This Week’s Jokes: Week of 1/26/16

The FDA announced recalls for cough syrup found to contain morphine. C’mon, like anyone takes cough syrup for reasons other than getting fucked up, anyway.

The World Economic Forum predicts that by the year 2050, the Earth’s oceans will contain more plastics than fish. Watch out for the hit kids’ movie, Finding Nemo in All This Garbage Water.

The World Economic Forum predicts that by the year 2050, the Earth’s oceans will contain more plastics than fish. Oh no, some poor plastic might get caught in a six-pack ring of fish!

Mariah Carey is engaged to Australian billionaire James Packer. If you thought she could never do better than Nick Cannon, you’re now wrong on more than one level.

J.K. Rowling called out a Donald Trump aide on Twitter for comments about “pure breed” candidates. Forget Nazis and white supremacists–Donald Trump is like a fictional character in a children’s book!!!

Chelsea Handler named Justin Bieber her worst celebrity interview.  And everyone named Chelsea Handler their worst celebrity.

Apple wants the government to stop asking them to unlock iPhones. If the government can’t remember its passcode, it should write it down.

Apple wants the government to stop asking them to unlock iPhones. And also to stop sending them Words with Friends requests.

Apple wants the government to stop asking them to unlock iPhones. The government should just buy new ones like everybody else has to.

Rapper B.o.B. thinks the earth is flat. Can’t he just fix that with auto tune?

Ben and Jerry’s has created a Bernie Sanders ice cream. What’s it taste like? Well, they made sure it isn’t nuts.

Ben and Jerry’s has created a Bernie Sanders ice cream. Like any pint of Ben and Jerry’s, it’s healthier for you to share Bernie with someone than keep him to yourself.

Donald Trump refused to participate in Fox News’ GOP debate because Megyn Kelly would be there, and he “doesn’t like her.” With that kind of display of immaturity, you have to wonder: Maybe it’s because he like-likes her?

Mattel has released curvy and petite versions of Barbie. But they still cater to the male gaze–Ken just wanted a Barbie with an ass and a Barbie that wouldn’t be taller than him in heels.

Mattel has released curvy and petite versions of Barbie. Now even Barbies can be scarred for life by comparing themselves to Barbies!

Kanye West had a meltdown on Twitter. In other words, it was a Wednesday.

Kanye West had a meltdown on Twitter. Imma let you finish, but you only have 140 characters.

A 17-year-old Danish teenager could face a fine for using pepper spray to fight off an alleged attacker. Because in Denmark, apparently pepper spray is more illegal than attempted rape.

Leonardo DiCaprio went to the Vatican. The Revenant gave him the answer to “Does a bear shit in the woods”, but he still needed to confirm that the Pope is Catholic.

The U.K. will take in unaccompanied refugee children who are already living in Europe. And then it won’t let them have any more gruel.

 

 

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