This Week’s Jokes: Week of 12/14/15

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” is no longer the number one most-played holiday song in retail. But now that it’s been brought up, it will be the number one most-played song in my head all fucking day.

Taylor Swift is releasing her 1989 World Tour Live documentary on December 20. It’s a special Christmas for her fans, but an even better gift for her bank account.

Taylor Swift is releasing her 1989 World Tour Live documentary on Apple Music. Already? Taylor Swift seems like the kind of person who would actually watch the entire video from her own wedding.

Bill Cosby countersued seven of his accusers for defamation. This case doesn’t have a jello shot in hell.

Kim Kardashian revealed that she’s eating her placenta after giving birth to her son Saint West. Weird, I thought Kardashians only ate souls.

Barbara Walters told Bradley Cooper she finds him “very screwable.” Oh, so that explains where she got that soft lighting–porn.

GOP candidate John Kasich said during Tuesday night’s Republican debate that he wants to know why global leaders were talking about climate change in Paris when they should have been figuring out how to take down ISIS. I think that’s him admitting that he doesn’t know how to take down ISIS, and also doesn’t understand climate change.

GOP candidate John Kasich said during Tuesday night’s Republican debate that he wants to know why global leaders were talking about climate change in Paris when they should have been figuring out how to take down ISIS. He also wants to know if there’s really a difference between apples and oranges.

Carly Fiorina said she’s been called “every B-word in the book.” Sounds like a pretty good book.

Carly Fiorina said she’s been called “every B-word in the book.” Except for any actually related to books. [[I’m saying she’s dumb.  Whatever, you get it.]]

At the start of the GOP debate, Ben Carson asked for a moment of silence for the victims of the San Bernardino attack. If only silence were the only thing he had to say about gun control.

Jeb Bush told Donald Trump he can’t “insult his way” into the White House. Because you have to inherit it.

Chris Christie called President Obama a “feckless weakling” for his strategy against ISIS. Chris Christie: living up to his high school yearbook superlative, “Bully Most Likely to Have a Big Vocabulary.”

Netflix is working on socks that will detect when you’re falling asleep and automatically pause your show. Just for Netflix–not Netflix and chill. Please don’t keep your socks on when you Netflix and chill.

Ben Carson told the Wall Street Journal “it’s very likely I would be a one-term president.” That’s the most optimistic pessimism I’ve ever heard.

Pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli, who hiked the price of a life-saving HIV drug, was arrested on fraud charges. The only thing surprising about the arrest is that it wasn’t for something else.

Pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli, who hiked the price of a life-saving HIV drug, was arrested on fraud charges. He reminds me of someone I used to be friends with. The joke here is my inability to choose good friends.

Advertisements