This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/18/16

A new “smart mattress” tells you when your mattress is in use and for how long when you’re away, allowing you to catch potential cheaters. And/or Goldilockses.

A plane landing at Heathrow airport ran into a small commercial drone. And another drone caught aerial footage of the whole thing!!!

A plane landing at Heathrow airport ran into a small commercial drone. Cue some government drones droning on and on about the legal issues of flying drones.

Two women are suing Victoria’s Secret for racial profiling after being asked to leave a store last June. They don’t let anyone in who isn’t PINK.

Two women are suing Victoria’s Secret for racial profiling after being asked to leave a store last June. They claim they were perfect Angels the whole time.

Hillary Clinton went on the NYC hip-hop morning radio show The Breakfast Club and talked about carrying hot sauce in her bag. If that’s true, it’s definitely mild hot sauce.

Southwest Airlines defended an employee’s behavior after she kicked a Muslim woman off a flight: “In her defense, she’s *very* racist.”

The co-founders of Ben & Jerry’s were arrested as part of the Democratic Awakening protests at the U.S. Capitol over the weekend. Their publicist told them to stop getting chocolate-peanut-butter swirled up in this stuff.

Donald Trump accidentally referred to the 9/11 attacks as 7/11. And vice versa–he made the error at the same time he was drinking what he referred to as a “9/11 slurpee.”

Donald Trump accidentally referred to the 9/11 attacks as 7/11. In his defense, on both that day and in the store, you’d find lots of things burned beyond recognition.

A federal appeals court ruled that public schools must allow transgender students to use bathrooms of their choice. And that everyone has to pee standing up.

A federal appeals court ruled that public schools must allow transgender students to use bathrooms of their choice. But they still have to raise their hand and get a hall pass to go.

Utah’s governor signed a resolution that declared pornography a public health crisis. If that sounds absurd then I guess you’ve never been to Utah. Everything is covered in a thin layer of jizz.

Utah’s governor signed a resolution that declared pornography a public health crisis. Wow, what kinda super hot porn does Utah have that you can get an STD just from watching it?

Ben & Jerry’s will celebrate 4/20 with buy-one-get-one-free Brrr-itos. The way it works is that their employees will be so high, they won’t remember giving you a second one.

UFC fighter Conor McGregor says he’s retiring young. The lesson: You can work 50 years at a boring office job that feels like getting punched in the face, or 10 years at one where you actually do.

In his NY concession speech, Ted Cruz said “America has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the mat.” I’d rather vote for Trump: He’ll definitely fuck our country, but we can be pretty sure at least he wouldn’t do it in missionary.

The Yankees have the highest success rate in the MLB of challenging umpires’ calls. Oh, New Yorkers are stubborn and think they’re better than everyone? Wow, big news.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has vowed to drink Flint water for 30 days. Which means in 30 days, Michigan is going to need to call a special election.

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder has vowed to drink Flint water for 30 days. Bold move, declaring that you’ll be a better governor once your brain is destroyed by lead poisoning.

White women saw a slight decline in life expectancy for the first time since 2005. The darker side of “white girl wasted.”

Brazil’s first female president might be impeached for allegedly hiding budget deficits. Maybe she wasn’t “hiding” them; just stuffing them into her purse for later, like pastries at a craft services table.

Brazil’s first female president might be impeached for allegedly hiding budget deficits. Why just allegedly? Do they believe she couldn’t actually pull it off because she’s a WOMAN?

Canada has announced a plan to legalize recreational marijuana use in 2017. All those Bernie bros threatening to leave the country if there’s a Trump or Clinton presidency? This could be the thing that *actually* makes them follow through.

Canada has announced a plan to legalize recreational marijuana use in 2017. Ugh stop trying so hard Canada, you’re never gonna be cool.

ESPN fired Curt Schilling over posting an anti-transgender meme. You’d think he’d be more tolerant considering like half of sports is men and women who’ve chemically changed their hormones.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign says women will be on the list of VP options. But only because it’d be such a WACKY sitcom premise.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign chief says that women will be on their list of Vice President options. Whoa whoa whoa they better keep ’em on opposite sides of the White House then, or their periods’ll synch up.

Police discovered a drug tunnel running from Tijuana to San Diego, but only because it was this year’s set for MTV’s Spring Break.

A US Navy official says Russia’s submarine activities are at their highest since the cold war. Highest? Uhhh they’re doin’ submarinin’ wrong.

 

 

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