New research from the University of Cambridge suggests that your music tastes are reflective of your personality. Uhhh yeah of course, I’ve known Red Hot Chili Peppers fans are garbage people since I was 14.

A Wells Fargo skyscraper in North Carolina lit up the sky with the colors of the trans flag. The display sends a powerful message, namely: “Wells Fargo: We’ll take your money no matter who you are.”

Employees at the factory where Kylie Jenner’s lip kits are made are complaining that the makeup particles are making them sick. There’s a lot about the Kardashians/Jenners that makes me sick, too.

Apple’s Siri now understands questions about sexual assault. Except for “WHY?”. But no one really understands that one.

Women in Indiana are protesting a restrictive new abortion law by trolling the governor with information about their periods. Mwahahaha, how the crimson tide has changed.

Chipotle is testing a new cocktail menu. Exciting that you’ll now be able to get shit-faced at the same time you’re shitting your pants from eating their food.

Chipotle is testing a new cocktail menu. Salt on the rims of margarita glasses is extra.

Smithers finally came out of the closet on The Simpsons. It’s about time we had some three-dimensional two-dimensional gay characters.

Pot activists staged a “smoke-in” in front of the White House. They’re demanding the U.S. puff, puff, pass legislation to decriminalize the drug.

The Backstreet Boys are doing a residency in Las Vegas. Their show is called “Backstreet’s Back, Um, Alright?”

A woman spent a weekend trapped in the restroom of a local library. Every time she yelled for help, she got shhh’d.

Apparently France’s unemployment benefits are so good, people are getting fired on purpose. They call that a “French Goodbye.”

The Keystone Pipeline shut down over an oil leak. Motherfracker…

A former Uber driver is launching a women-only ride-share service. The working name is: Fallopian tUber.

Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are engaged. If you don’t get what a HUGE deal this is then congratulations, you’re a much better person than me.

The LAPD is investigating Charlie Sheen for allegedly threatening to have his ex murdered for $20,000. Wow, what a low point for Charlie Sheen’s career. He can only afford to pay $20K for murder?

A 55-year-old grandmother gave birth to triplets. Well…at least when they grow up, maybe they’ll be eligible for a group discount on their therapy.

Diabetes cases have quadrupled since 1980. Our country’s literally on a sugar high.

ISIS is cutting salaries because it’s running out of money. Their business is booming, but business isn’t booming.

Iceland’s prime minister resigned after the Panama Papers exposed his offshore financial dealings. Wait, isn’t everything in Iceland offshore?