This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/27/16

The Pentagon is set to end the ban on transgender people serving openly in the military. That’s a lot of transition.

Pope Francis said that gays, the poor, women, and others the church has marginalized deserve an apology. But just one. They’ll have to share it.

Research shows Donald Trump would add more to U.S. debt than Hillary Clinton. But he has plenty of experience with how to fix that: declare bankruptcy.

Diet Pepsi is bringing back aspartame. The Diet Pepsi Challenge is seeing if you can avoid getting rat cancer.

Secretary of State John Kerry raised the issue of harassment of US diplomats in Moscow with President Putin. It’s a War of Passive of Aggression.

Michelle Obama and her daughters visited Morocco to promote education for girls. Kind of hypocritical, since they’re there on summer vacation.

Ludacris will be performing for troops at Guantanamo Bay naval base. “L-l-lick you from your head to your toe” is its own unique form of torture.

IKEA has recalled 29 million dressers and chests. But only about 28 million will actually be disassembled and returned, because it’s bad enough putting IKEA furniture *together.*

IKEA has recalled 29 million dressers and chests. Their customers weren’t screwed, they were Allen wrenched.

Congress only has two weeks left to reach a new deal on fighting Zika before its recess. Ah, recess: Something kids who get Zika will never experience.

Chipotle is planning to launch a summer rewards program. Nothing says “bikini body” like “burrito bloat.”

A man married his smartphone in Las Vegas. Marriage is hard work, and a LOT of data.

A man married his smartphone in Las Vegas. I give it two years. (Give or take. Whenever his contract is up.)

A man married his smartphone in Las Vegas. But that relationship’s all about the phone sex.

California is going to vote on whether to legalize recreational marijuana in November. Sorry, I mean California is going to “vote” on whether to legalize recreational marijuana in November.

Facebook’s new algorithm will show more posts from family and friends instead of publishers. Oh, so THAT’S why CNN is posting all those baby pictures with links to ISIS articles.

Facebook’s new algorithm will show more posts from family and friends instead of publishers. Proving once and for all your engagement is NOT NEWS.

The Devil Wears Prada came out 10 years ago this week. And just like the rest of the fashion industry, it doesn’t look like it’s aged a day.

The FDA advised that people shouldn’t be eating raw cookie dough. Well then I guess I’m going to have to get this antidepressant prescription filled after all.

Miss America will have an openly gay contestant this year. If she wins, it will be a victory for LGBT equality and yet another year of loss for female equality.

Body parts washed up near the site of the Olympic beach volleyball site in Rio. Well, at least now all the Zika doesn’t sound so bad.

Body parts washed up near the site of the Olympic beach volleyball site in Rio. The competition is literally cut-throat this year.

The Pentagon announced that Transgender people will now be allowed to openly serve in the military. It’s great to see that the country will support LGBTQ-PSD.

A judge in Maryland granted a new trial for Adnan Syed, the subject of Serial. Justice for things that go viral! I mean Adnan!

Chris Christie is reportedly one of the leading contenders to be Donald Trump’s running mate in the 2016 election. This is too easy, but…”running” mate?

Chris Christie is reportedly one of the leading contenders to be Donald Trump’s running mate in the 2016 election. Mostly because Trump is tired of his late-night drunk-texting “Baby we were born to runnnn”

Apple is reportedly in talks to buy Tidal. It’s the one ex relationship where Taylor Swift’s shit-talking hasn’t helped record sales.

Cinemark is countersuing families of the 2012 Aurora shooting victims for $700K to recoup their legal fees. They could probably make back the money if they just make them go to the movies and buy one snack.

A new study shows the Boston subway system is covered in microbes. That’s what science calls Red Sox fans lololololololol

The FBI has instituted special rules for monitoring journalists. Rule #1: You’re not allowed to drink with them.

Serena Williams slammed her racket repeatedly during a match. What’s the big deal? Aren’t people used to seeing Grand Slams from her by now?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements