This Week’s Jokes: Week of 3/7/16

Bidding for the chair J.K. Rowling sat in while writing the first two Harry Potter books opened at $45,000. It has a butt imprint in the shape of a lightning bolt.

Bidding for the chair J.K. Rowling sat in while writing the first two Harry Potter books opened at $45,000. The bid was made anonymously, or in other words, by Someone Who Must Not Be Named.

During the latest Democratic debate, Bernie Sanders defended himself against critics who say he’s shied away from his Jewish heritage by saying he’s “very proud of” being Jewish. He just doesn’t wear it on his sleeve, because historically, that doesn’t go well.

The man who invented email died this week. May he rest in inbox zero.

The man who invented email died this week. He left all of his money to you, and you just have to give your bank account number to this Nigerian prince to get it.

Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced he’s not running for President after all, because he “could not win.” It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game, but honestly I don’t know that he’d be too good at that either.

Perdue is recalling chicken nuggets that might have pieces of plastic in them. What’s the big deal? Just say the Happy Meal is the prize.

Kraft revealed that it rolled out a new, less artificial mac and cheese recipe a few months ago without telling customers. It turns out no one can tell the difference between fake cheese and fake fake cheese.

Kraft revealed that it rolled out a new, less artificial mac and cheese recipe a few months ago without telling customers. Wow, so surprising no one noticed, because if anyone has discerning tastebuds it’s people who eat boxed mac and cheese.

New York City will allow transgender people to use bathrooms that are consistent with their gender identities. “Thanks, but…it’s still a New York City bathroom. We’ll pass,” said a spokesperson for the transgender community.

New York City will allow transgender people to use bathrooms that are consistent with their gender identities. If you think that’s disgusting, you’re either a bigot, or you’re only focusing on the “New York City bathroom” part of that news story.

Nestle recalled millions of Stouffer’s lasagnas, Lean Cuisines, and DiGiorno pizzas because “They may contain small pieces of glass.” It’s not delivery–it’s Di-murder!

Nestle recalled millions of Stouffer’s lasagnas, Lean Cuisines, and DiGiorno pizzas because “They may contain small pieces of glass.” They should’ve just remarketed the lasagna and pizzas as “sharp cheddar” versions.

Whole Foods stores in Northern California will begin selling misshapen fruits and vegetables. Produce will now be labeled “organic,” “non-organic,” and “free spirited.”

 

 

 

 

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