This Week’s Jokes: Week of 2/1/16

Gwyneth Paltrow says that she and her ex Chris Martin are more like brother and sister now, in the first known case of retroactive incest.

Gwyneth Paltrow says that she and her ex Chris Martin are more like brother and sister now. Because it wasn’t already super weird that they were ever together.

Gwyneth Paltrow says that she and her ex Chris Martin are more like brother and sister now. I’m sure putting it in those terms makes it much easier for their kids to understand what’s going on with mommy and daddy.

The Golden State Warriors were banned from eating PB&Js on their private plane. Ostensibly because their trainers said they have too much sugar, but I like to think it’s actually because Riley Curry ate them all while whip and nae-naeing.

Ben Carson went home to Florida following the Iowa caucuses (instead of flying directly to New Hampshire and South Carolina) because his campaign said he needed to “get a fresh set of clothes.” I’m guessing he had an accident and now his pants are as full of shit as his politics.

Chipotle’s E. coli outbreak appears to be over. And to their credit, at least they never charged extra for the E. coli.

A former Donald Trump campaign staffer filed a lawsuit claiming that she faced discrimination. So does Donald Trump, every time he looks in a mirror.

Lady Gaga will pay tribute to David Bowie at the upcoming Grammy Awards. And David Bowie fans will pay tribute to David Bowie by not watching that bullshit.

The CDC wants sexually active women to stop drinking unless they’re taking birth control. I hope they start putting those big graphics of X-ed out pregnant women that they use for Accutane on bottles of Bud Light.

The CDC wants sexually active women to stop drinking unless they’re taking birth control. The recommendation comes partially in response to increasing rates of fetal alcohol syndrome, but mostly in response to increasing rates of finance bros.

Donald Trump was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize by an anonymous U.S. politician. Could it have been…Donald Trump?

Donald Trump was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize by an anonymous U.S. politician. Ironically, this is the kind of shit that starts wars.

An Emerson student is facing disciplinary action for renting out his dorm room on Airbnb. Come on, that is far from the most illegal thing that’s ever happened in a dorm room.

Beyonce will make a special appearance during Coldplay’s Superbowl halftime show performance. Because otherwise, why would anyone watch it?

Kevin Smith’s daughter was almost kidnapped by two men posing as Uber drivers. That’s horrific, but also, if you added “stoner” in that description somewhere it’d sound like the plot of a Kevin Smith movie.

 

 

 

 

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