This Week’s Jokes: Week of 1/4/16

GOP candidate Carly Fiorina rooted against Stanford, her alma mater, in their game against Iowa a month before the Iowa caucuses.  Some are calling bullshit, but I don’t think it’s that unusual in context: She roots against women all the time.

President Obama will hold a televised town hall meeting on gun violence. It’ll be on TV because showing it in movie theaters would be too dangerous.

Pitch Perfect stars Anna Camp and Skylar Astin are engaged. The first thing on their wedding registry? Cups.

Donald Trump isn’t bothered that a terrorist group used his anti-Muslim rhetoric in a recruitment video, saying “I have to say what I have to say.” I never would have thought that a presidential candidate would make such a compelling case against free speech.

A petition asking President Obama to free the subject of Netflix’s Making a Murderer reached over 100,000 signatures. The White House plans to respond over a 10-part binge-watchable series.

A petition asking President Obama to free the subject of Netflix’s Making a Murderer reached over 100,000 signatures. The White House is asking that if people Netflix, they also fuckin’ chill.

George R.R. Martin announced that the sixth book in the Game of Thrones series won’t be ready before the television show’s season 6 premiere. I guess art doesn’t imitate life after all.

George R.R. Martin announced that the sixth book in the Game of Thrones series won’t be ready before the television show’s season 6 premiere. Martin told fans he’s not going to just make something up, even though isn’t that the whole point of writing fiction?

The job description for one of the contestants on this season of The Bachelor was listed as “chicken enthusiast.” I feel like that’s some double entendre I’m not getting.

Four new elements have been added to the periodic table, and I already can’t remember the abbreviations for any of those, either.

The St. Louis Rams, San Diego Chargers, and Oakland Raiders have all submitted applications to the NFL to move to Los Angeles. Based on my own experience with moving, I’d say if they’d submitted together they’d probably have a better chance of getting the place.

North Korea claims to have successfully tested a hydrogen bomb. The US is investigating the issue and taking it very seriously, with President Obama reportedly tweeting “Pics or it didn’t happen” at Kim Jong-un.

After several months of E. coli outbreaks,  Chipotle is facing a federal criminal investigation. But the REAL crime is that they charge extra for that guac, amiright?!?!! Ugh.

At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, Intel released an X-ray helmet. Oh man, those nerds are always doin’ crazy stuff to try to get to see what’s under a girl’s bra.

The FDA has banned three chemicals found in food packaging, including the pizza box. It’s going to be a lot harder for the delivery guy to get you your order on time when he has to carry it in his bare hands.

The FDA has banned three chemicals found in food packaging, including the pizza box. You can sign my petition in response to the ban, titled “Stop the War on Pizza.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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