This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/21/16

Pope Francis is now on Instagram. It’s the second hashtagging of Christ.

Pope Francis is now on Instagram, making him the only person to use it who’s actually #blessed.

Pope Francis is now on Instagram. And he’s also redefined the Holy Trinity as “Father, Son, and the Holy Selfie.”

Over the weekend, America watched a bald eagle give birth to two eaglets via livestream. This new life is brought to you by the ultimate doula: Democracy.

A lawsuit against Starbucks claims the chain has consistently underfilled lattes to save money. And the person who figured this out and is bothering to bring it to court undoubtedly has a lot of underfilled time on their hands.

A lawsuit against Starbucks claims the chain has consistently underfilled lattes to save money. But Starbucks has the perfect defense–we’ve all seen what they do with the names they write on the cups; clearly Starbucks employees are just bad at their jobs.

The CEO of Indian Wells said female tennis players should get “on their knees and thank God” for the men who “carry the sport.” Well…it could’ve been worse–he could’ve said they “get on their knees and ‘thank’ 😉 ” the men.

Apple made its new iPhones smaller again. Apparently people were complaining that their tiny miracle computer could only kind of fit in their pockets.

The FBI postponed its hearing against Apple, saying it’s working with an “outside party” to unlock the iPhone instead. Uh oh, looks like the FBI finally learned about 15-year-old computer nerds amped up on Mountain Dew.

New research suggests that the positive effects of moderate drinking may not be as ironclad as once thought. Good, that means I can go back to heavy drinking.

New research suggests that the positive effects of moderate drinking may not be as ironclad as once thought. Turns out the researchers were moderately drunk when they said that.

Starbucks plans to donate millions of meals to food banks nationwide. In other news, Cake Pops are apparently now considered a “meal.”

There’s a new chocolate-hazelnut spread with cannabis extract called Chrontella. You eat Nutella on toast; you eat Chrontella to get toasted.

 

 

 

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