This Week’s Jokes: Week of 5/23/16

A Bay Area-based distillery has created a vodka made partly from San Francisco fog. Fog vodka: Get as smashed as a ship coming into shore without a lighthouse.

A Bay Area-based distillery has created a vodka made partly from San Francisco fog. I can see through the fog and it’s a stupid gimmick.

A Bay Area-based distillery has created a vodka made partly from San Francisco fog. And a Chinese distillery has created a vodka made partly from Beijing smog. Oh sorry not vodka. Poison.

Two horses died in races leading up to the Preakness, one of the Triple Crown races. The causes of death were reportedly heart attack and euthanasia following a shin injury, but I think we can’t rule out a Tanya Harding kind of situation.

A Dutch man who reached the Mount Everest summit on his fifth try died on his way down. Dang. He peaked too early.

The NRA endorsed Donald Trump. That’s not surprising; they both shoot from the hip.

The NRA endorsed Donald Trump. Donald Trump and gun lovers: Both just as likely to shoot their mouths off.

The CDC says 157 pregnant women in the US have tested positive for the Zika virus. So some of those women are now having two pregnancy scares in one.

A 7-year-old boy saved his dad from a house fire in California. But he just really wanted to see a firetruck.

Russia has been ranked the least welcoming country for refugees. They keep insisting that in Russia, refugees welcome YOU.

Helen Hunt was confused for Jodie Foster at a Starbucks. And everywhere else.

The TSA replaced its head of security. The official notice from HR was “sir, could you step out of line?”

According to a new survey, 32.1% of millennials are living with their parents. The main benefits are saving money, paying back student loans, and not being asked why they aren’t married.

Bill Cosby is going to trial for sexual assault. He was so obsessed with young men pulling their pants up, when it should’ve been him all along.

Donald Trump won the Washington state GOP primary. His victory speech: “Ha! I didn’t even know there was another Washington!”

A study found that Telsa and Jaguar have the highest rate of software defects in the auto industry. But you know  they’re still superior vehicles, because their defects are also the most expensive to fix.

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton declared May 23 Beyoncé Day in his state. Uhhh Beyoncé isn’t just a day, it’s a lifestyle.

Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton declared May 23 Beyoncé Day in his state. But it was just a bunch of sales and BBQs. People have forgotten the true meaning of Beyoncé Day.

Paul Ryan is reportedly about to endorse Donald Trump. A Trump spokesperson said:  “It means more now that we had to drag it out of him.”

A Colorado farmer is offering a $1,000 reward for the safe return of missing baby goats. In a statement, he said “It really gets my goat that somebody got my goat and I want someone to get my goat back.”

A video of a laughing, stay-at-home mom wearing a Chewbacca mask is going viral. Han shot that video first.

Customers are accusing Kay Jewelers of swapping diamonds in its rings for lesser-value stones. Kay Jewelers responded: “Relax, they’re legit. Someone still died in Africa for these.”

The Scripps National Spelling Bee named two co-champions this year. Neither winner was prepared to spell S-H-A-R-E.

The Scripps National Spelling Bee named two co-champions this year. Share it? Now all the kids at their school are going to think they’re losers! Wait, no, they probably already did.

 

 

 

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