This Week’s Jokes: Week of 9/5/16

Bill Cosby’s lawyers are now claiming racial bias as a defense strategy. Do they know anything about our justice system? If race were a factor, he would’ve already been convicted.

Durex made an eggplant-flavored condom. Fine. Still doesn’t explain why your dick is covered in parmesan cheese.

The assistant principal of a Texas high school blamed girls’ outfits for the poor performance of male students. But maybe he just meant that when there’s too little left to their imaginations, their creativity stagnates.

Beyoncé postponed her New Jersey show for vocal rest. Most pop stars just use their shows for that.

The Black Eyed Peas released a remake of “Where Is The Love?” It was time, because people have been asking “Who are the Black Eyed Peas?”

The Black Eyed Peas released a remake of “Where Is The Love?” And this time it’s going to fix everything!

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up. The relationship lasted almost as long as it took their publicists to work out their contracts.

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up. It must be hard dating a celebrity. You have to pick up your stuff from their multiple houses.

Fox News apologized to former anchor Gretchen Carlson and gave her $20 million. Roger Ailes got a $40 million severance package. So the lesson here is: always do the wrong thing.

Fox News apologized to former anchor Gretchen Carlson and gave her $20 million. Roger Ailes got a $40 million severance package. Apparently the lawsuit settlement gap is even bigger than the wage gap.

The Stanford rapist registered as a sex offender in Ohio, his home state. I don’t know how he got permission to do it there instead of California, but knowing him I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t.

The Stanford rapist registered as a sex offender in Ohio, his home state. He’ll have to re-register every 90 days. Wow, that’ll be here before he knows it. Just the like the end of his prison sentence.

The Stanford rapist registered as a sex offender in Ohio, his home state. He’ll have to re-register every 90 days. Or, as he’ll remember it, once every “only time I had to spend in jail.”

The Team USA hockey coach said he’d ban any players who sit during the National Anthem. And you thought hockey couldn’t get any whiter.

The Team USA hockey coach said he’d ban any players who sit during the National Anthem. To paraphrase Wayne Gretzky, you miss 100% of the points about free speech and police brutality you don’t understand.

Apple’s new iPhone will have wireless ear buds and whoops I’ve already lost them.

Apple’s new iPhone will have wireless ear buds. For when you want to listen to the latest music, but look like you’re too old to enjoy it anymore.

Kanye’s working on an album with Drake, and he just signed Tyga to his label. Someone should tell him you don’t HAVE to like your friends’ lame boyfriends.

A scientist named a parasite after President Obama. Shit. The White House has been bugged.

An investigation found that Wells Fargo has been scamming customers for years. But that’s what everyone expects from banks now anyway, so…still a bank you can trust.

Hillary Clinton left the 9/11 memorial ceremony because she was “overheated.” Oh, they expect us to believe the memory of jet fuel can melt Presidential candidates?

Jill Stein wants a new investigation into the 9/11 attacks. Whoops sorry that should read “attention.”

 

 

 

 

 

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