This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/12/16

Hillary Clinton has pneumonia and Trump supporters are questioning whether she’s healthy enough to be President. It’s summer now, Inauguration Day is January 20. Her camp should just spin this as another way that she’s overqualified.

Hillary Clinton has pneumonia and Trump supporters are questioning whether she’s healthy enough to be President. One of our greatest Presidents did the job with polio, but yes by all means let’s freak out because Hillary has a cold.

Critics are calling for Hillary Clinton to release even more medical records. What more do they need? An autopsy?

ESPN’s fantasy football app crashed. But the NFL says it’s ready to play again.

Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian revealed the sex of their baby. It’s going to be a little product.

Donald Trump doesn’t want any moderators at the Presidential debates. Well yeah, he hasn’t accepted any voice of reason up to this point, why start now?

Donald Trump doesn’t want any moderators at the Presidential debates. That would be fine if he could limit all of his talking points to 140 characters.

Medical journal documents show that the sugar industry paid scientists to downplay the effect of sugar on your health. If that’s difficult to take, try a spoonful of sugar.

Medical journal documents show that the sugar industry paid scientists to downplay the effect of sugar on your health. They also offered them a golden ticket to tour their magical factory.

Medical journal documents show that the sugar industry paid scientists to downplay the effect of sugar on your health. But it’s hard to get people to care because “Big Sugar” just sounds like a character on Empire.

The Oxford English Dictionary added YOLO to its word list. And it will now go by The Notorious O.E.D.

Ryan Lochte’s Dancing With the Stars appearance was interrupted by protestors. OK this time he really was robbed–of the spotlight.

Ryan Lochte’s Dancing With the Stars appearance was interrupted by protestors. Yeah, people don’t appreciate that he’s literally dancing around the issue.

Burger King is introducing Cheetos Chicken Fries. OK, it’s time for a Burger Coup.

Russian hackers leaked medical information for top U.S. athletes. It’s the Olympic Gold War.

Russian hackers leaked medical information for top U.S. athletes. Maybe they wanted to find out if they’d lose a literal space race, too.

A woman hospitalized after eating Chipotle wanted burritos as part of her settlement. I didn’t know you could use an insanity defense to sue someone.

A woman hospitalized after eating Chipotle wanted burritos as part of her settlement. That’s not justice, that’s an eating disorder.

A woman hospitalized after eating Chipotle wanted burritos as part of her settlement. They were like fine, but guac is still extra.

Uber debuted driverless cars in Pittsburgh this week. It was the perfect location for tests, because nobody cares about Pittsburgh.

Fox is making a movie about Stan Lee’s life, which means the actor who plays him will only get a cameo.

Colin Powell’s emails were leaked. That’s the perfect word, because boy oh boy are they juicy.

Colin Powell’s emails were leaked. Look I don’t want to tell newspapers how to do their jobs but I think a Colin Powell gossip column could turn the whole industry around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements