This Week’s Topical Jokes: Week of 11/30/15

Reese Witherspoon is making a movie about Barbie. If it’s anything like the real-life adventures of Barbie, it’ll just be 2-and-a-half hours of her smashing her face against an equally attractive man.

IKEA is working with the UN to provide 10,000 temporary homes for Syrian refugees.But like all IKEA furniture, they’ll think it’s temporary, but then 8 years will go by and they still won’t have replaced it.

IKEA is working with the UN to provide 10,000 temporary homes for Syrian refugees. The UN’s role will be figuring out how to put the damn things together.

Kobe Bryant wrote a poem entitled “Dear Basketball,” detailing why he’s ready to leave the sport behind. Basketball was like “Dear Kobe: Ew, yeah, same.”

Kobe Bryant wrote a poem entitled “Dear Basketball,” detailing why he’s ready to leave the sport behind. Because you know you’re definitely over something when you sit around writing love poems addressed to it.

The NSA ended its phone surveillance program over the weekend. NSA agents spent most of Saturday night texting, “new number, who dis?”

The NSA ended its phone surveillance program over the weekend, with government agencies now required to obtain targeted warrants for phone records. In other words, if some NSA dudes wanted your phone number this weekend, they had to beg for it.

Mary-Kate Olsen reportedly married French banker Olivier Sarkozy and passed out “bowls of cigarettes” to the guests at their wedding. Is that really a thing, or just a Full House idea of a French party?

Mary-Kate Olsen reportedly married French banker Olivier Sarkozy.  And reportedly, so did her sister Ashley, because the Olsen twins still live their lives under child actor rules.

Mark Zuckerberg had a baby girl. Or did those Winklevoss twins have it first?

Mark Zuckerberg plans to give away 99% of his Facebook shares to charity over his lifetime. But he’s keeping all his own likes.

MTV has a new name for the post-millennial generation. It’s “people who don’t know what MTV is an acronym for.”

The state of Illinois has been suing former prisoners for the cost of their time in jail. You know what they say: Don’t do the crime if you can’t pay for the time.

The state of Illinois has been suing former prisoners for the cost of their time in jail, which honestly might be a greater deterrent to crime than the jail time itself.

Donald Trump says he won’t participate in CNN’s Republican debate unless the network pays him $5 million, which he would give to veterans. Oh OK, so he DOES have a plan for the military!

New statistics from BabyCenter.com show that many Instagram filter names have increased in popularity for baby names. And if you don’t use their namesake filter on their baby photos, you’ll give your kid an identity crisis.

A UK hair salon is going viral for introducing a “quiet chair” where you don’t have to talk to your stylist. I mean, you never HAVE to talk to anyone, which is a philosophy that has obviously won me many many friends.

Kylie Jenner’s sold out Lip Kit is going for $10,000 on eBay. Come on people, get your priorities straight so that I have a better chance of being able to get one!

Kylie Jenner’s sold out Lip Kit is going for $10,000 on eBay. Wow, that’s probably more expensive than Kylie Jenner’s actual lips were.

Taylor Swift took her 125 crew members on an island vacation to thank them for their work on the 1989 tour. Can’t wait for the reggae remix of “Bad Blood.”

A Congressional report on the Secret Service reveals the many security breaches of the agency, including a time last year when someone posed as a Congressman at an awards dinner and ended up having a conversation with President Obama. But let’s be real, most Congressmen are posing as a proper Congressman.

U.S. Defense Secretary Ash Carter ordered the military to open all combat roles to women. They’ll also be shutting down the He-Man Woman-Haters Club military base.

There’s now a dating site for Disney fans. Well, Disney fans and pedophiles.

While most retail sales fell on Black Friday, gun sales hit an all-time high. So while no one was trampled to death this year, there’s still a pretty good chance that someone will die violently because of Black Friday.

 

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