Paul Ryan says he understands if not all Republicans want to get behind the party’s “unique nominee.” I assume anyone actually getting behind him is crouching down and motioning for someone else to shove him over.

Donald Trump said the U.S. should consider the use of racial profiling in the wake of the Orlando shooting. I agree, the most likely mass shooters should definitely be profiled: Angry white men. Like Trump.

Rome elected the city’s first female mayor. Well, gender equality wasn’t built in a day.

Donald Trump fired his campaign manager. But at this point “fired by Donald Trump” looks GREAT on a resume.

Google will soon tell you what your medical symptoms mean. I find it already does, and the answer is always “cancer.”

Google will soon tell you what your medical symptoms mean. I’m not sure my insurance covers “Just Googling it.”

A British man was arrested after allegedly planning to shoot Donald Trump. The British are coming! To save us!

Donald Trump has less than $1.3 million in his campaign bank account, versus Hilary Clinton’s more than $42 million. It’s the one time in his life Trump can claim to come from humble beginnings.

Donald Trump has less than $1.3 million in his campaign bank account, versus Hilary Clinton’s more than $42 million. That’s rich.

Donald Trump has less than $1.3 million in his campaign bank account, versus Hilary Clinton’s more than $42 million. Maybe he should build a wall around his money to protect what he has left.

Fresh Express recalled its packaged salad for the third time this year. They should just rename the brand Salmonella 2 Go.

A jaguar used in an Olympic torch relay was shot dead. Or “Tonya Hardinged” because it looked like it was going to win.

Kim Kardashian condemned the Senate over not passing any gun control measures. It’s all on the latest episode of her new show, Keeping up with the Kongressmen.

House Democrats staged a sit-in to demand a vote on gun control measures. Wow, I guess those Kim Kardashian tweets really did something.

Donald Trump asked Bernie Sanders supporters to back his campaign. I guess his point is that he doesn’t represent big business, he represents bad business.

Donald Trump asked Bernie Sanders supporters to back his campaign. That’s crazier than either of those candidates’ hair.

New York City will provide free tampons and pads in public schools. No word on free sweatshirts to tie around your waist.

New York City will provide free tampons and pads in public schools. It’s part of a “for your period, every period” campaign.

New York City will provide free tampons and pads in public schools. And free jizz rags for the boys, so it’s even.

Britain voted to leave the European Union. And now it gets its groove back.

Britain voted to leave the European Union. The EU bails out other countries; Britain just bails.

Bernie Sanders admitted that he probably won’t be the Democrats’ pick for the November ballot, but he’s still not conceding. Typical man, refusing to ask for directions back to Vermont.

After the Brexit vote, top Google searches in the UK included “What is the EU?” They could’ve just checked my Facebook feed.

Bernie Sanders said that he’ll vote for Hillary Clinton in the November election. WELL IF HE WERE SERIOUS ABOUT DEMOCRATIC PARTY REFORM HE WOULDN’T JUST COWTOW TO THEM.

Stonewall Inn became the first national monument to commemorate LGBTQ rights. And also the first national monument where it’s totally fine to be drunk.

Uber is testing a new version of its app that could make it harder to spot surge pricing. I already have that app, it’s called “vodka.”

A hotel in Monte-Carlo is offering underwater wedding packages. Your vows can be “I do” or “I feel like I’m drowning in this relationship.”