This Week’s Jokes: Week of 10/5/15

The internet is going wild with a picture of Jeb Bush in front of a weatherman’s green screen, Photoshopping him into hilarious locations. But the funniest place of all to see Jeb Bush, of course, would be the White House.

Republican Presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said her undergraduate degree in medieval history will be an asset in fighting ISIS. Because if there’s one thing that ISIS fears and respects, it’s a woman’s intellect.

Packages of Papillion Organic Roquefort cheese sold at Whole Foods are being recalled after being suspected of listeria contamination.That’s unfortunate, because recalled cheese is the only thing at Whole Foods that I can afford.

People magazine published an editor’s letter urging readers to contact their legislators about gun control. “We need you to vote,” said the editors. “On this issue, and also ‘WHO WORE IT BEST?’!”

In a recent Facebook post, Victoria’s Secret shared a photo of a model wearing their mesh-back cheeky panties, but her left butt cheek had been Photoshopped out. Proving that not even a Victoria’s Secret model can look like a Victoria’s Secret model.

Harvard’s national title-winning debate team was defeated by a group of New York prison inmates. Work hard and study, kids, and someday you too could wind up in a New York state correctional facility!

Harvard’s national title-winning debate team was defeated by a group of New York prison inmates. The movie version of the event will be titled Illegally Blonde.

The Supreme Court started its new term this week, and is expected to revisit issues like affirmative action, union dues and abortion. Every case will be opened with an air horn and Ruth Bader Ginsberg shouting “Rrrreeeemixxxxx!”

An 800-pound Rhode Island man says the hospital where he was staying to lose weight kicked him out after he ordered a pizza. The hospital said, “‘Kicked out’ is a little strong. We told him he had to leave in 30 minutes or less.”

The cost of a Netflix subscriptions is going up by $1. The company is branding the change, “Netflix and new bill?”

Peeple, the app which lets you rate human beings as if they were Yelp listings, is now hiring. Unfortunately, the only people who want to work at Peeple are the kind of people who get the lowest ratings on Peeple.

A protein drink/beer hybrid by Supplemental Brewing is raising funds on Kickstarter. It’s the perfect drink for the person who likes exercise, but without all the health.

Ben Carson said he wouldn’t have “let” the Oregon shooter kill him. Yeah? I would have.

Three scientists from China, Ireland and Japan were awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine. It sounds like the set-up for a joke, but that’s it.

Amber Rose held her SlutWalk over the weekend in Los Angeles. It inadvertently became a background casting session for HBO.

A man whose legal name is Santa Claus is pursuing a City Council seat in North Pole, Alaska. In addition to campaign donations, he’s also accepting contributions of cookies and milk.

A man whose legal name is Santa Claus is pursuing a City Council seat in North Pole, Alaska. Expect his energy policy to revolve chiefly around coal.

Scientists in China have created tiny designer pigs for $1,600 each. I can’t wait to eat the cutest little bacon.

American Apparel filed for bankruptcy. Financial bankruptcy. They went morally bankrupt years ago.

A Florida Senate hopeful admits he once sacrificed a goat and drank its blood while on a spiritual journey. Florida residents said, “Finally, a leader who will truly represent our people.”

A Florida Senate hopeful admits he once sacrificed a goat and drank its blood while on a spiritual journey. Oh, he’ll fit right in in the Senate.

A Florida Senate hopeful admits he once sacrificed a goat and drank its blood while on a spiritual journey. Well, at least he had a reason.

Fantasy football companies DraftKings and FanDuel have banned their employees from participating in other sites, after accusations of using insider info. Now the only fantasy sites they’re allowed on are online RPGs, like friggin’ nerds.

Fantasy football companies DraftKings and FanDuel have banned their employees from participating in other sites, after accusations of using insider info. And yet, this is all still more ethical than anything that happens at the NFL.

Fantasy football companies DraftKings and FanDuel have banned their employees from participating in other sites, after accusations of using insider info. One employee reportedly called himself “The Wolf of Waste of Time Street.”

U.S. officials have changed their story on the deadly airstrike that destroyed a Kunduz hospital, now calling it a “mistake.” No matter what happened, they probably should have been saying that from the beginning.

For the first time since the Census Bureau began collecting data on higher education attainment, women are more likely to have a bachelor’s degree than men. So it’s time we start calling it a bachelorette’s degree, right?

Ashley Benson has been forced to apologize for dressing up in a Cecil the Lion Halloween costume. Wow, her career’s about to be as dead as Cecil the Lion.

The police department of Greenfield, Massachusetts announced on Facebook that for the month of October, they’ll be using pink handcuffs and wearing pins that read “Arrest Breast Cancer.” Unfortunately, any arrests of breast cancer will be reversed when it’s released by President Obama as a non-violent offender.

Stephanie Meyer has released a gender-swapped version of Twilight to celebrate 10 years since the novel’s debut, writing in the forward that she hopes to prove to Twilight detractors that Bella was never a damsel in distress, but instead, a “human in distress.” And that Edward Cullen wasn’t really a pussy, he just has one.

Stephanie Meyer has released a gender-swapped version of Twilight to celebrate 10 years since the novel’s debut, writing in the forward that she hopes to prove to Twilight detractors that Bella was never a damsel in distress, but instead, a “human in distress.” Alternate take: She’s a fictional character.

Kickstarter is teaming up with the United Nations to help raise money to support Syrian refugees. Specifically, to support their bands’ first East Coast tour.

Cheerios had to recall 1.8 million boxes of gluten-free cereal because they accidentally contained gluten. There were holes in that story the whole time.

A new website called ShipFoliage.com will send you a bundle of leaves from New England. It’s the downFALL of society!!! lolololololol

A new website called ShipFoliage.com will send you a bundle of leaves from New England. Now you can feel WASPy anywhere!

Nude photos of Justin Bieber were leaked this week, in which it’s evident that the singer has a giant dick. To cover the story, blogs are just recycling old articles where the headline said “is.”

Justin Bieber’s dad had a creepy Twitter response to his son’s dick picks. So creepy, that fans are now suspecting he might actually be Justin’s uncle.

After viewing Ridley Scott’s The Martian, one GoFundMe user has created a fundraising page to rescue Matt Damon from Mars. Boy oh boy, Ben Affleck sure is stupid.

Advertisements