This Week’s Jokes: Week of 12/7/15

When asked what he looks for in a woman, Ryan Gosling said “that she’s Eva Mendes.” Hey girl. You’re not Eva Mendes.

Obama delivered a rare speech from the Oval Office to talk to the nation about terrorism. Just like in the movies about terrorism!

Jimmy Carter announced that his most recent bran scan shows no signs of cancer. So if you hear he still has it, that’s just a tumor rumor.

The president of Columbia announced that a Spanish ship that sank in the Caribbean more than 300 years has been found, and contains up to $17 billion worth of treasure. Now there’s a dispute over the treasure between Columbia, and American company, and Jerry Bruckheimer.

An Oakland startup is developing a marijuana breathalyzer test.  Or maybe just a new vape pipe. They’ll figure it out when they’re not so high.

Donald Trump called for a complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. The TSA tried to do that years ago, but at least they were more subtle about it.

Donald Trump called for a complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States, and critics are drawing comparisons to Hitler.  Which seems a little unfair to Hitler, to be honest.

The smog in Beijing was so bad this week that the city shut down schools and limited car traffic. Kids around the city shouted “Yay, Smog D–achcoughhukcough!”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn son “Saint West.” In an EXCLUSIVE interview, an insider revealed the meaning behind the name: “It’s because they’re assholes.”

A shipment of groceries made its way to the International Space Station for the first time in 6 months. NASA: Guaranteed delivery in 6 months, or it’s FREE[ly floating in space]!

People are upset that Chloe Grace Moretz won’t be dying her hair red to play Princess Ariel  in the live-action TV version of The Little Mermaid. What’s more, she’s also not going to have her legs surgically replaced with a fish tail.

A French scientist believes he’s found another woman underneath the Mona Lisa. A portrait of another woman, or is this some metaphorical How Stella Got Her Groove Back shit?

A French scientist believes he’s found another woman underneath the Mona Lisa. “Which explains why she’s got that sly smile, amiright??” said the scientist, reaching for a high-five.

Although a South African appeals court overturned his earlier manslaughter conviction and found him guilty in the murder of Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius was granted bail of just $688 so he could spend the holidays at home. A woman’s life: just as valuable as a mildly egregious traffic violation.

Although a South African appeals court overturned his earlier manslaughter conviction and found him guilty in the murder of Reeva Steenkamp, Oscar Pistorius was granted bail of just $688 so he could spend the holidays at home. Advice to Christmas carollers: Stay away from his door.

Footage from a 2014 Time photo shoot with Donald Trump shows the now-presidential candidate being attacked by a bald eagle. That’s called symbolism, kids!

Footage from a 2014 Time photo shoot with Donald Trump shows the now-presidential candidate being attacked by a bald eagle. Now we know why he’s running–to take revenge on America.

 

 

 

 

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