This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/22/16

A Chinese airline accidentally booked some customers in an S&M-themed hotel. Somewhere along the way “bonding trip” got misinterpreted.

A Chinese airline accidentally booked some customers in an S&M-themed hotel. The customers realized the mistake when all the Chinese finger traps were dick-sized.

Jeb Bush dropped out of the Presidential race. The American people will accept an inept Bush, but we can’t tolerate a boring one.

Jeb Bush dropped out of the Presidential race.  Even without ever actually becoming President, his Presidential career is still more successful than his brother’s.

A new study says drinking coffee may help reduce the liver damage caused by alcohol. And if I’m remembering the movie Independence Day correctly, it can also sober you up enough to fight aliens in your military jet.

A new study says drinking coffee may help reduce the liver damage caused by alcohol. In effect, this doubles the value of AA meetings.

Samsung’s latest phones can be submerged in up to five feet of water for half an hour. Samsung: For when you’re ready to admit you’re an irresponsible idiot.

Samsung’s latest phones can be submerged in up to five feet of water for half an hour. But don’t try it, because that’s against the Geneva Conventions.

Steven Avery’s new lawyer plans to prove really killed Teresa Halbach. She’s saying it’s obvious, but I think that can only hurt his case because who wants to binge-watch a show with an obvious ending?

Justin Trudeau will be the first Canadian Prime Minister to march in the Toronto Pride Parade. Because he’s the first Prime Minister Canada has ever been proud of.

The HPV vaccine has cut infection rates by two-thirds in teen girls. That seems effective, but then again the cootie shot has a 100% success rate.

Facebook launched its new reaction buttons. Ironically, the reactions to the reaction buttons couldn’t be fully captured by any of the reaction buttons.

Facebook launched its new reaction buttons. There was a lot of uproar, but everyone posting about it could’ve saved themselves a lot of time by just posting I FEAR CHANGE and calling it a day.

Facebook launched its new reaction buttons. Thoughts and prayers for everyone on the phone with their parents right now, trying to explain them.

A tweet from Bernie Sanders’ campaign described a bunch of nouns as “adjectives.” Haha, that’s almost as embarrassing as describing a bunch of his platforms as “achievable.”

The CDC is investigating whether 14 people in the US got the Zika virus from sex. Wait, I thought you got that from a toilet seat.

Donald Trump won the Nevada caucus, and also the bets that he would win placed at the Trump Hotel Las Vegas.

The UN lost half of a food delivery that was supposed to go to war-torn Syria. I totally understand how this could happen because my apartment buzzer doesn’t work so sometimes the Seamless delivery guy has to call first.

Jeb Bush pulled out of the Presidential race 1 week after buying a gun. Maybe somebody should check on him? Oh, wait, checks on gun buyers violates the 2nd Amendment, never mind.

Jeb Bush pulled out of the Presidential race 1 week after buying a gun. Guns don’t kill people, failed Presidential campaigns kill people.

An internet rumor that Hitler had a micropenis is going viral. So I guess the Holocaust is really the German auto industry’s fault–if Hitler could’ve bought a sports car, it never would have happened.

An internet rumor that Hitler had a micropenis is going viral. Ohhhh, so that’s why he hated Jews so much, because of that stereotype that we all have such BIG DICKS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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