We finally know the real identity of bitcoin inventor “Satoshi Nakamoto.” I always figured it’d just be a white guy, but I was also still hoping it’d be the cartoon ninja duck that name sounds like.

 

The U.S. has a stockpile of 1.2 billion pounds of unsold cheese. And nobody’s taking it seriously because the USDA just keeps shouting “we’ve got to cut the cheese!”

Fans are lobbying Disney to create the first lesbian princess in the upcoming Frozen sequel. But Disney says it doesn’t make sense because little girls are only interested in playing “lesbian” during a year in college.

Sales of white Vans are increasing thanks to the viral “Damn, Daniel” video. And sales of white vans, among creepy adult fans.

Radiohead deleted themselves from the Internet: Their website and Twitter account are now blank. Bold statement, or result of Thom Yorke hitting the wrong key and frustratedly shouting “OK, Computer!” at his laptop?

The CIA director says that 28 pages from the 9/11 Commission report include incorrect information. Like: “it happened.”

President Obama drank the water in Flint, Michigan to prove to residents that it’s safe it it’s filtered. I guess that’s good for Flint, but I would have loved a presidential spit-take.

President Obama drank the water in Flint, Michigan to prove to residents that it’s safe it it’s filtered. If they clean their Britas as frequently as I do…trust me, it’s not.

Janet Jackson is pregnant. Mom Jackson if you’re nasty.

Janet Jackson is pregnant. When she starts breastfeeding, every day will be like a Super Bowl halftime show!

KFC has a new nail polish that tastes like fried chicken. Even when it tries, it stays tacky.

The FDA came out with new rules that will regulate e-cigarettes. The most dangerous thing about e-cigarettes is how bad they are for your personality.

NYC’s Commission on Human Rights clarified that banning pregnant women from bars is discrimination. Well, it’s annoying that they share all their drinks between two people.

NYC’s Commission on Human Rights clarified that banning pregnant women from bars is discrimination. Especially since that woman you’re banning right now isn’t pregnant, you asshole.