This Week’s Jokes: Week of 4/11/16

People are upset that Netflix is raising its monthly rates. OK, everybody needs to just chill.

A Washington Post analysis revealed that in the last 5 years, Donald Trump has contributed $0 to charity. Oh OK, so maybe he’s not as bad at managing money as we thought.

A Washington Post analysis revealed that in the last 5 years, Donald Trump has contributed $0 to charity. It’s the one aspect of his business he hasn’t lost money on.

The White House got a tech upgrade from the man who designed and maintained Facebook’s technology offices. But doesn’t Biden already have Razor scooters and a beer pong table set up in the West Wing?

Scientists at Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Laboratory figured out how to 3D print a robot with working hydraulics that can even walk away when printing is complete. Look for the upcoming movie adaptation of their story, “Bye Robot” starring Will Smith.

Two of Donald Trump’s kids, Eric and Ivanka, aren’t registered to vote in the New York primary next week. Wow, maybe the Trumps are closer to the average New Yorker than we thought.

The CDC has made a new plea to Congress for emergency federal funding in case the Zika virus hits the US. It’s like insurance–you hope you’ll never need it, but if you don’t have it, you could end up indirectly killing some babies.

The first uterus transplant in the U.S. failed because of a yeast infection. Brings whole new meaning to “a bun in the oven.”

House Speaker Paul Ryan said he doesn’t want to run for President. Then he gave a boyish wink, and went off whistling and soft-shoeing into his Congressional office that he also said he didn’t want.

House Speaker Paul Ryan said he doesn’t want to run for President. Remember when everyone made fun of his fitness glamour shots back in 2012? Maybe we shouldn’t have done that–now he’s the only GOP’s only hope. You know what, nah, it was worth it.

A new study by Health Economics shows that raising the minimum wage could improve mental health. Which means that if we increase the minimum wage in the US, for the first time, fast food workers could truly know the meaning of a Happy Meal.

Bono told a Senate subcommittee that he believes “comedy should be deployed” in the fight against ISIS, and suggests the Senate “send in Amy Schumer, Chris Rock, and Sacha Baron Cohen.” At very least, I’m sure that ISIS will appreciate that that’s a more diverse line-up than you see at most comedy club shows.

Bono told a Senate subcommittee that he believes “comedy should be deployed” in the fight against ISIS, and suggests the Senate “send in Amy Schumer, Chris Rock, and Sacha Baron Cohen.” You know what would really make them laugh? If we told them we let Bono advise us on foreign policy.

Thailand is punishing drunk drivers with community service in morgues. But it’s backfiring, because being around all those stiffs will make anyone need a stiff drink.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is renewing his call for Congress to allow states to drug test food stamp recipients, despite research that shows SNAP applicants test positive at a lower rate than the drug use of the general population. So unless SNAP starts offering a lot of poppy seed bagels, most of those tests are going to come back clean.

In a new video posted by Carly for America, Carly Fiorina’s super PAC, her voiceover states that a feminist “is a woman who lives the life she chooses.” Carly Fiorina chose a life as a Presidential candidate and she’s definitely not living that life anymore, but that’s not the reason I know she’s not a feminist.

In a new video posted by Carly for America, Carly Fiorina’s super PAC, her voiceover states that a feminist “is a woman who lives the life she chooses.” It’s weird that Carly Fiorina refers to the GOP as a “she.”

In a new video posted by Carly for America, Carly Fiorina’s super PAC, her voiceover states that a feminist “is a woman who lives the life she chooses.” Some people think she’s gunning to be Ted Cruz’s theoretical running mate, but I think she’s gunning to be part of Taylor Swift’s #squad.

Florida Governor Rick Scott’s PAC made an ad attacking the woman who yelled at him in a Starbucks. Honestly, he should just be happy that someone in a Starbucks got his name right.

Donald Trump says that no woman he’s ever dated has had an abortion. Just because you wouldn’t pay for it doesn’t mean they didn’t find a way, Donald.

A Trump rally forced a Long Island rape crisis center to shut down for the day. To paraphrase former Missouri Representative Todd Akin’s infamous 2012 comments on “legitimate rape”: “If it’s really rape, [a Trump rally] has ways to shut that whole thing down.”

Donald Trump told Anderson Cooper he has assistants send out most of his tweets, saying that when he’s in the office, “I just shout it out to one of the young ladies who are tremendous…I’ll just shout it out, and they’ll do it.” The tweets are dictated, but not read. And never fully thought out.

Bipartisan Senate leaders reached an agreement Wednesday on a long-stalled energy modernization bill that had included money to address the drinking water crisis in Flint, Michigan, but no longer does. Well yeah, you don’t just throw money at a problem; you throw it into Congressional salaries.

The New York State Senate unanimously passed a bill exempting feminine hygiene products from sales tax. It took so long because most legislators assume women don’t buy feminine hygiene products, they get them by discreetly asking other women.

The New York State Senate unanimously passed a bill exempting feminine hygiene products from sales tax. The only downside: tampons are going to be a lot harder to remove with no strings attached.

A top Pentagon official told reporters “right now it sucks to be ISIS.” Honestly, it probably also sucks right now to be a Pentagon official who used “sucks” in an official statement.

During a 27,000-person Bernie Sanders rally in Manhattan on Wednesday evening, health care activist Dr. Paul Song referred to certain members of Congress as “corporate Democratic whores.” To be fair, freelance Democratic whoring is a tough gig.

President Obama is the only person getting an advance screener of the upcoming season of Game of Thrones. I can’t wait for when he calls a special State of the Union on Sunday afternoon just to deliver spoilers.

President Obama is the only person getting an advance screener of the upcoming season of Game of Thrones. He’s been walking around the White House all day doing an impersonation of that “HBO: First Look” voiceover.

The Obama administration hosted its sixth annual White House Science Fair on Tuesday. Obviously this created a political stir, because more than half of Congress doesn’t believe in science.

Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker was booed off stage Wednesday night at an event for the LGBT community when he wouldn’t say whether he’d definitely sign a bill that would protect transgender rights. Not that he ultimately shouldn’t, but it’s a little hypocritical that they can’t respect his period of uncertainty and questioning around this issue.

Donald Trump’s campaign is beginning to do more Washington outreach this week. They just found out that that’s the town where the PRESIDENT gets to live!

Over a series of three CNN town halls the leading Republican presidential candidates shared stories of their parenting experience, with their kids onstage. It was mostly pretty cute, except for when Ted Cruz kept referring to his two daughters as his “spawn.”

When asked in the latest Democratic debate why he hasn’t released his tax returns yet, Bernie Sander said it’s because his wife Jane does their taxes, and “We’ve been a little bit busy lately.” Awwwww yeah–“busy.” Feel that Bern, Jane Sanders!

When asked in the latest Democratic debate why he hasn’t released his tax returns yet, Bernie Sander said it’s because his wife Jane does their taxes, and “We’ve been a little bit busy lately.” Waiting until the last minute to do his taxes, and then having someone else do them for him–he truly is a candidate of the people.

In the latest Democratic debate, Bernie Sanders used Canada as an example of a country with a successful universal healthcare system, saying, “It’s not some kind of communist authoritarian country. They’re doing OK.” Introducing Bernie Sanders’ new campaign slogan: “Sanders 2016: Make America OK for Once”

In the latest Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton accused Bernie Sanders of making campaign promises he can’t keep. I mean, I trust her judgment on spotting potential broken promises–look at what happened to her marriage vows.

The US is dropping “cyber bombs” to disrupt ISIS’ digital communications. Whatever happened to good, ol’ fashioned, face-to-face bombing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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