This Week’s Jokes: Week of 1/11/16

The Playboy mansion is on the market for $200 million, but Hugh Hefner will continue to live there after the sale. Long after, if you factor in the stains on the walls.

The First Lady’s guest box at the State of the Union will leave an empty chair to honor victims of gun violence. This is the only time you can feel OK about not getting a seat because you were bumped for some nobody.

A princess is on trial in Spain for her alleged role in a massive corruption and embezzlement scheme. And any time the country tries to take her to court, everyone gets confused and she just winds up on her throne.

The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force published new recommendations for when and how often women should be screened for breast cancer. But I don’t know if I can take the recommendations seriously, because they’re not written in pink.

A new interview reveals that an internal algorithm at Tinder secretly rates your desirability. And by “internal algorithm” they mean a bunch of bros sitting around laughing at your dumb face.

A Muslim woman was removed from a Donald Trump rally after a silent protest. Not because she’s Muslim, though–Donald Trump just hates silence.

During the State of the Union, President Obama announced that Joe Biden is in charge of a new national initiative to cure cancer. The first step in the Biden program will be to remove all of the dartboards and people saying “Relax, it’s not like we’re curing cancer here” from the VP offices.

During the State of the Union, President Obama announced that Joe Biden is in charge of a new national initiative to cure cancer. “It’s not rocket science” said Obama. “We have someone else in charge of that.”

Kanye West says he’s going to lower prices for his next Yeezy clothing collection. Yeahhhh, that’s not the reason people aren’t wearing it.

A dairy farm in Virginia is seeking volunteers to cuddle its baby goats. Milk is a gateway drug to bestiality.

A dairy farm in Virginia is seeking volunteers to cuddle its baby goats, which sounds much better than the farm’s original ad, “A dairy farm in Virginia is seeking randos to cuddle some kids.”

The half-brother of Making a Murderer convict Brendan Dassey released a rap song called “They didn’t do it.” The song is the most questionable use of recording equipment in that entire case.

A group of Waffle House employees were fired for washing their hair in the kitchen. I wish they could have stayed on long enough so we could see what a waffle iron can do as a crimper.

The band Smash Mouth covered a David Bowie song, which is even more disturbing than the news of David Bowie’s death.

Researchers are testing the effectiveness of pills containing fecal matter in fighting obesity. Or trying to–it’s hard when all the subjects start yelling at you, “take that thing that came out of my ass and shove it up your ass!”

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was arrested in Key West after a bar fight. It’s not his fault; he’s been conditioned to believe that it’s a GOOD thing when a room full of people start screaming.

Former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was arrested in Key West after a bar fight. “Where’d you learn to fight like that, Mr. Carter?” “On the Backstreets.”

A Spanish politician was criticized for breast-feeding her son in Parliament.  Not for the breastfeeding itself, but more the LITERAL example of sucking on the government teat.

 

 

 

Advertisements