This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/26/15

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was kicked out of an Amtrak quiet car for talking too loudly on his phone. He then moved to the cafe car but was kicked out as he soon entered, because according to Amtrak, “Yeah, right. We know how this ends.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was kicked out of an Amtrak quiet car for talking too loudly on his phone.  That is *not* appropriate behavior for a future President. Vice President, though, sure.

Jem and the Holograms had one of the worst opening weekends ever, probably because they got too experimental with adding new characters, such as the Tupac, Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston holograms.

Google’s new Frightgeist map reveals the most popular Halloween costumes in your area. This Halloween, I’m going to go as the scariest thing of all: Google’s personal data collection and analysis capabilities.

The World Health Organization says that processed meat like hotdogs are as likely to cause cancer as cigarettes. And they make you look just as friggin’ cool.

The World Health Organization says that processed meat like hotdogs are as likely to cause cancer as cigarettes. How else are hotdogs like cigarettes? Well, for starters, we all know that classic  Motley Crue song “Eatin’ Hotdogs in the Boys Room.”

The World Health Organization says that processed meat like hotdogs and bacon are as likely to cause cancer as cigarettes. Uhhh, just eat the hotdogs a little slower so they don’t get in your lungs.

The NYPD union is boycotting Quentin Tarantino’s films after he took part in a Black Lives Matter protest. That’s a shame, because Tarantino films are the best movies for the thing the NYPD loves the most: gratuitous violence.

Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh said that he tells his kids to change Halloween costumes to maximize their candy potential. If they get caught, there should be a penalty for sugar rushing the candy passer.

Walgreens bought Rite Aid this week. For the merger to be approved, they’ll need a referral from a doctor and it probably won’t be covered by insurance.

The owners of Hobby Lobby are under federal investigation for possibly smuggling Biblical artifacts from the Middle East. And covering them in glitter and scrapbooking foam accessories.

A Chinese economist suggested wife sharing as a solution to China’s gender imbalance problem.  That’s crazy. Next he’ll be wanting us all to share fortune cookies, too.

An Australian academic believes the country’s forefathers unknowingly added an alcoholic slur to the national speech pattern. All this time they thought maybe a dingo added an alcoholic slur to their national speech pattern.

An Australian academic believes the country’s forefathers unknowingly added an alcoholic slur to the national speech pattern. Fosters: It’s Australian for beer–just like every other Australian word.

Rick Santorum says that part of Donald Trump’s platform was stolen from his book, Blue Collar Conservative. Oh, so Donald Trump’s not full of shit, he’s full of something even worse: santorum.

A Salem witch took the “world’s best-known warlock” to court over harassment, proving that being Wiccan may be a phase weirdos go through in high school, but high school is a phase Wiccans go through the rest of their lives.

Paul Ryan became the youngest Speaker of the House in 150 years, because the Founding Fathers would have wanted a House Speaker who knows how to Snapchat.

Lindsay Lohan wore a fake engagement ring just to see how people would react. Probably about as expected: “Who the fuck would want to marry Lindsay Lohan?”

Lindsay Lohan wore a fake engagement ring just to see how people would react. A real Lindsay Lohan proposal would go viral, if only because of all the infectious diseases she’s surely carrying.

Lyft is offering free zombie deliveries in New York City and San Francisco this Halloween Eve, played by UCB improvisers. They’re not actually dead, but their careers are.

Lyft is offering free zombie deliveries in New York City and San Francisco this Halloween Eve, played by UCB improvisers. To order a zombie, check “Yes, and” on the request form.

Porn star Jenna Jameson is filming a reality show about converting to Judaism, which is exactly what it sounds like: A euphemism for “fucking a guy who’s circumcised.”

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