This Week’s Jokes: Week of 12/28/15

One of Kentucky’s largest malls was shut down due to a huge fight involving around 2,000 teenagers. It’s amazing what young people can accomplish when they work together.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens became the fastest movie in history to reach $1 billion in sales. It’s a milestone, but shouldn’t we be worried that audiences weren’t on the Light Side?

Stephen Colbert said he thinks Donald Trump is just like his old Colbert Report character. In other words, more popular than Jon Stewart, depending on who you ask.

Stephen Colbert said he thinks Donald Trump is just like his old Colbert Report character.  Read closely for the humblebrag: Colbert is such a good actor, he literally brought a character to life.

Lego enthusiast and Star Wars fan Marshal Banana built a 3-foot, 22-pound Mellennium Falcon out of 7,500 Lego pieces in just one year. See, everyone’s into Star Wars now, so you have to raise your level of nerdom if you want to stand out.

Lego enthusiast and Star Wars fan Marshal Banana built a 3-foot, 22-pound Mellennium Falcon out of 7,500 Lego pieces. Since completing the project, he’s sat in a corner staring at it and chanting, “This shit is Banana’s. B-A-N-A-N-A-apostrophe-S.”

Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher donated $1 million to Syrian refugees.  But like all of Baron Cohen’s bits, it’s just to see how people will react.

Peyton Manning is denying an Al-Jazeera report that he took HGH. “It’s ridiculous to assert that I’d be taking anything to enhance my growth,” said Manning. “I mean, look at my hairline.”

Kesha’s new band is called yeast infection, which is weird because my new yeast infection is called Kesha.

Ethan Couch, the teenager who used “affluenza” as a defense against fatal drunk driving charges, was found attempting to flee to Mexico for unknown reasons. My guess is that when you have affluenza, you just go on spring break whenever you want.

Honest Tea is removing a Donald Trump quote from its bottle caps. But “You’re fired” wasn’t really a great message to find when uncapping a bottle of tea, anyway.

Honest Tea is removing a Donald Trump quote from its bottle caps. I learned that from a Snapple Fact.

Actor Frankie Muniz is auctioning his The Fast and The Furious Jetta signed by Paul Walker. Let’s see how many other things that were popular in the early 2000s that we can fit in that sentence!

People on the internet can’t agree on how a dog should wear human pants. I don’t really care, as long as he knows who wears them in this family.

People on the internet can’t agree on how a dog should wear human pants. But we can all agree that he’d put them on one leg at a time, just like everybody else.

Someone calculated the total cost of saving Matt Damon in all of his films. Wow they must be some kinda Good Will Hunting or somethin’.

Someone calculated the total cost of saving Matt Damon in all of his films. A better use of time might have been to calculate the cost of saving him from some of his films, like We Bought a Zoo.

Russian officials were gifted with a book of Putin quotes this holiday season. The only surprising thing about this is that the Russian government published it instead of Urban Outfitters.

Russian officials were gifted with a book of Putin quotes this holiday season. My favorite Putin quote is “Don’t make this a meme.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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