This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/26/16

Donald Trump was sniffling during the debates, and a lot of people asserted it must have been due to cocaine use. But we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Maybe he’s sick. Like really sick. What is he hiding? WHY WON’T HE TELL US?

Hillary Clinton was criticized for smiling too much during the debate, after being criticized for not smiling enough during the primaries. Maybe she should try smizing–that’s like the middle of what a woman can do with her face.

While talking about police brutality during the debate, Donald Trump said “Secretary Clinton doesn’t want to use a couple of words.” And the broadcasters said “OH GOD HE’S ABOUT TO SAY THE N-WORD WE TRAINED FOR THIS CUT THE FEED.”

Security escorted Jill Stein out of the debate site at Hofstra. Which is pretty embarrassing for her, but it’s still more embarrassing for our country that Donald Trump was escorted in.

You can now register to vote through Snapchat. But your vote only counts for 24 hours and then it disappears.

You can now register to vote through Snapchat. Because millennials should take voting seriously, sort of.

Nick Carter said the Backstreet Boys’ upcoming Vegas residency will be “a show unlike any other show that anyone has ever seen.” But the only reason people will go to that show is for the nostalgia, so he’s probably hurting ticket sales.

New Yorkers can now be buried with their pets’ cremated remains. If you think about the history of New York, that’s probably the least strange thing they’re buried with.

The first baby was born using a procedure that mixes DNA from three people. It’s like having a built-in step-parent.

A bill to prevent a government shutdown and to fund the fight against Zika was stalled in the Senate earlier this week. The way this year’s election is going, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to not have a government for a little while.

Tyson recalled more than 130,000 pounds of chicken nuggets because they may contain hard plastic. At least that’s something in a chicken nugget that’s recognizable.

Martin Shkreli is auctioning off the chance to punch him in the face to raise money for the son of a friend who passed away. Punching Matin Skreli, like Wu Tang, is for the children.

Martin Shkreli is auctioning off the chance to punch him in the face. Although he doesn’t look strong enough to stop anyone from doing it for free.

The Mascot Hall of Fame is considering new candidates for the first time in a decade. It’s been awhile since they had someone who wasn’t doing it as a sex thing.

The FBI is working on a database to track police use of deadly force but it won’t be ready for two years. I feel like Twitter’s doing a better job with this than the FBI is.

Colorado will distribute millions of dollars in extra marijuana revenue to school bullying prevention programs. Basically just giving all the kids pot so they can chillllll.

Colorado will distribute millions of dollars in extra marijuana revenue to school bullying prevention programs. They’re calling it “Pack Bowls, Not Punches.”

California removed the statute of limitations on rape. Maybe you can’t teach and old dog new tricks, but you sure as hell should punish him for the ones he pulled in college.

Gary Johnson was asked to name the foreign leaders he admires and couldn’t come up with one. But I freeze up and draw a blank on the entire history of music anytime someone asks me to name my “top 5 bands” so I dunno, feels like some real “gotcha journalism” if ya ask me.

New research suggests that bees may be able to experience a “positive emotional state.” It must have been so hard for those scientists not to just call it a “buzz.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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