This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/11/16

More than a dozen women have come forward to accuse Fox News CEO Roger Ailes of sexual harassment. It’s part of a new show, Fox and Non-Consensual Friends.

More than a dozen women have come forward to accuse Fox News CEO Roger Ailes of sexual harassment. Unfortunately, we’ll never know all the facts, because we weren’t there and FOX News was.

More than a dozen women have come forward to accuse Fox News CEO Roger Ailes of sexual harassment. Fox has dismissed the claims outright, because, like every other story, they refuse to fact-check it.

The CDC reports that the number of HPV-related cancer cases in the US is on the rise, with 41% of them in men. Brings whole new meaning to “he can get it.”

Democrats endorsed a “reasoned pathway” to the legalization of marijuana. What, did they come up with that while they were high?

Democrats endorsed a “reasoned pathway” to the legalization of marijuana. Oh yeah, that’s what everyone loves about drugs: the very specific, measured steps to taking them.

Some people are getting hurt playing Pokemon Go. 2016: survival of the Fitbit-est.

Some people are getting hurt playing Pokemon Go. Especially me. Emotionally. Everyone is playing it and no one will talk to me anymore.

The MTA issued a warning about playing Pokemon Go too close to the subway tracks. If you see Squirtl, say something.

A new court ruling suggests that people who share Netflix passwords could be breaking Federal laws. Because they’re trafficking in drug trafficking documentaries.

A new court ruling suggests that people who share Netflix passwords could be breaking Federal laws. It’s never good when Netflix ‘n’ Chill ends in a bail.

The New York Times reports that female doctors are still often earning less than their male counterparts. And it’s not because they’re having babies, because being an OB-GYN is very lucrative.

The New York Times reports that female doctors are still often earning less than their male counterparts. Women have got to stop saying no to scrubs.

The New York Times reports that female doctors are still often earning less than their male counterparts. Does it hurt when I point that out…here?

U.S. Starbucks employees can expect a raise this October. If the company can get their names right on their checks.

U.S. Starbucks employees can expect a raise this October. Maybe now they’ll be able to afford a cup of coffee there!

Theresa May will be the U.K.’s second female prime minister. It’s so inspiring to see that a woman can do any job a man decides he no longer wants!

Theresa May will be the U.K.’s second female prime minister. You have to say it that way, because women always go to the bathroom and their legacies together.

Disney will be introducing its first Latina princess in an animated series later this month. I guess that means it’s also the first Disney appearance of the Latin Kings.

Lance Bass will host a gay take on the Bachelor this fall for Logo. What’s next, a Bachelor for dogs?? Oh that’d be so cool.

The U.S. Capitol was placed on lockdown for reports of someone carrying a firearm twice in less than a week. After it was over, police directed everyone to “return to normal operations.” You know, acting like guns aren’t dangerous.

The British House of Commons will debate a do-over Brexit vote in September. Parliamentary politics is mostly about how you handle the oopsies.

David Cameron moved out of 10 Downing Street, the UK Prime Minister’s residence. Can you imagine if you moved into an apartment and the previous tenant left behind a bunch of their stuff and by stuff I mean an international political crisis?

The movie Legally Blonde turns 15 this week, which means it’s not actually legal yet.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton and Bernie Bros started freaking out on social media. Maybe they’re trying to do their part by negging Hillary Clinton into being President.

People are complaining about the new Ghostbusters movie. You know I rewatched the original movie the other night, and it turns out they’re right, there AREN’T any women ghostbusters in the first one.

Sexist Ghostbusters fans are still claiming the all-female reboot is “ruining their childhoods.” I guess they’re right, ghostbusting is kind of a man’s specialty. Oh, sorry–I meant ghosting. WHY DIDN’T HE CALL?

Sexist Ghostbusters fans are still claiming the all-female reboot is “ruining their childhoods.” Dudes, the only way your childhood self would be disappointed by the new Ghostbusters is if you invited him over to watch it in your basement apartment that smells like jizz and loneliness.

Sexist Ghostbusters fans are still claiming the all-female reboot is “ruining their childhoods.” Clearly your childhoods were already ruined way before this movie, or you wouldn’t be like this.

Donald Trump wants his VP to be a “fighter skilled in hand-to-hand combat.” Wait Trump’s trying to take his VP’s guns away?!?!

A new discovery implied the T. Rex’s stubby arms weren’t entirely useless. But that didn’t stop the other dinosaurs from body-shaming it.

A new discovery implied the T. Rex’s stubby arms weren’t entirely useless. Because they could hold a selfie stick.

NASA’s Juno Spacecraft sent its first in-orbit picture of Jupiter. Wait, that’s why they’re there? I thought boys went to Jupiter to get more stupider.

NASA’s Juno Spacecraft sent its first in-orbit picture of Jupiter and some people are criticizing the quality. Geez it’s like they think Jupiter revolves around them.

Taylor Swift revealed she wrote the lyrics for Calvin Harris’ new collaboration with Rihanna, “This Is What You Came For,” under the pseudonym Nils Sjoberg. Other things she did as Nils Sjoberg include: half of her relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal; wore high heels while “Taylor Swift” wore sneakers; was cheer captain while “Taylor Swift” was on the bleachers.

Facebook released their annual diversity numbers, and there hasn’t been much growth. The only diversity that’s increased at Facebook is in the range of emotions I can use to react to that news on Facebook.

Donald Trump is postponing the announcement of his VP selection in light of the attack in France. Even in trying not to make it about him he kind of made it about him.

Donald Trump is postponing the announcement of his VP selection in light of the attack in France. And also because he hasn’t actually figured it out yet. The guy doesn’t really do “thinking ahead.”

Tim Tebow says he won’t be speaking at the GOP Convention, but his thoughts and prayers are with it.

Eric Garner’s daughter claims she was invited to the President’s ABC town hall but then barred from asking any questions. Geez, does anyone know the right way to respond when a black person puts their hands up?

NBA player Jeff Teague is moving back in with his parents after being traded to his hometown team. He’s also thinking about just playing against the hoop hanging over the garage this year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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