This Week’s Jokes: Week of 8/8/16

A former Chipotle employee won $550,000 in damages after she was fired for being pregnant. Plus extra for guac.

A former Chipotle employee won $550,000 in damages after she was fired for being pregnant. She was working and eating at Chipotle every day. They thought it was just a food baby.

A new study suggests that selfless people have more sex. Maybe they’re just too selfless to masturbate.

Tim Tebow is pursuing a pro baseball career. He’s a born-again athlete.

Donald Trump made a joke about 2nd Amendment supporters assassinating Hillary Clinton. I don’t know what’s going on in his head, but let’s start calling that junk on top of it a “grassy knoll.”

Donald Trump made a joke about 2nd Amendment supporters assassinating Hillary Clinton. It makes sense that he’s against gun control; he can’t even handle self-control.

Hulu says it’s getting rid of its free streaming service. Wait, how are they going to change my friend’s dad’s password?

A Baltimore police officer acquitted in the death of Freddie Gray will likely receive $127,000 in back pay. It’s like getting the reward from your own wanted poster.

A Baltimore police officer acquitted in the death of Freddie Gray will likely receive $127,000 in back pay. Don’t they mean “broken back” pay?

New Jersey is proposing a bill that would ban eating while driving. And you have to wait at least an hour after eating before getting behind the wheel.

New Jersey is proposing a bill that would ban eating while driving. Sounds like Chris Christie is trying to make some lifestyle changes.

New Jersey is proposing a bill that would ban eating while driving. Cops will use breathalyzers that measure your blood-salami concentration.

American Crime Story will return for a second season focused around Hurricane Katrina. A show all about how the government doesn’t care about black people is the most American Crime Story.

The star of TLC’s Sister Wives has been granted more time to bring an appeal before the Supreme Court related to Utah’s ban on polygamy. It’s taking awhile because he has to finish four honey-do lists at any given time.

A new study shows women’s body image has gone up in recent years. Yeah, because now we all have Photoshop apps.

Malia Obama was seen smoking pot at Lollapalooza. Wow, who does Malia Obama think she is, a Bush twin?

Arianna Huffington is leaving the Huffington Post. Or as it’s reported on HuffPo, “Arianna Huffington Leaving Huffington Post?”

Macy’s is going to close 100 stores. Watch for the Macy’s Unemployment Day Parade on NBC!

A 12-year-old is enrolling in Cornell’s engineering program this fall. The one thing he won’t learn how to build: social skills.

 

 

 

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