This Week’s Jokes: Week of 11/2/15

Chipotle closed 43 restaurants in Seattle and Portland due to a suspected E. coli outbreak. That’s what happens when you put a raw bird on it.

The RNC pulled out of a partnership with NBC for a February debate, saying the moderators of last week’s debate on sister channel CNBC were “petty and mean-spirited in tone.” And that’s the candidates’ jobs!

R&B artist Jesse Graham is suing Taylor Swift for $42 million over “Shake It Off,” claiming he invented the phrase “haters gonna hate.” Swift’s lawyers have advised her to follow the directions in the song.

One of the featured floats in a Mississippi Halloween parade was reprimanded for tossing penis-shaped gummy candies into the crowd. Well, there’s probably not going to be any Mississippi gay pride parades anytime soon, so when else would they suggest they do it?

One of the featured floats in a Mississippi Halloween parade was reprimanded for tossing penis-shaped gummy candies into the crowd. Wow, that really takes some gummy balls.

TransCanada, the company behind the Keystone XL Pipeline, asked the US government to stop reviewing the project, but the fed ignored the request, just like we do for everything about Canada.

A local ballot measure in San Francisco seeks to impose a stricter limit on the number of nights landlords can rent their homes and apartments through Airbnb and other similar services. Apparently they’re getting carried away with the Full House  revival over there.

CBS is bringing back Star Trek, which is perfect because viewers who “live long and prosper” is CBS’ only demographic.

A report by the Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction revealed that a now-disbanded military task force spent close to $43 million on a natural gas filing station, which should’ve cost “no more than $500,000 to construct.” This is literally the high cost of war.

A report by the Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction revealed that a now-disbanded military task force spent close to $43 million on a natural gas filing station, which should’ve cost “no more than $500,000 to construct.” Wow, gas prices are really getting bad.

Amazon set up its first brick-and-mortar store in Seattle. That’s also where the company is headquartered, so it’s a prime location.

Google unveiled a new artificial intelligence tool that scans emails and comes up with suggested replies. Here’s my suggested reply to that announcement: “No.”

Ireland will decriminalize heroin, cocaine, and weed for personal use. And there will be green versions of each for St. Patrick’s Day.

Ireland will decriminalize heroin, cocaine, and weed for personal use.  And overdoses will now be known as an “Irish Goodbye.”

In a new authorized biography, George HW Bush calls Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld “iron ass” and “arrogant.” Those two are like the Tin Man and Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz–one needs a heart, the other needs a brain.

In a new authorized biography, George HW Bush calls Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld “iron ass” and “arrogant.” So just imagine what he must say in the unauthorized version.

In a new authorized biography, George HW Bush calls Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld “iron ass” and “arrogant.” And he calls his son George W Bush “uuugghhh.”

To make a point about the economy, a GOP Presidential candidate asked a woman at a rally if she’d ever been on a diet. Then to make a point about foreign policy, he asked her if she was pregnant, and in laying out his environmental plan, he asked her why she wasn’t smiling.

Ben Carson’s campaign released a rap song about his candidacy. It’s called “99 Problems But Being Qualified to Be President Ain’t One.”

Ben Carson’s campaign released a rap song about his candidacy. They also released his new economic policy, “Fuck Bitches Get Money.”

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