This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/15/16

There’s a new emoji set themed around North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. It’s just a bunch of bomb emojis, but with inactive fuses.

A homeless woman halted a robbery at a cosmetics store. The store was in London, but they thanked her by addressing her situation like Americans: with a free makeover!!!

Kanye West says he’s $53 million in debt. But at least he still has a wife whose ass you could bounce a quarter off of. And that is how I suggest we help Kanye get out of debt.

If Kanye is that much in debt why doesn’t he just release a sex tape with Ray J?

Ashley Graham is the first plus-sized model on the cover of Sports Illustrated.  JUST the front cover, assholes.

Ashley Graham is the first plus-sized model on the cover of Sports Illustrated, but only because they finally figured out that the bigger the model is, the less the straight-sized swimsuit covers.

Trader Joe’s plans to sell only cage-free eggs by 2025. So…by the time you get through the line at Trader Joe’s.

A new analysis shows that women have lower average credit scores than men. 77% of a man’s score, actually.

A new analysis shows that women have lower average credit scores than men. But I thought women be shoppin’?

During a Twitter rant, Kanye West asked Mark Zuckerberg for money.  Fortunately and unfortunately, Kanye’s tweets are linked to his Facebook account.

During a Twitter rant, Kanye West asked Mark Zuckerberg for money. “We’ll give you money Kanye!” said the CEO of Twitter. “Do you actually make any money?” said Kanye. “…no.” said Twitter.

Adele’s mic cut out during the Grammys, so hereafter “Hello” will be retitled, “Hello…hello?”

Kendrick Lamar’s Grammy performance was a powerful statement about black rights. It was inspired by the Black Lives Matter movement, but also probably by the fact that the last time he performed at the Grammys they made him share a stage with Imagine Dragons, the whitest band ever.

A Tennessee sheriff suggested that a drive-by shooting near his home was inspired by Beyonce’s “Formation.” The police have done more to popularize shooting than Beyonce ever could.

Vanessa Hudgens could face jail time or a fine for defacing a natural formation within the Coconino National Forest in Sedona, AZ. Hahahah just kidding, she’s a celebrity, there won’t be jail time.

Vanessa Hudgens could face jail time or a fine for defacing a natural formation within the Coconino National Forest in Sedona, AZ. Between this and Beyonce’s new single, it’s been a huge couple of weeks for the word “formation.”

Paul McCartney was turned away from Tyga’s Grammys after-party. But it wasn’t Tyga’s decision; Kyle Yoko’d the whole thing.

Paul McCartney was turned away from Tyga’s Grammys after-party. Uh, yeah, Tyga doesn’t hang out with anyone older than him.

Apple wrote an open letter to their customers explaining why they won’t comply with the FBI’s request that they create an update to its operating system that could unlock any iPhone. Millions of users started reading it, but then scrolled to the end and just clicked “OK.”

The Wall Street Journal put out an article on how companies are hiring outside firms to figure out which employees are pregnant. Well, it beats peeing on a stick I guess.

The Wall Street Journal put out an article on how companies are hiring outside firms to figure out which employees are pregnant. It came with a pamphlet for employees titled, “What to Suspect When You’re Expecting.”

 

 

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