This Week’s Jokes: Week of 6/6/16

An analysis of Donald Trump’s campaign payroll found that female staffers earn a third less than male staffers. Trump responded, “Look, the fact that I even allow women to work for me at all is a friggin’ miracle.”

Hillary Clinton won the Virgin Islands Democratic caucus and the Puerto Rico Democratic primary. Ooh, maybe next she’ll take the lost city of Atlantis.

A new report suggests Zika virus may also be transmitted through oral sex. Mosquitoes or men, just avoid all sucking.

Psychologists have found that women are more interested in sex than their male partners believe. To clarify: We’re more interested in orgasms.

Hillary Clinton became the first woman to secure the presumptive nomination for a major political party in America. Ugh you know those superdelegates are only voting for her because they’re on their period.

Donald Trump’s campaign has started making him use a teleprompter. Unfortunately, he knows how to read between the lines.

Donald Trump’s campaign has suggested he start using a teleprompter. Proving his campaign really is just like reality TV: scripted.

The “Chewbacca Mask Mom” made $420,000 from her viral video. That number is surprising in some ways and predictable in others.

The “Chewbacca Mask Mom” made $420,000 from her viral video. Just wait ’til they go back and digitally add her to the original movies.

Axl Rose asked Google to remove unflattering photos of him that have been used for memes. He also asked them to turn off the function that causes a search for “Axl Rose” to autocomplete as “Axl Rose fat/dead?”

Maria Sharapova has been banned from tennis for two years after testing positive for drug use. Performance enhancers, not anything like cocaine, which in tennis is just known as a line fault.

Maria Sharapova has been banned from tennis for two years after testing positive for drug use. That’s really unfair. Obviously they didn’t enhance her performance that much.

California’s US Senate race will be historic, as two women of color and daughters of immigrants face off. It’s the one time where it’s not progressive to be mad that every politician is the same.

Two of Bernie Sanders’ top congressional supporters urged him to leave the race in light of Hillary Clinton’s win. It’s less of a bern now and more of an itch.

According to a new study, white male doctors earn more than Black and female doctors. It’s a groundbreaking study, because they didn’t have to do any actual research.

You now have to be 21 to buy cigarettes in California. Luckily kids in California are inherently already cool.

You now have to be 21 to buy cigarettes in California, which means California just gave teenagers double the incentive to get a fake ID.

In the new Periodic Table, some new elements have been named for Japan, Moscow and Tennessee. Ah, yes, three global super powers.

John Kasich signed a bill legalizing medical marijuana in Ohio. He then declared, “unleash the puns!”

The Journal of the American Medical Association reports 40% of American women are obese. After they asked 40% of American women if they were pregnant and they said no.

New research asserts that slowly tensing and releasing muscles could be the key to stress relief. Oh, like your hand muscles around somebody’s throat.

New research asserts that slowly tensing and releasing muscles could be the key to stress relief. So the next time someone asks “what’s up your butt?”, unclench your asshole and find out.

Gawker Media has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, proving the company’s financial accounts are as empty as its reporting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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