This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/9/15

Hillary Clinton came out in support of medical marijuana just days after Bernie Sanders did. Comforting to know that our presidential candidates have the same policy on drugs as 14-year-old boys: “Doing it because everybody else is.”

Google Maps has introduced a new update that will allow users to check businesses’ holiday hours. Even Google is decorating for Christmas way too early.

Sea World says it’s ending killer whale shows in San Diego and putting the animals in a more “natural” setting. Back in the ocean? No? Look, “almost” only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, Sea World.

Sea World says it’s ending killer whale shows in San Diego and putting the animals in a more “natural” setting. Meaning they’re going to buy a saltshaker and throw it into the freshwater tank.

An international anti-doping commission reported that there’s a “deeply rooted culture of cheating” in Russian sports. “It’s not our fault,” said Russian athletes. “In Russia, sport cheats you!

The US Senate is giving itself 21 weeks of paid leave this year. “If anyone wants to accuse us of not doing our jobs,” said a spokesman, “They’re absolutely right.”

The US Senate is giving itself 21 weeks of paid leave this year. “We’re tired of just looking like we get nothing done,” said Senators.

After noticing a decline in sales, Whole Foods announced plans to cut prices. They’ll be introducing more sales, promotions, and half-foods.

After noticing a decline in sales, Whole Foods announced plans to cut prices. So now there will be new price checks on special promotions, instead of the usual Whole Foods price check, “Are you fucking kidding me? Is this really how much this costs?”

Shia LaBeouf’s latest “performance” is to watch people watch him watch every Shia LaBeouf movie in reverse chronological order. Then he’ll watch you watch his first TV show, to make it Even Stephens.

Jeb Bush says tax reform is #1 on his presidential priorities list. Geez, even his best qualities are super boring.

President Obama is reportedly planning to ask the Supreme Court to review his immigration plan after two federal courts said it was unconstitutional. That’s like asking dad after mom’s said no and then dad says no so you go to your grandparents.

Fast food workers held strikes in 270 cities, demanding a $15 minimum wage. And also an extra toy with their happy meal.

Starbucks branches in Seattle joined a new initiative to create safe spaces for LGBTQ victims of harassment and hate crimes. They’ve also opened a VA hospital for wounded soldiers in the war on Christmas.

The man who used to voice Charlie Brown just plead guilty to making several death threats. But he’s an adult now, so they were less threatening and more like WOM WOM WOMP WOM WOM WOM WOMP.

An investigative report found that over 10% of top New York City restaurants on Seamless and GrubHub are fake. Just like the plans you tell people you have when you’re really at home ordering from Seamless or GrubHub.

An investigative report found that over 10% of top New York City restaurants on Seamless and GrubHub are fake. This city is full of ghosts; some of them just happen to be sketchy Thai places.

The FDA is recommending a new limit for our daily intake of sugar. They’re also now saying that a spoonful of sugar will in fact not help the medicine go down.

French officials canceled a lunch with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani because it needed to be wine-free.  Sounds like France should join another two-letter organization besides the EU.

A new Microsoft tool can guess your emotion in a photo. What emotion is “duckface”?

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