This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/16/15

A new company called The Breakup Shop will break up with someone for you via text message. If this existed 15 years ago, it would’ve taken up an entire season of Sex and the City.

The Supreme Court announced that it will hear a case about abortion dealing with a Texas law that requires abortion clinics to have hospital-like standards. I don’t know why an abortion clinic should have to have shitty jello.

Marco Rubio compared Hillary Clinton’s aversion to the term “radical Islam” to denial of the Nazis’ involvement in WWII. And the rest of the world compared Marco Rubio’s involvement in a Presidential campaign to just “denial.”

Two zebras escaped from a circus in Philadelphia over the weekend. They ran all around the city, amassing a crowd as they sprinted up the art museum steps and went on to fight Apollo Creed.

Charlie Sheen revealed that he is HIV positive. This is the least unhealthy thing about Charlie Sheen.

Japanese Prime Minster Shinzo Abe is trying to turn the Japanese economy around with a massive stimulus program called “Abenomics.” It’s also the title of a new hit sitcom on ABC.

Japanese Prime Minster Shinzo Abe is trying to turn the Japanese economy around with a massive stimulus program called “Abenomics.” Because all the most successful economic plans are named after the people who tanked the economy in the first place.

The Japanese economy has entered a recession for the fourth time in five years. Well, obviously after the first time, now it’s just trying to do the honorable thing and kill itself.

The “Face with Tears of Joy” emoji is the Oxford English Dictionary’s Word of the Year. That emoji is also appropriate to express that I am “dying laughing” that the OED is regressing into emojis.

The “Face with Tears of Joy” emoji is the Oxford English Dictionary’s Word of the Year. The phrase “It’s just modern hieroglyphics” will be on the lips of every douchebag trying to sound smart at a party this season.

Ben Carson’s advisers are reportedly complaining that he won’t sit down to be briefed on the Middle East. Well, if he’s ignoring it, at least we don’t have to worry about him trying to start another war there.

A new study suggests that drinking coffee five times a day will help you live longer. Is it because it gets all your poop out? Is the poop what’s killing us? I think it’s because it gets all your poop out.

Adele announced she won’t be making her new album available for streaming. Fans are so upset about having to buy Adele’s new album, that they’re going to have to buy Adele’s new album.

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