This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/25/16

Debbie Wasserman Schultz said she will resign as the chairperson of the DNC. Or as she called it privately in emails, “Deb’s National Committee.”

Verizon confirmed that it plans to buy Yahoo! for $4.83 billion. At this point that exclamation point is just embarrassing.

Verizon confirmed that it plans to buy Yahoo! for $4.83 billion. Man, did you ever imagine that one day you’d be able to play monopoly online?

Airfares from the U.S. to Europe are at their lowest in three years due to fears of terrorism. I guess it’s good that Americans consider the U.S. is safer from terrorism now, but I thought we were supposed to never forget?

Airfares from the U.S. to Europe are at their lowest in three years due to fears of terrorism. And the fact that anyone who was going to bother with EuroDisney has already gone.

Charles Barkley admitted that he used to do bike exercises at practice while eating McDonald’s. He had to, they won’t let you take a bike through the drive-thru.

Charles Barkley admitted that he used to do bike exercises at practice while eating McDonald’s. In my heart if not the NBA, he just became the greatest basketball player of all time.

Charles Barkley admitted that he used to do bike exercises at practice while eating McDonald’s. But it was all about basketball drills: dunking fries in ketchup, dunking McNuggets in barbecue sauce…

Michael Jordan issued a statement about police violence and is donating $2 million toward reform. The statement: “It’s time for a change. And it was either do this or try baseball again.”

Australia’s Olympic team is going to stay in hotels due to reports of poor living conditions in the Athletes’ Village. But honestly they might just be freaked out about the direction the toilet water flushes there.

Australia’s Olympic team is going to stay in hotels due to reports of poor living conditions in the Athletes’ Village. And also to try to avoid lots of Olympic athletes running up to them and saying “Maybe the ZIKA killed your bay-beeeee!”

There was a woman wearing a Princess Leia costume at the DNC. Look at how far we’ve come: A woman Presidential nominee, and a woman cosplayer that isn’t dressed as Slave Leia.

There was a Bernie Sanders supporter wearing a Princess Leia costume at the DNC. TFW you go so hard at Comic Con you roll into work still cosplayin’.

There was a Bernie Sanders supporter wearing a Princess Leia costume at the DNC. I don’t know that it’s such a good idea to imply that Bernie should start using any type of force to take the nomination.

There was a Bernie Sanders supporter wearing a Princess Leia costume at the DNC. Wow, now they’re trying to take the White House by The Force.

The International Olympic Committee is giving athletes 42 condoms each during the games. Because like everything else they do, Olympic athletes cum really fast.

The International Olympic Committee is giving athletes 42 condoms each during the games. If the original Olympians were here they’d probably say something like, “You know in MY day, we didn’t have intercourse, we just birthed children from our heads.”

The Pope told nuns to stop spending so much time on Twitter. You know what, maybe that’s not the only habit they should give up.

The Pope told nuns to stop spending so much time on Twitter. Because the real people who need to be saved are on Snapchat.

The Pope told nuns to stop spending so much time on Twitter. But isn’t being in the church basically just retweeting the word of God?

The Pope told nuns to stop spending so much time on Twitter. But Jesus favs.

An analysis of data from the gay dating app Grindr shows there was a huge increase in activity around Cleveland during the RNC. Everyone was meeting up for “campaign donations.”

An analysis of data from the gay dating app Grindr shows there was a huge increase in activity around Cleveland during the RNC.  Talk about the elephant in the room. And the Bears and the Otters.

India is ending its women’s safety task force despite increasing reports of rape. If only it were so easy to get a rapist to pull out.

India is ending its women’s safety task force despite increasing reports of rape. Well, they’re already succeeding in decreasing the number of rape reports, in the sense that now there’s nowhere to actually file a rape report.

The NFL cleared Peyton Manning on charges that he’d used human growth hormone. It’s ridiculous to assert that Peyton Manning was taking anything to enhance growth. I mean, look at his hairline.

During his DNC speech, Bill Clinton revealed that he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times. Geez, it took less time for him to successfuly ask the country to nominate her for President.

Amazon Prime and Wells Fargo are partnering to offer a discount on student loans. If you pay them off in two days, the interest is free.

John Hinckley Jr., the man who tried to assassinate Reagan, is being released from a psychiatric hospital. A judge ruled he’s no longer a danger to himself or others. And Reagan forgot all about it a long time ago anyway.

Researchers say the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge helped discover a gene that contributes to ALS. Wow, it’s amazing what we can accomplish together when we spend 22 hours a day on Facebook.

 

Kylie Jenner’s Kyshadow palette sold out in less than 60 seconds. That’s still not as fast as that family sold out.

During his DNC speech, President Obama said Hillary Clinton “never, ever quits.” Ok #ImWithHer and that’s a great quality for a politician, but I mean…also a Terminator.

President Obama said he’s more optimistic about the future of America than ever before. He must know something I don’t. A lot of things, actually; he has higher security clearance than I do.

President Obama said the RNC in Cleveland was “not the America I know.” Yeah, a lot of people would say that about Cleveland.

Tim Kaine did a Donald Trump impression during his DNC speech. Kind of a hacky closer.

Tim Kaine did a Donald Trump impression during his DNC speech. And then Hillary came out and yelled “Live from Philadelphia, it’s Saturday night!”

Joe Biden used the term “malarkey” in his DNC speech. Aw, it’s so cute that Parks & Rec let him take a souvenir from the set!

Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s email. He was trying to do it himself, but apparently Hillary’s PW isn’t “TrumpRulz”

Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails. But he’s really just hoping for nudez.

Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails. And then he got so jealous of her having that kind of attention, he asked them to hack his.

Donald Trump asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails. God, that guy’s SUCH an idiot. Everybody knows she already deleted them all. (Then the FBI recovered them & the Attorney General deemed it not worth prosecuting. So you kinda have to be an idiot to enjoy this joke.)

President Obama clarified that he does not snack on exactly seven almonds every night, as a recent New York Times profile claimed. He snacks on eight.

Donald Trump Jr. has accused President Obama of plagiarizing a line from his RNC speech. And I just saw the President plagiarize that Michelle Obama eye-roll meme.

Donald Trump Jr. has accused President Obama of plagiarizing a line from his RNC speech. This is why a Trump Presidency is so dangerous: It’s making me question whether everyone should have free speech.

Melania Trump’s website has been taken down because it was “outdated.” That’s the exact term Donald will use when he’s divorcing her for a younger woman a year from now.

Iranian men are protesting against the government’s restrictive dress code for women by wearing headscarves. This is great, even if “I want to get in your hijab” sounds like a bad pick-up line.

American Sniper fans are mad that Bradley Cooper was at the DNC. I’ll fix it: Did you like Silver Linings Playbook? OK, that’s why he was in Philly.

Sesame Street laid off its 3 original human castmembers. They left the set yelling at their castmates: “You’re still here every day, with HBO’s hand up your ass!”

 

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