This Week’s Jokes: Week of 5/9/16

A Russian company has released an ice cream bar called “Little Obama,” which features an image of a smiling African American child on the wrapper. The most insulting part is that it’s a chocolate bar with vanilla ice cream on the inside.

A Russian company has released an ice cream bar called “Little Obama,” which features an image of a smiling African American child on the wrapper. At least our President got to be ice cream–“Little Putin” is a pile of 36-hour-old hashbrowns at Denny’s.

Uber and Lyft might be leaving Austin, TX after the city voted against letting the companies do their own background checks on drivers. Passengers in the city will be OK if they remember the Alamo [Rent-A-Car].

Uber and Lyft might be leaving Austin, TX after the city voted against letting the companies do their own background checks on drivers. In my experience, most drivers have no problem telling you all about themselves.

A Pennsylvania high school student was barred from entering her prom because she was wearing a tux. Does the school admin know that all the other girls also weren’t wearing dresses by the end of prom night?

A Pennsylvania student was barred from entering her prom because she was wearing a tux. A woman wearing a suit is about to be elected President, I think we can let one dance in a poorly lit high school gym.

May 9 is National Lost Sock Memorial Day. Observers can honor the day by pinning a dryer sheet to their lapel.

A group of anonymous former Facebook contractors came out and said they were routinely told to suppress conservative news while they worked at the company. Then how do you explain all those pictures of babies? “Happy family unit” certainly seems like part of a conservative agenda.

The Solomon Islands recently disappeared due to rising sea levels said to be caused by climate change. Sounds like a branding problem–rename them Atlantis, and start charging tourists thousands of dollars to go.

The American Bison is our country’s new National Mammal. Good. I mean, we’ve seen what’s happened in the last 240 years having human mammals represent this country.

A gaming magazine reports that the future of sex robots is coming. They need to fact-check that report, though, because it’s actually cumming.

A gaming magazine reports that the future of sex robots is coming. Their robot dicks getting hard will be known as “the rise of the machines.”

Donald Trump said London Mayor Sadiq Khan could be an “exception” to his Muslim ban. OK this time he’s gone too far. Letting in a Red Coat??

Budweiser is renaming its beer “America” through the presidential election. In that case, America never has been great, and never will be.

Budweiser is renaming its beer “America” through the presidential election. It’s going to be confusing when you hand somebody a beer and say “This America’s for you, bud.”

The FDA is going to take a new look at how it defines “healthy” foods. I think the standard definition should be “if you eat it while wearing yoga pants.”

Queen Elizabeth II was caught on camera describing Chinese officials as “rude.” Well I’ve met her guards and they wouldn’t even LOOK at me.

NASA discovered 1,284 new planets, including nine that are “potentially habitable.” NASA describes new planets the same way brokers talk about affordable NYC apartments.

Joe Biden said “I think I would have been the best President.” That’s like those people who say that abstract art isn’t art because “I could do that.” BUT YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY!

Blake Lively defended Woody Allen at Cannes, calling him “empowering to women.” Putting one woman in men’s pants and a tie in a movie back in the ’70s doesn’t make you a feminist.

Blake Lively defended Woody Allen at Cannes, calling him “empowering to women.” Yeah but Blake Lively also thinks Blake Lively is “a good actress.”

 

 

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