This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/25/16

Ted Cruz and John Kasich are working together to divide their campaign efforts in upcoming states in order to deny Donald Trump the Republican presidential nomination. But what’s worse, a Trump presidency, or a Cruz-Kasich Voltron?

One of the Koch brothers said he thinks Hillary Clinton could be a better President than some of the GOP options. That’s actually a brilliant GOP strategy: I like Hillary, but I never thought I’d see myself voting for someone with a Koch brothers endorsement.

Everyone’s going on about how Beyonce forgave Jay Z for cheating by the end of her new concept video album Lemonade. But the truest sign of forgiveness was going through with dropping the album exclusively on Tidal.

A new brand of gin distilled with pure collagen claims to stop your skin from aging. Enough gin will definitely make it hard to see wrinkles clearly.

A new study says anorexia could be caused by bacterial infections that trigger feelings of self-disgust. Are the bacteria named “Mom”?

Conservationists warn that Grauer’s gorillas, the world’s largest primate, are being wiped out by war. Well in the past when the world’s largest primate has been threatened, it just sucked it up, climbed the Empire State Building with a lady and defended itself.

Piers Morgan wrote an op-ed about Beyoncé in which he calls her a “born-again Black woman.” If he wanted people to take that thing remotely seriously, he should’ve released it exclusively through Tidal.

Piers Morgan wrote an op-ed about Beyoncé in which he calls her a “born-again Black woman.” Piers Morgan has such a huge problem with Beyoncé I’m starting to think he was the one Jay Z cheated with.

Starbucks just launched 28 of its own emoji. Mostly because it’s easier for their employees to deal in pictograms than in writing.

Starbucks just launched 28 of its own emoji. What’s more “basic white girl,” a pumpkin spice latte, or an emoji of one?

A top canine scientist says that hugging dogs raises their stress and anxiety levels. Yeah well my dog also thinks that his own poop is food, so what the fuck do they know about what’s good for them.

A top canine scientist says that hugging dogs raises their stress and anxiety levels. OK, well what about the “whosagoodboy? Whosagoodboy??” snugglie-wugglies?

Apple announced a 13% drop in first-quarter sales, its first revenue decline in 13 years. Accordingly, they’re updating the logo to an apple with a 13% larger bite taken out of it.

Apple announced a 13% drop in first-quarter sales, its first revenue decline in 13 years. It’s like the financial equivalent of a shattered iPhone screen.

Apple announced a 13% drop in first-quarter sales, its first revenue decline in 13 years. If you ask Siri about sales projections for next quarter she tells you to “shut the fuck up right now.”

HBO is submitting Beyonce’s Lemonade for Emmy consideration. Also being submitted: some old news footage of TLC’s Lefteye burning that dude’s house down.

New research suggests that the human brain is a living word cloud. And the human heart is a poster of a lake with an inspirational quote written across it.

The luxury vacuum company Dyson is now selling a $400 hair dryer. It’s part of the new Dyson: Suck & Blow series.

Bernie Sanders is laying off hundreds of campaign workers, which means they’ll have to go back to doing what they did before the campaign: not having a job.

Facebook released its quarterly earnings, which show that revenue is up 50%. Wow, those spambots must’ve sold a LOT of sunglasses.

Ted Cruz announced that Carly Fiorina will be his running mate in the 2016 election. Which is like asking a girl to prom when the school board’s already told you your grades aren’t good enough to go.

The House unanimously passed an Email Privacy Act requiring warrants for obtaining emails. Mainly they’re hoping this will cut down on the number of Congressmen getting made fun of for still having Yahoo email addresses.

Priceline’s CEO resigned after an investigation found he had an affair with an employee. Look, a relationship with an employee was the only way to be sure he had the cheapest date.

According to the CDC, the teen pregnancy rate in the U.S. has fallen to an all-time low. In an official statement, a CDC official said, “Yeah dunno what to tell you, teens just aren’t as fuckable these days.”

Former House Speaker John Boehner called Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” But that implies that Ted Cruz has power.

Former House Speaker John Boehner called Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” What he means is he’s hot, hot, hot!!

Former House Speaker John Boehner called Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” I dunno, he seems more “Lucifer in a human sack of pudding.”

People are outraged that Will Ferrell will play a dementia-stricken Ronald Reagan in a movie. I mean yeah, geez, if Reagan were alive to see this…well, he’d probably just be confused by it.

Tinder Social is a new version of the app that matches users with groups of friends. Oh, so, orgies.

The IRS is reporting that over $458 billion in taxes go unpaid every year. Whoaaa all these people who are too broke to pay taxes are SUPER rich together.

The IRS is reporting that over $458 billion in taxes go unpaid every year. Probably because they release that figure every year and even more people go “Oh, so I can just not pay them.”

Police in Wichita are searching for a man who stole the Blue Man Group’s costumes. Basically, he stole the show.

 

 

Advertisements