This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/29/16

Former Texas Governor Rick Perry will be on Dancing With The Stars. He’ll be the show’s first celebrity racist.

Huma Abedin is separating from husband Anthony Weiner. Is that a dick in his pocket or is he just trying to destroy her career?

Huma Abedin is separating from husband Anthony Weiner. I bet she told him through Twitter DM.

Scientists believe humans have pushed the Earth into a new geological epoch. As evidenced by the fine layer of Cheeto dust all over the ground.

Scientists believe humans have pushed the Earth into a new geological epoch. They’re calling this era “The Worst.”

The Stanford rapist will be released after serving only half his jail sentence. And learning less than half his lesson.

The Stanford rapist is set to get out of jail early for “good behavior.” Yeah, ANY behavior after rape looks “good.”

The Royal Canadian Mountain Police will allow women to wear the hijab as part of their official uniform. But if a hijab is worn in the Canadian forest, and nobody sees it…you’ll still hear the sound of somebody complaining about it.

A new study shows that dogs understand both words and intonation of human speech. That’s why they’re never confused when you tell them Timmy’s stuck down a well.

Three former models say they worked illegally in the US while employed by Donald Trump’s modeling agency. Trump will spin this as the reason that they’re former models.

Three former models say they worked illegally in the US while employed by Donald Trump’s modeling agency. Not sure if that refers to their immigration status or the type of work he made them do.

Chris Brown was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. Another one, besides his fists.

Disneyland is closing the Tower of Terror. Fans will just have to go to the one in NYC that says “Trump” on it.

Disneyland is closing the Tower of Terror and replacing it with a Guardians of the Galaxy ride. Oh look at that, we’ve reached the point where Chris Pratt is no longer charming.

Alicia Keys defended herself on Twitter for not wearing makeup to the VMAs. This country can’t even agree on a woman’s right to choose her own face.

The CDC is running out of money to fight Zika, and Congress won’t be back in session to approve more until next week. The only consolation: some of them are probably on vacation getting Zika.

You can zoom in on Instagram now. I don’t get too up in arms about privacy issues with Google or Facebook or the NSA, but now it’s like, where do we draw the line?

Matt Bomer will play a trans woman in the new movie Anything. As in, “Anything but an actual trans actor.”

A new report says it will take elephants 90 years to recover from poaching over the last 10. Longer than that, actually, because an elephant never forgets.

A new report says there are only around 350,000 elephants left in the world, and they could be “the next generation’s dinosaurs.” Meaning a bunch of people will deny they ever existed.

Dwayne Wade said Donald Trump used his cousin’s death for political gain. Trump’s response: “Yeah.”

JetBlue mixed up two 5-year-olds and sent them to the wrong cities. But, at least they both got their luggage.

JetBlue mixed up two 5-year-olds and sent them to the wrong cities. Maybe they need a Mile High Babysitters Club.

 

 

 

 

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