This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/19/16

Gary Johnson’s and Jill Stein’s poll numbers are too low to qualify for the presidential debates. So yes, technically, there are people less qualified to be president than Donald Trump.

ISIS claimed responsibility for a man who wounded eight people in a Minnesota mall. Should we really be scared of ISIS? More Minnesotans died in Fargo.

Kate Moss started a new talent agency and said “I don’t really want pretty people.” Maybe she finally realized that’s not really a talent.

Donald Trump broke a GOP record for “small-dollar donations” to a presidential campaign. And also for “Confederate-dollar donations.”

Donald Trump Jr. compared a bowl of Skittles to Syrian refugees. “Give me your tired, your poor, your fistful of Skitt–wait, what? Really? Ugh, what a fucking idiot.” – the Statue of Liberty rn

Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. Guess it’s not so stupid that I hung onto this “Team Jen” shirt now, is it?

A Canadian Mint Worker is accused of smuggling more than $180,000 of gold up his butt. Or I think up there they pronounce it “boot.”

MIT developed a device that can detect feelings using wireless signals. Can it tell me how I feel about that?

MIT developed a device that can detect feelings using wireless signals. As long as your feelings are 4G.

The CEO of Mylan, the drug company that makes EpiPen, testified before Congress about why her company jacked up the price. It all basically boils down to, “Uh, because we could?”

Mark Zuckerberg said he’ll give $3 billion to “cure, prevent or manage” all disease by the end of this century. Or he could just cover everyone’s co-pays.

Mark Zuckerberg said he’ll give $3 billion to “cure, prevent or manage” all disease by the end of this century. He said in a statement, “In the next 85 years, we want your Facebook ‘On This Day’ memory to be ‘Hey, remember AIDs?'”

Donald Trump wants to make “stop-and-frisk” a national policy. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already been doing it for years at the Miss Universe pageant.

Nike will release self-lacing shoes this year. New slogan: “Ughhh Just Do It For Me.”

At least 500 million Yahoo accounts were hacked two years ago. The most shocking thing about that is there were 500 million people who still had Yahoo accounts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements