This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/25/16

Danish researchers publicly released data from nearly 70,000 OKCupid users, without their consent. Now the whole world is going to know how much I like “good friends, good times and good drinks”!

Mark Zuckerberg launched an investigation to see if Facebook trending topics are biased. He told employees, “We’re doing this. Whether you like it or love it or wow it or angry face it or sad face it or not.”

A new study shows that people spend more time watching Netflix than reading, socializing and exercising combined. That’s why it’s so important to always Netflix AND chill.

A new study shows that people spend more time watching Netflix than reading, socializing and exercising combined. Another way to say that: People spend more time watching Netflix than doing anything else that suuuuuccckks.

Google is paying people $20 to test their new self-driving cars. Hmm I don’t know if it’s worth it, I get paid way more doing nothing at my current job.

Mass General performed the world’s first penis transplant, which took 15 hours and a team of over 50 people to perform. And then another 15 hours, because the patient decided he wanted it circumcised.

Mass General performed the world’s first penis transplant, which took 15 hours and a team of over 50 people to perform. Critics thought they didn’t have the balls to do it. But then they found them.

Mass General performed the world’s first penis transplant, which took 15 hours and a team of over 50 people to perform. That makes it sound like it was hard, but it isn’t. It’s still healing.

Mass General performed the world’s first penis transplant, which involved putting a deceased donor’s penis onto a 64-year-old man who’d had his removed due to a rare cancer. Check this box on your driver’s license if you’d like to donate this diiiiicckkkkkk

The International Olympic Committee is retesting athletes’ old pee samples. Luckily, jumping through hoops is an excellent way to train for the Olympics.

The International Olympic Committee is retesting athletes’ old pee samples. In other words, they’re going for the gold…again.

The Senate passed a bill that would let victims of 9/11 sue Saudi Arabia for its alleged role in the attacks. I can’t think of anything more American than suing for revenge.

Google asked users to submit N-words to help name its latest version of Android. That is the most misguided diversity hiring initiative I’ve ever heard of.

Donald Trump announced his wish list of nominees to fill the empty seat on the Supreme Court if he becomes President. They include Judges Judy and Dredd.

Donald Trump announced his wish list of nominees to fill the empty seat on the Supreme Court if he becomes President. He should put himself on, he’s good at judging other people.

HBO is submitting Beyonce’s Lemonade for Emmy consideration. Also being submitted: some old news footage of TLC’s Lefteye burning that dude’s house down.

New research suggests that the human brain is a living word cloud. And the human heart is a poster of a lake with an inspirational quote written across it.

The luxury vacuum company Dyson is now selling a $400 hair dryer. It’s part of the new Dyson: Suck & Blow series.

Bernie Sanders is laying off hundreds of campaign workers, which means they’ll have to go back to doing what they did before the campaign: not having a job.

Facebook released its quarterly earnings, which show that revenue is up 50%. Wow, those spambots must’ve sold a LOT of sunglasses.

Ted Cruz announced that Carly Fiorina will be his running mate in the 2016 election. Which is like asking a girl to prom when the school board’s already told you your grades aren’t good enough to go.

The House unanimously passed an Email Privacy Act requiring warrants for obtaining emails. Mainly they’re hoping this will cut down on the number of Congressmen getting made fun of for still having Yahoo email addresses.

Priceline’s CEO resigned after an investigation found he had an affair with an employee. Look, a relationship with an employee was the only way to be sure he had the cheapest date.

According to the CDC, the teen pregnancy rate in the U.S. has fallen to an all-time low. In an official statement, a CDC official said, “Yeah dunno what to tell you, teens just aren’t as fuckable these days.”

Former House Speaker John Boehner called Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” But that implies that Ted Cruz has power.

Former House Speaker John Boehner called Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” What he means is he’s hot, hot, hot!!

Former House Speaker John Boehner called Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” I dunno, he seems more “Lucifer in a human sack of pudding.”

People are outraged that Will Ferrell will play a dementia-stricken Ronald Reagan in a movie. I mean yeah, geez, if Reagan were alive to see this…well, he’d probably just be confused by it.

Tinder Social is a new version of the app that matches users with groups of friends. Oh, so, orgies.

The IRS is reporting that over $458 billion in taxes go unpaid every year. Whoaaa all these people who are too broke to pay taxes are SUPER rich together.

The IRS is reporting that over $458 billion in taxes go unpaid every year. Probably because they release that figure every year and even more people go “Oh, so I can just not pay them.”

Police in Wichita are searching for a man who stole the Blue Man Group’s costumes. Basically, he stole the show.

 

 

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