Drug-resistant bacteria was found in Rio Olympics swimming venues. Well, if it’s not taking drugs, I guess the bacteria is clear to compete.

The firearms used in the Orlando shooting were legally obtained by the shooter within the last week. Oh, so we have gun control, it just sucks.

A new government report says the Food & Drug Administration often moves too slowly on food recalls. Maybe because they’re busy “recalling” drugs.

A new government report says the FDA often moves too slowly on food recalls. Kind of the government pot calling the administration kettle black.

A new government report says the FDA often moves too slowly on food recalls. The report would have come sooner, but the government often moves too slowly on evaluative reporting.

A new government report says the FDA often moves too slowly on food recalls. If they want faster movements, maybe they should recall more fiber.

CDC researchers found a major drop in U.S. teenagers having sex, but they don’t know why. In other words, the CDC doesn’t know how sex works.

CDC researchers found a major drop in U.S. teenagers having sex, but they don’t know why. It’s because those damn kids are on their damn phones all the time.

Denver Broncos defensive lineman Wade Phillips tweeted that his Super Bowl ring had the wrong name on it. And the wrong team, depending on who you ask.

Denver Broncos defensive lineman Wade Phillips tweeted that his Super Bowl ring had the wrong name on it. Well, at least he’ll have his Super Bowl memories. Oh, wait, concussions–so probably not.

Microsoft will acquire LinkedIn in a deal valued at $26.2 billion, plus any last shred of coolness Microsoft had left.

Microsoft will acquire LinkedIn in a deal valued at $26.2 billion. You just endorsed your LinkedIn Connection Microsoft for “Bad Decisions.”

The Olsen twins turned 30. Weird that there wasn’t a countdown to that like when they turned 18.

The Olsen twins turned 30, proving you can never outgrow being referred to as “The Olsen twins.”

A federal court ruled that Internet is a basic utility. Mostly because “our roommates don’t pay that on time, either.”

Russian hackers accessed the Democratic National Committee’s network and stole research on Donald Trump. It could be worse–they could have found Donald Trump nudes.

Russian hackers accessed the Democratic National Committee’s network and stole research on Donald Trump. “Research” meaning lots of DNC drawings of Trump with dicks on his face.

Apple will allow iPhone users to remove previously undeletable apps. But in return, users have to put that U2 album back on their phones.

Beyoncé has raised over $82K for the Flint water crisis through Formation Tour donations. And thanks to ridiculously overpriced bottled water at her concerts.

Whole Foods got a warning letter from the FDA about “serious violations.” Mostly women going around the store trying to wear yoga pants as actual pants.

The Senate voted to require women to register for the draft. Wow, a Republican-controlled Congress will really do ANYTHING to get more people guns.

Anne Hathaway has been named a Goodwill Ambassador by the United Nations. If there’s one thing the entire world can unite behind, it’s being annoyed by Anne Hathaway.

A helicopter crash in Cape Cod injured two people. Mostly their pride, because they were caught summering in Cape Cod like peasants instead of the Hamptons.

The Canadian government changed the lyrics of its national anthem to have gender-neutral terms. Because nobody in Canada has any balls.

Steph Curry was ejected from a game for throwing his mouth guard into the stands. Some are calling it an overreaction, but people who were really watching closely are calling it an overbite.

Justin Bieber fell through a hole in the stage at his concert. It should’ve had a “Caution: Men Emoting” sign.

Justin Bieber fell through a hole in the stage at his concert. It was an intervention from his entourage–they’re trying to get him to hit rock bottom.