This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/15/16

Adele passed on performing in the 2017 Super Bowl halftime show, because there’s already enough grown men crying at that thing.

Paul McCartney said he and Yoko Ono are friends. But if you play that quote backward Yoko says “Paul is dead to me.”

Kate Middleton encouraged families to seek mental health services for children. She shouted, “Let them eat Xanax!”

The Mayor of Cannes, France banned Burkinis as a “symbol of Islamic extremism.” If you want to ban a swimsuit, pick something actually offensive, like the tankini.

The Mayor of Cannes, France banned Burkinis as a “symbol of Islamic extremism.” This is the first time in swimsuit history a man has been offended by a woman being too covered.

The Mayor of Cannes, France banned Burkinis as a “symbol of Islamic extremism.” This shows such disrespect for Islamic religion, culture, and how hard these women worked all spring to get a “burkini body.”

The Mayor of Cannes, France banned Burkinis as a “symbol of Islamic extremism.” Yes, nothing says “religious zealot” like frolicking on the beach.

A Chinese diver’s boyfriend proposed while she was on the Olympic podium receiving a silver medal. Here’s wishing the happy couple a long, happy life of trying to upstage each other.

A Chinese diver’s boyfriend proposed while she was on the Olympic podium receiving a silver medal. The only thing more obnoxious would be if he got her a gold ring.

NASA says July 2016 was the Earth’s hottest month on record. Then it asked the Earth if it hurt when it fell from heaven.

Rudy Giuliani said that in the eight years prior to Obama, the U.S. did not have any successful radical Islamic terrorist attacks. Sick burn on the terrorists, calling 9/11 unsuccessful.

Rudy Giuliani said that in the eight years prior to Obama, the U.S. did not have any successful radical Islamic terrorist attacks. I think what he meant to say was “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”

A veterans’ group is trying to raise awareness about the suicide rate for former servicemen and women with the 22 Push-Up Challenge. It’s also raising awareness about who can and cannot do a push-up.

Roger Ailes is prepping Donald Trump for the debates. He’s going to just straight-up try to slap Hillary Clinton, isn’t he?

Roger Ailes is prepping Donald Trump for the debates. OK this cements my theory that Trump is just building up to whipping his dick out on national TV.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard reached a divorce settlement, and Heard will donate the proceeds to charity. Well, if that’s where the money’s going, maybe Alice Through the Looking Glass wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

A Florida college student killed a couple and tried to eat one victim’s face, and authorities described him as “a good kid.” But they added, “You know. By Florida standards.”

A Wyoming judge could be removed from the bench after publicly refusing to perform same-sex marriage ceremonies. Judge not lest ye be removed as a judge.

A new report says the number of women in jail has increased 14x since 1970. But a lot of that is just “Orange Is The New Black” extras.

Blake Shelton apologized for racist, homophobic and sexist tweets from 2010. Now he needs to apologize for ruining Gwen Stefani.

Blake Shelton apologized for racist, homophobic and sexist tweets from 2010. Do you think his publicist told him “Never tweet” or “Don’t Speak”?

Blake Shelton apologized for racist, homophobic and sexist tweets from 2010. But to be fair, in 2010, nobody knew you could be called out for that.

The Justice Department announced that it will end its use of private prisons. Except for the one in my mind.

Rio police said “there was no robbery” in the Ryan Lochte case. Lochte didn’t think he’d get arrested because “isn’t an Olympic pool international waters?”

An Egyptian TV station suspended 8 female anchors for being too fat. Didn’t realize Egypt was also home of the food pyramids.

 

 

 

 

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