This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/19/15

Republican Paul Ryan said he’d run for House Speaker if the GOP met some of his demands, such as wanting to be able to spend time with his family instead of fundraising. Uh, that sounds a lot like planned parenthood to me–not gonna fly with Republicans.

Oprah announced that she’s bought a major stake in Weight Watchers, causing the company’s stock to nearly double. It grew almost two times its size? Wow, Oprah’s already terrible at Weight Watchers.

Starting in the next few months, recreational drone users will have to register with the US government. Recreational gun users can still do whatever they want.

Starting in the next few months, recreational drone users will have to register with the US government. The waiting period for buying a drone should be “until you’ve gotten the urge to be some asshole with a drone out of your system.”

A Gilmore Girls reunion might be coming to Netflix. Or at least, I think that’s what they said. They were talking so fast it was hard to tell.

A Gilmore Girls reunion might be coming to Netflix. Or as critics of the show are calling it, “Netflix and shrill.”

A 4-year-old girl obsessed with CVS had a birthday party themed around the pharmacy. Parents, it’s never too early to talk to your kids about drugstores.

The trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens debuted in the middle of Monday Night Football. This is the most exploitative move for the NFL since they started doing Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

The trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens debuted in the middle of Monday Night Football. Fitting, since “the dark side” is also what football players call concussions.

Opening night tickets for the new Star Wars film are going for hundreds of dollars on eBay. You might have to sell some of your Star Wars action figures to be able to afford it.

Opening night tickets for the new Star Wars film are going for hundreds of dollars on eBay. But the thing is, the people who buy those tickets will probably never even take them out of the package.

Opening night tickets for the new Star Wars film are going for hundreds of dollars on eBay. May the force of capitalist opportunism be with you.

For her 35th birthday, Kim Kardashian used her app to tell fans 35 life lessons she’s learned. Lesson one: Never reveal your real age. Kim Kardashian is actually a 12,000-year-old troll creature.

Joe Biden announced that he won’t be running for President at a press conference attended by President Obama. Imagine going up in front of a group of people and telling your boss you’d never, ever want to be him.

A group of teenagers hacked the AOL email account of CIA Director John Brennan. “Experts” are looking into it, but compared to John Brennan, an “expert” is just anyone with a Gmail account.

A group of teenagers hacked the AOL email account of CIA Director John Brennan. In his defense, it is the most patriotic email service.

A group of teenagers hacked the AOL email account of CIA Director John Brennan. The most impressive thing about that is that a group of teenagers know about AOL.

According to Yahoo! News, marijuana use in America has more than doubled in the last decade. Oh, OK, that explains why we have things like “Rainbow Doritos” now.

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