his career.

Vanilla Ice said he’s going to “ride out” Hurricane Matthew in Florida, despite the storm being declared a federal state of emergency. Authorities are saying he should stop, collaborate and listen.

An Indian call center pretending to be the IRS was caught scamming U.S. citizens out of nearly $150,000 per day. I’m so sick of these foreigners taking jobs from Nigerian Princes.

Rudy Giuliani’s daughter says she’s a Clinton supporter. Well, that’s one less daughter Donald Trump wants to fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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