This Week’s Jokes: Week of 7/4/16

Hillary Clinton was interviewed by the FBI over 4th of July weekend. It’s so sexist that we make the first woman Presidential nominee go through a formal Female Bikini Inspection.

President Obama casually mentioned that First Daughter Sasha has a Twitter account. And right now that account is probably subtweeting the f out of her dad for outing her.

CBS broadcast old fireworks footage on the 4th of July. What’s the big deal, they also have old broadcasters every year.

CBS broadcast old fireworks footage on the 4th of July. Or DID they? Can fireworks melt steel beams?

President Obama and Joe Biden announced they’ll refuse to visit college campuses that don’t take sexual assault seriously. But also not campuses that take it too seriously, because c’mon man college is supposed to be the best time of your life.

The UN adopted a resolution against female genital mutilation. That includes waxing, right?

The bikini had its 70th birthday. Um, isn’t that a little OLD for a bikini?

The bikini had its 70th birthday. Although now it’s aged gracefully into a modest one-piece.

The CEO of cheating website Ashley Madison feels that the brand could stand to be “repositioned.” Isn’t a lack of creative positioning in the bedroom what gets most people on that website in the first place?

The band Mumford and Sons boycotted a Swedish festival where 17 women were reportedly sexually assaulted. Great, now I have to like Mumford and Sons.

The band Mumford and Sons boycotted a Swedish festival where 17 women were reportedly sexually assaulted. They didn’t want to assault their ears, too.

Apple will give iPhone users the ability to join the national organ donor registry through its Health App. Swipe left for a kidney, right for a liver.

Apple will give iPhone users the ability to join the national organ donor registry through its Health App. I guess you just have to hope your iPhone doesn’t die before you do.

Apple will give iPhone users the ability to join the national organ donor registry through its Health App. I don’t trust my iPhone not to let the battery die, I’m not giving it my organs.

Patrick Stewart released a country album. Or maybe that was just an alternate universe plot on Star Trek.

Someone created a dress made out of donated pubic hair. I won’t wear fur, but I’ll wear bush.

Someone created a dress made out of donated pubic hair. And then waxed it into a cute heart shape.

A U.K. report found that the 2003 war in Iraq was “unnecessary.” Oh, you mean just like that report?

Gretchen Carlson is suing the CEO of FOX News for sexual harassment, which he denies. Unfortunately, we’ll never know all the facts, because at FOX News there are none.

The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service, a group that tracks the world’s time, announced that 2016 is getting an extra second. Wait, it’s gone.

The International Earth Rotation and Reference Systems Service, a group that tracks the world’s time, announced that 2016 is getting an extra second. But I’ll need a minute to verify that.

The UK picked two female candidates to compete in a September vote for who will replace Prime Minister David Cameron. Two birds, one guy with stones for brains.

 

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