This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/18/16

Bernie Sanders supporters are planning a fart-in during the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia this week. Uh, how’s that going to do anything? Philadelphia already smells like farts.

Melania Trump’s RNC speech was heavily plagiarized from Michelle Obama’s convention speech in 2008. But at this point, stealing from the Obamas kind of seems like a positive direction for the Trump campaign.

Peter Thiel, the Silicon Valley billionaire who funded Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker, is endorsing Trump. That makes sense, they both know a lot about bankrupting companies.

Peter Thiel, the Silicon Valley billionaire who funded Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against Gawker, is endorsing Trump. The thing he likes most about Trump is that “it’ll piss off Gawker.”

Russia’s track and field team has been banned from the Rio Olympics due to a doping scandal. But they’ve been carbo-loading in the potato lines for months!

Russia’s track and field team has been banned from the Rio Olympics due to a doping scandal. There were all sorts of clues. Like their track marks.

A federal appeals court ruled that Texas’ voter ID law has discriminatory effects. Everything’s bigger in Texas, even the racism.

UK prime minister Theresa May says official Brexit negotiations won’t start until 2017.  I’ve seen Friends, this “on a break” thing isn’t going to work.

UK prime minister Theresa May says official Brexit negotiations won’t start until 2017.  They should just get it over with now and have one of Europe’s friends come by to pick up its stuff later.

Twitter announced that now anyone can apply for a verified account. Wow, it’s like Twitter doesn’t even mean anything anymore or ever.

Someone put a border wall around Donald Trump’s Hollywood Walk of Fame Star. I didn’t realize there were immigrants who wanted to live there.

Ted Cruz says he won’t be a servile puppy to Trump. He’ll be one of those puppies that eats everything and pees on the rug out of fear.

Experts say human brains can’t handle self-driving cars. Their main evidence: we can barely handle walking and looking at our phones.
A new survey says people who sext are more likely to be in a stable relationship. But not necessarily with each other.
A new survey says people who sext are more likely to be in a stable relationship. Put a ring on that dick pick.
A new survey says people who sext are more likely to be in a stable relationship. And more likely to have things in their phone like “I like it when you put a thumbs-up emoji in my donkey emoji.”
A new study finds that couples who get drunk together stay together. It’s important to mixer it up.
A new study finds that couples who get drunk together stay together. Passing out has a way of doing that.
 Hillary Clinton finally announced her VP pick, sharing the news with supporters via text message late Friday evening. Relationship question: Since Hillary texted way later than she said she would, I should wait, like, 3 days to text back right
And now, some jokes about Kim Kardashian exposing Taylor Swift’s lies about Kanye West via SnapChat (what a world). Watch my opinion on that, “Here’s An Opinion: Kim Exposing Taylor Is More Than Just Good Drama,” here
I wonder if any Taylor Swift exes will be released from their gag orders/cages in her basement to support her.
Taylor Swift right now: blasting “Shake It Off” on repeat and screaming into pillows made of Harry Styles’ hair.
Well Kanye was still wrong about Taylor Swift. Turns out Kim had the best video of all time.
Tom Hiddleston right now is like “well there was nothing in the contract about THIS.”
Tom Hiddleston: Hey hon, anything I can do?
Taylor Swift: PUT THE TANK TOP BACK ON DON’T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN
Kanye just sat down to write Bound 3-37.
Hillary should name Kim Kardashian as her VP because she will unite this country.
Kim Kardashian taping Taylor Swift has brought America so much joy Edward Snowden has to rethink his position on the NSA.
Next Kim is going to prove Taylor DID wear high heels not sneakers and WAS cheer captain not on the bleachers.
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